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Hi, I’m new to the forum and feeling pretty confused I have previously been in a abusive relationship that was direct mainly physical and verbal abuse and violent.
After leaving this relationship I started another relationship some time later with someone that I thought would be secure as he already had a child that he took care of provided for and didn’t drink or take drugs (unlike my ex) and seemed calm a d quiet.
Early on in the relationship comments were made about my posture that I should stand up straight, he didn’t like my choice of hair colour, asked if I should be eating a certain type of food (as I had previously dieted and lost weight.) Then on to my parenting that I ‘baby’ my young daughter she shouldn’t have a potty or a dummy she should sleep in her own room etc.
Years gone by the comments have got more frequent. He would constantly pressure me to have him move into my home (I never agreed or felt comfortable) He gradually moved more and more of his things in and kept insisting that if I loved him he should be living with me.
He would stay for days without asking and even bring his child to stay too saying that this should be what I want a family. (detail removed by moderator) His child was very disrespectful to myself my child and my home he never corrected her instead sided with her to the point where me and my child had to walk out of our home and leave them in it after being verbally abused and swore at by the child.
He even cut himself a key so he could come and go as he pleased. He would help himself to all my food and drink, never paid a penny used my gas water and electric had all his washing and cooking done by me, never offered to help financially I felt as I had no privacy or personal space. If I tried to express how I was feeling that I was uncomfortable or wanted to take things slow he would say I didn’t love him have child like tantrums slam doors etc.
He would constantly check up on my where I was who I was with and what I was doing, he would be offended and kick off if I did things with out him like spend time with my daughter, mom or female friends and constantly question why he wasnt invited or call me selish.
If I didn’t respond or answer my phone straight away he would be annoyed and angry with me then call more and more until i answered then intensely question why i didnt answer straight away what ever explanation i would give he would call me a liar and accuse me of cheating (i never cheated). He would video call Me to check where I was. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells even when he wasn’t with me.
He would be moody, miserable agitated or just ignore Me and make the atmosphere for me n the kids unbearable.
He pressured me to comply sexually with things I wasn’t comfortable with by constantly pestering Me calling me boring and continually pressuring me until id agree because I’d be so emotionally exhausted of saying no and explaining why I didn’t want to. (detail removed by moderator)
If I comforted my daughter he would appear jealous and shout that she always gets her own way. Would comment if my daughter spend time at her grandparents question why she wasn’t with me. Pressure me to get my daughter to spend time with him and his child when she didn’t want to and then say she was a problem because she chose not to spend time with them.
Made comments about my appearance, name call then if I said that It upset me call me too sensitive and say it was a joke or banter.
If I didn’t comply with what he wanted in any situation or say no he wouldn’t accept it and constantly go on pressuring me and questioning me until I’d become so exhausted that I would comply.
I have recently left this relationship. But would like feed back and advice whether this relationship was abusive, controlling or both? Was I abused?
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Hi Missy1234,
He put you through such a lot and what you’ve described above is domestic abuse. Controlling behaviour is a kind of abuse and, from what you’ve shared, he perpetrated coercive control, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be serious and damaging and it’s often really difficult to identify it’s happening when you’re in it.
Our relationship questionnaire has some simple questions you can go through and, when you click yes or no, you can read more information about abuse different kinds of abuse. You might find this information that talks about how to recognise unhealthy behaviour in a relationship helpful. There is also the Freedom Programme, which is an information programme run in local groups across the country or through an online version, to help women make sense of what they’ve experienced through abuse.
Hopefully some of the other women on the forum will be able to reply soon and offer support from their experiences.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
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