Is this abuse?

[Speranza]

(He found his brother hanged when he was (detail removed by moderator) following an argument and my husband still suffers today) … but this is how he is now:

I met my husband in (detail removed by moderator) and although things were hard to begin with, our relationship has been 60/40% good.

In the beginning he would accuse me of talking to men or anyone I was in contact with had alterior motives. I just took this as insecurity. Me being older by (detail removed by moderator) I also saw it as slight immaturity. I ploughed on and hoped that we could iron these problems out. There was a time also when he would go through my phone and check what was on it and I had genuinely done nothing to provoke this!

We worked through this but I also stopped associating with people outside of our relationship for fear of his accusations and an ensuing row.

I began focusing on building a better relationship with my parents and so did he – especially during our wedding period, etc. His family are non commital and his mother neglected my husband growing up. He has had a very bad upbringing and this also included a death in the family, for which my husband feels responsibility. I am sure this is his main cause for his behaviour and I have given him extra leeway because of his upbringing.

He also has had issues with his children. Many a time I have negotiated for/with his children on his behalf. For example, he had issues with the children saying they didn’t like him and his ex wife would say nasty things about their dad. I felt that at times I had to put them right. In (detail removed by moderator) my husband spent many stays in hospital with an undiagnosed condition, for which, after several episodes of sepsis, he finally got a diagnosis and is reliant on taking medication in order to keep him well. During this time, his ex wife told the children that he was out seeing women and drinking, hence why he didn’t see them for a while. But I had to rectify this by telling them of his illness(es). I even picked up his son, then aged (detail removed by moderator), and took him to the hospital to see his dad. I spent days, months, and years trying to negotiate for him and get the children to realise that their father loves them. However, the problem is that my husband undoes all of what I do. For example, one day his eldest decided to pick up the hoover and vacuum the living room, totally unrequested. I thanked him and encouraged him to continue. My husband proceeded to come down stairs and say “you missed a bit!” He wasn’t being humerous/funny at all; instead he was seemingly antagonizing the situation. He is very critical and very moody – the atmosphere is just awful at times.

With regard to his illnesses, which include: a congenital heart condition, type 2 diabetes and the condition for which he needs medication to keep him well and high cholesterol – my husband has very often not taken his meds and doesnt keep on track with them and it’s only when he starts going down hill that I monitor whether the meds have been taken during the week, then I have to say ‘why aren’t you taking your meds’ – of course, he argues the toss but eventually admits not taking them.

Late last year, the children have since moved away and he has nothing to do with them now. So this Christmas has been particularly difficult for him. He does have a younger child whom visits on alternate weekends, and she is from a subsequent relationship prior to ours. We didn’t see her for some time as her mum and my husband had a fall out. In the last month or so my husband has started moaning about his daughter, who is (detail removed by moderator). He wanted her to do a Christingle decoration at Christmas, however, she doesn’t show much interest in things, just loves a giggle and dancing. My husband seemed so upset and rejected by her as she showed little interest. He has started saying nasty things like ‘what a waste of time’ and ‘I don’t know why I bother’. We went out food shopping between Christmas and New Year and he held her hand all the way around the shop and whenever he caught her laughing at anything, he would tell her off. (Not badly). My adult children were there too and we were all just having a bit of fun.

Also when my adult children are around, he makes the atmosphere worse still. When my girls lived at home and they used the oven or anything, he would nit pick and moan about their washing up and what they were eating. Bearing in mind that his washing up is worse than ever! (he washes one side of the plate, so if they are stacked after eating, there is still food on the bottom!) All the time he was washing up I had regular upset stomachs and now that I have told him never to wash up again, I have been symptom free!

During our Christmas eve family dinner, which was really important to me, I took out the frozen dessert which needed defrosting, held it up high and stated it needed defrosting and left it on the side. We had our dinner which was lovely and then I went to get the pudding (which for my family is the most important) – my husband said ‘I put it in the freezer!’ So our dinner finished without pudding. He showed no real apology and continued swigging his beer.

I just dont know what to make of this. When we are on our own, he is quite controlling. Even when I go out with friends, when I come home he is often found on the sofa asleep, which can be as early as 8:30pm, and there is no asking how I am but just a cold shoulder.

What do you make of this?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum, you might get some of your post blanked out as quite a bit of it could id you if someone you know or he read it. It’s not a form of control in any way, just to protect you. If you’re on here, you know what he is dont you😔 he is abusing you, that one word conjures up such horrible images, yet to write what abuse is its, verbal, sexual(It’s not all about force and rape) financial, manipulative, emotional,psychological,physical.
Changing your perception of reality to something he sees it(gaslighting). The mask he wears falls every so often and you glimpse the monster inside, over time that changes and the monster inside is who we see more and more and the mask is put on to fool us(cycle of abuse), look up trauma bonding and FOG. The more you learn the stronger you’ll get, you’re on here, we are your secret weapon now, knowledge is power.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Speranza]

I’m still confused. (Btw he should be moving out (detail removed by moderator)). I was sent the book about living with a dominator from The Freedom Programme. I know my husband does very little of what is written. Only snippets are of him. For example, the demand for sex, used to be so bad – up to 4/5 times a day, but in the end only if I agreed. I am also in a “King of the Castle” environment where he is cold when my children are around and I get the cold shoulder when I go out, as though the only fun thing in his life is me.

Any way, I’m still being strong with the split. He has had since (detail removed by moderator) to look for somewhere as he said he wouldn’t keep our flat, and hes viewed not one apartment. He is sleeping on the sofa and now on the floor. (detail removed by moderator). If that were me I’d have been more proactive in looking and whilst waiting would blow up the airbed (detail removed by moderator) and use a hot water bottle.

Its sp hard. I feel bad.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome back. Aye he’s not being proactive one bit. He’s waiting on you changing your mind that’s all. Playing the martyr by sleeping on the floor unless he’s a very sore back and that’s why he’s doing so.i too have read that book, my oh is a mix of a few of the characters mentioned. We have to remember there’s no stereotypical abuser, but they do have similar traits. My oh is generally speaking really nice 2/3rds of the time, he’s kind, considerate particularly where my health issues are, he’ll do things manually around the house(That’s when he changes and speaks to me like dirt and threatens me, and things escalate, so I try to avoid doing home repairs with him altogether) he’ll go out of his way to help others, sometimes more than he does me😔
But that 1/3rd of the time he’s evil, I’m terrified of where his temper will go, he’s accusatory, he’s insecure, so much that I rarely visit my parents, who stay very local, I very very rarely see my children and grandson, because he creates such a stoorie when I do. I used to always give in and put off visiting them(they’re not allowed in HIS house)but im doing so a little more often now. When someone scares you, intimidates you, makes you so unhappy, they are genuine reasons to end a relationship, especially when you’ve asked them to stop doing stuff that causes this reaction in your. My oh had a terrible childhood too, hand me downs,bullying,m+d fighting, has lost a good few members of his family, doesn’t see his children(his choice)or grandchildren(their choice). I mistakenly didn’t show as much attention to my children as I felt guilty of doing that because he didn’t see his, seemingly that happens a lot. They are jealous of any relationship you have, think your having sex with any male friend you know or font fir they matter. They are so insecure you do anything to prove that you love and care fir them and ONLY them, so you eventually stop seeing friends and family. It’s taken me years to realise this, I’m trying to build up relationships, but he’s badmouthed them for so long, that I see him in them now too and starting back up relationships is scaring me. That’s how messed up they make us. It’s maybe time to get tough with him, but you’re the only one who can do it. I’m not in your relationship and you’re not in mine. Just know we’re always here to talk to, give advice and just listen to you.

IWMB 💕💕

[Speranza]

Still no sign of finding somewhere. I tell him he needs to leave today. He gets annoyed and tells me he wants nothing more to do with me and he will file for divorce and I cannot keep his name.

[Iwantmeback]

Have you contacted WA yet, they have their own solicitors who specialise in DA. They can also get an interim exclusion order which will get him put out of the house through a court order. They see it that so long as he works he can afford to rent someplace. Sorry I can’t be much support today, things have kinda blew up a bit here. Xx

[Speranza]

He’s gone. He went to his sister’s. I feel so sad I just want to cry. I feel so alone now but it had to be done. My mum hasn’t even called to ask how I am – just 2 texts in 3 weeks. I have a feeling I’m totally alone again. But it beats being had a go at all the time. Sorry, just got loads going on in my head and heart.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I’m newly free and struggling x

One day at a time 🙁

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Speranza, I’m sending you a big hug, because you need it. Yes you need him gone but you also need to not have him in your life. I vowed I’d NEVER tell anyone on here what they need, but you’re out.💞 just take your time getting your head around it, grieve when you want to, laugh uncontrollably if you feel like it. I’m really sorry your mum hasn’t been in touch more. I feel guilty not being there for my daughter more when she got her ex out of her life. Her and I are similar, in that we are strong, fiesty opinionated women, she’s been so much stronger getting him out of her life as she still loves him.😔 She’s still not admitting he’s as abusive as my husband, her stepfather, but they are so similar it’s scary. You’d have thought my oh was her ex’s father!!
Baby steps sweetheart, you can fly high now. 💪💜

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