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This topic contains 16 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #71304
     Choccomummagg 
    Participant

    I’ve been recently talking to someone and they have suggested I may be in a relationship that may not be 100% healthy.
    I can’t see it. I feel like everything that has happened to me has happened because I just attract this sort of thing. Everything to me feels normal I don’t know any different.
    My husband (who with my son are my absolute world) has been a bit off recently but this is a regular occurrence and that is my fault because I suffer with severe depression and other problems. I upset him a lot and he has in the past grabbed my neck and my arms but that was a while ago now. Whenever we are in bed and he wants sex or anything like that he will not stop or leave me alone until I do what he wants even if I’m bleeding. If I say to him I’m bleeding he asks to see so he checks my pads. Now he just shouts and swears. My body is covered in self harm scars and he now can’t bare to look at me at all. I have said to him about parting ways and he gets angry. The first thing he says is he’s not leaving this house. And then says that I would not be able to live without him and I would be a s**t mum without him.
    He monitors what i say to doctors and others and if I say something out of place or ‘wrong’ he will sulk and swear at me.
    I can’t survive without him I’m not made for this world. So right now my soul purpose is to protect my son and hide anything from him.
    Is this normal because in my mindset it’s all my fault. I mean how can I expect other people to treat me differently if I abuse myself?

  • #71306
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi your able to share your feeling so you’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that it is abuse. These men slowly erode our self confidence and even our own beliefs. They know exactly what theyre doing its called crazy making, it throws you off so that your left feeling powerless. The thing is none of this is coming from you. His sense of self is the problem, HE somehow feels inferior or powerless and is releasing his tension on you. So that makes him feel better.Your hoping everything will settle down and your blaming yourself. Your self worth gets stamped into the ground. I felt like that too still do to a degree. When you start reading up on this you realise whats going on you can address this. Womens aid can help. Have you read living with the dominator? Were all here to listen and we understand xx I hope your ok diy mum xx

  • #71325
     Choccomummagg 
    Participant

    I’m struggling real bad at the moment with it and my mental health is at its worst these past few months. I tried to end my life in (month removed by moderator) because of it.
    Today I opened up to a care worker of my about everything and he kept calling my husband a domestic abuser and that I was in a relationship experiencing domestic violence. This term scares me because am I or is it just me bing stupid again like my OH says.
    My care provider (after just one convo with him saying about the times OH has grabbed me) even suggested maybe getting in touch with women’s refuge and considering leaving.
    My parents (not best relationship dad used to belt me) always tell me I need to look after hubby more and poor hubby for everything he has to do he only has me to show for it. With parents like that and absolutely nobody else (4 contacts on phone parents, oh, doctor and mental health team) how can expect to get any support if I did leave.
    I was told to phone women’s aid based on not all the facts (I never even mentioned the sex situation which now Reading up on here I am concerned that this may be classed as rape) what would happen if I did phone them?
    I’ve been told but OH and parents I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own over many years. I just don’t know what options I have.
    Sorry for the long messages

  • #71327
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi there. Our abusers take over our lives. Their opinion superceeds all others in our mind. Can you ring the helpline number on here and talk to someone. Women’s aid can explain the dynamics of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. I was suicidal and had mental health problems which all began after I met my abuser. They destroy our mental health. Yes you can survive without him, you did fine before you met him. Keep speaking to other people and get advice. Abusers destroy our self esteem and make us more and more dependent on them. Google trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance. Cycle of abuse x

  • #71330
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Choccomummag

    Welcome to the forum, you have been really brave to come on here and share what you are going through. its good to open up to people so you are not dealing with this all by yourself, the care worker was right that your husband is an abuser in every way. I just wanted to reassure you that if you wanted to speak to the helpline they would only want to help to empower you by talking through the dynamics of your relationship to help you understand what is happening to you, and they can go through your options if you wanted that, the helpline is confidential and you do not have to give your name if you do not feel comfortable, they will not judge you or tell you what to do, they are there to support you. If you call and don’t get through straight away just leave a voicemail with a safe time for them to call you back when your husband will not be around, the number is 0808 2000 247. You can also get support from your local domestic support service which you can find here.

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

  • #71347
     Choccomummagg 
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies. It is comforting knowing that it can’t all be my fault because there are many other people going through similar. But at the same time looking on here and what my care worker has said has scared me even more because it’s opened my eyes whereas before everything was just normal now I can see it differently.
    Yesterday OH came home from work and all evening and night he was so nice. Not once did he shout or swear at us. Maybe my conversations with him about wanting things to get better have worked? Maybe he HAS changed. Yesterday was so nice to be back like teenagers again.
    I can’t phone the helpline my husband checks the phone records. Also due to severe mental health issues I don’t speak to anyone unless OH is with me because he helps me by telling me what to say even with my parents.
    I can’t leave him I wouldn’t cope without him, parents would disown me for failing and I have no friends (used to be close to two but OH argued with them and haven’t spoken to them in many years now) or anyone else to talk to other than care provider.

  • #71348
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sounds like your care provider is your way to escape. Google the cycle of abuse.

  • #71353
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, keep building up that trust with your care provider as KIP suggests. Sometimes help comes in the strangest ways💞 your OH and parents have brainwashed you into believing you can’t cope😪. You’ll get stronger, day by day. You can do this with baby steps, don’t be too hard on yourself either, those who were supposed to love you have done enough of that.
    💕💕

  • #71356
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi there, I just wanted to acknowledge how strong you are being by posting. That’s so impressive and amazing and you’ve taken a wonderful step. I was really sorry to read what you’re going through.

    Please do keep posting, we are all here to listen without judgement. x

  • #71357
     Choccomummagg 
    Participant

    Thanks everyone. Before yesterday I was sure it was all my fault because this is all I’ve known my whole life
    Oh gosh maybe I do need help.
    Shall I be 100% honest with my care provider? He knows of the swearing and shouting and the grabbing but not the sex situation that I now see may be sexual abuse.
    What do I say I’m so scared what if my care provider says he can’t help me or he says that we need to leave and I’m not ready.
    He hasn’t done anything too bad in months though will I just get turned away because he’s now being nice?

  • #71410
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi, I can’t imagine a shelter would turn you away because he’s having a ‘nice’ spell. Living with the constant worry that the nice can suddenly change is as bad as when the abuse happens.

    I’m sure your care provider will say you should leave again, they’ve already suggested it. Whether you share the sexual abuse with them or not is up to you of course. Sometimes it is helpful for us to say these things out loud to someone.

    It isn’t your fault, and I would bet on it that you are far stronger that they have made you believe.

  • #71459
     Pasturesnew 
    Participant

    Just wanted to add my support here. It’s NOT your fault, believe that. I lived with my abusive husband for almost half my life and over the years put up with all kinds of what I later came to realise was emotional and financial abuse; he never abused me physically. Ironically, he left me in the end for (yet) another woman, but I divorced him as I knew that the life I was living was no life and that I deserved much better. He made out to his friends that I was the one to blame, but I knew I didn’t deserve any of his betrayals or appalling behaviour. He’s the one that needs help. I’ve been divorced for a while now and have just bought my own home. I have work and lots of supportive friends and family. There’s no denying it’s hard to begin with but congratulate yourself at the end of each new day that you survive and it will get easier. I’m thankful for my new freedom and once I’ve moved and have settled, I plan to use my experiences to help women who live locally to me who may feel unable – or too afraid – to speak out. We have to end this abuse and we will do so. I wish you all the best.

  • #71549
     Anonymous

    I wanted to say hi and well done. Its scary when we finally allow ourselves to see the abuse. Please don’t think you can’t survive by yourself.

    It is up to you if and when you want to leave but if you do decide to go, the experience of letting go of the fear can be really liberating.

  • #71557
     maddog 
    Participant

    My parents were terrible as parents and my mental health has been pretty dire as a result. It’s so hard when we are little and our needs are so misunderstood. I ended up beleiving that I was worthless and unwantable and I headed down the path of self destruction as a young child. I liken it to witnessing a terrible accident and carrying the burden of responsibility.

    I thought it was my fault that I suffered clinical depression . My sense of being was warped beyond sense and I successfully disappeared myself.

    When the issue of domestic abuse raised its ugly head it was a big pill to swallow.

    You cannot change the past but with help and support in your current situation you can shift the future. There really is more to life than climbing out of rubble. I hope you reach a point when the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t that of the oncoming train. For me the only light was the oncoming train. With help from WA and other agencies, it is amazing to find daylight even surrounded by rubble.

    These days there is less of it and the possibility of rebuilding.

  • #71950
     supersonic 
    Participant

    Yes it is abuse and sexual abuse for sure.

  • #71953
     Emmit 
    Participant

    Hi, I’m really struggling at the moment. I have been out of work since (month removed by moderator) and awaiting to start new employment. Being at home feeling low and worthless is impacting more on my marriage. I was always in 2 minds on if it was abuse or not as my husband for one has old fashioned values plus traits of adhd and autism. His inability to show empathy towards anything makes me think he does not care plus he constantly gripes and moans at things I’ve not done around the house making me feel c**p. He rings throughout the day asking what I’ve managed to get done then asked why if I’ve not done something yet. He says he just asking and means nothing by it. He is totally unaware of when he says things and how they make me feel and I put this down to the adhd/autism traits in him but feel it shouldn’t be excused. I’m not allowed to be ill or even spend time talking with my family as he says I waste too much time doing nothing. I do see family and we have dinners together a lot but it’s on his terms, if he in mood or whatever it doesn’t happen. He has no filter, constant digs gripes and moans and it’s more often to do with me ‘Not’ doing something in the house. The kids know how he is and adjust when around him, he is short tempered and loud and can upset the kids in flash with unreasonable demands. He expects people to jump and do immediately and it seems there’s a rule for him and one for us. I don’t feel like a wife but a cook, cleaner, Nanny and one that’s being told how bad a job I do all the time. I can’t change my mind on tea once I’ve told him as to him he has gotten himself in the mood for that so if I change it he flips. He might say the bedding needs changing and then expect I’ll change it that day and if not will question me why. Been together (detail removed by moderator) years, kids are (ages removed by moderator) and it’s not half as bad as it used to be before he started taking medication for what would have been diagnosed years ago as adhd/autism. He compares everything he does to me, he goes to work so I should be working all day in the house. Thing is when I start full time soon, I’ll also still be doing everything at home and with the kids too. Just don’t know what to do because he does not see what he is doing or empathise with my feelings.

  • #71954
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi Emmit, please don’t confuse mental health issues with domestic abuse. If he’s holding down a job it sounds like he knows exactly to behave in the outside world. He knows if he spoke to his boss the way he speaks to you he would be out of a job. Abusers know exactly what they’re doing. They target us. They leave us confused by their behaviour. Regardless of his mental health issues it’s your life to be happy and live the way you wish x you don’t have to please him, to do his bidding. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

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