Is this abuse?? Or am I just crazy?!

[Lowkey]

Really don’t know how to start this off, never spoken about it before so I’m just going to say what my other half has said in conversation/ arguments and see what you think about it……nearly (detail removed by moderator)of being together, I have two children to two other men and a child to my partner, i was in long term relationships with my two other children’s fathers

I must send him photo shots of any messages sent to me or from me to my ex’s ( two children father)

I must never answer the door to the ex’s in my pjs, when they come to pick their son up early (detail removed by moderator) mornings

When we first met he was more than happy for me to open up about past relationships, now he throws it back in my face

He does not want me to work! Says I should stay at home to look after his child, I only (detail removed by moderator)hours a week, I enjoy working, I feel he’s taken away my independence and knows (detail removed by moderator) hours a week would never been enough for me to support myself and my children if I left him

We can get on well for a few weeks and I feel like my life is complete then the slightest thing can P**s him off and boom that’s it, I’m a s**g, I still love my ex’s, he’s love to punch my face in, my ex’s don’t pay enough child maintenance, the list goes on and on

I bought the house we live in before I met him, he’s constantly say oh yes forgot it’s your house….this comes out of no where in an argument

One of our dogs growls at him if he bend down close to her so I asked if he’s ever banded in to her, caught her and hurt her he kicked of about that, the other night he got up and hit her over the head with a (detail removed by moderator) as she was liking it, I kicked of, I called (detail removed by moderator) so I think he’s hit her before if she’s growling every time he goes near him.

If the two children, that arnt his argue as kids do and I tell one off for starting the argument he will stick up for the other making me feel bad, like I’ve done wrong.

I broke my (detail removed by moderator), my mum helped a lot, me and the kids would go there a lot so he could sleep through the day As he worked nights
One afternoon my parents were going (detail removed by moderator) so didn’t cook any, they would cook for me and him plus the kids, when he came to pick us up I asked him to stop and (detail removed by moderator), he went mad and said (detail removed by moderator).

In the house! He does nothing and when I say nothing I mean absolutely nothing, doesn’t wash a cup, nothing! It’s like he has the attitude it’s not my house why should I do anything, but when I say things need doing, decorating, garden etc he’s like yeh let’s do it, or let’s get someone in to sort it, it never happens

The list could go on and on, I just wanted you to get an idea
The only thing different to a lot of what I’ve read is that he’s not controlling with money, I sort out all the bills and a weekly budget and I don’t have to ask to spend anything, he knows I’m sensible, too sensible at times
I just feel like he gives so much with one hand that I don’t see him take with the other, (detail removed by moderator) down the line, I’m not the person I was, anxiety is crippling me, and I’m lost!

Thank you for taking the time to read my manic post, I just had to let it out, I’m sick of carrying it all

XxxxX

[Anonymous]

You know this is abuse, right? Horrific abuse actually. Sweetheart……..for one, thank you so much for having the courage to even write this out because you need validation and you’ve got here. Big time. This guy is a monster. You hit my dog and well………you don’t want to know what I’d do to him… Hit me or my child, same thing.

You have to get away from this maniac while you still can. I mean like ASAP. You see what you see, you know what you see soooo, get educated on your rights, start making a plan and don’t second guess yourself here because this will escalate and get oh so ugly.

It is your house, it is your life, it is your wellbeing. Your children’s wellbeing. You have rights and I’d kick that guy to the curb so fast it would make his head literally spin round like Linda Blair.

Time to get found, not lost. This is insanity and he will continue to cripple you, hobble you if you let him. Whatever you need here, we’re here but if you just want to know if what you see is abuse – Spot on! It is!

There is a thread here called Book List. Search for it. Tons of info on there. Good books, etc. He’s into crazymaking and you’re not, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, right? Hugs!! Good! We got you! Talk your head off, spit it out, more room out than in but you’re seeing very straight here, just you don’t need to take this. Make plans my sweet, get away from him!! It won’t get better. He will destroy you if you let him.

[Lowkey]

Thank you for your reply Braelynn, I just needed to hear from an outside person that it’s not in my head. I also just needed to let it out! I talk about it in my head constantly, it’s not good to carry that amount of worry around day in day out.

I know what my first step needs to be, and that’s get myself in a position where I can financially support myself! Once I’m at that point I know I can make the changes.

I always thought I was a strong person mentally, and how I’ve gone from that to this I don’t know! I think a massive factor is that I don’t want yet another failed relationship,another child not to have it’s father live with them, although my other two do see their dads, my it’s a failure thing I’m not sure.

I’m not sure of a lot of things and that’s how I know I’ve changed!
A few year ago no one would have been able to do this to me, and the fact I’m having to ask if it’s happening to me Actually tells me a lot
❤️
Thank you 😊

[Anonymous]

It’s sooo hard to really see when you’re in a hole, but you are seeing and you are coming to terms. I firmly believe when you seriously say – not doing this anymore and not waiting for forever to get out either – things start to rumble. Many times in my life whether regarding a job or my family or my partner, things have gotten unbearable and that switch goes On. Then things happen. But as long as I grin and bear it or cry and bear it – wouldn’t be able to see the rescue helicopter because I’d be too busy examining my navel.

We outgrow people. We grow/change. And if you don’t make mistakes you never learn anything. Ask any inventor. Your children have “you” so you have to be healthy, peaceful, powerful in order to give to them, guide them, support them. It’s not the big oak tree that survives the storm. It’s the willow because it’s flexible and bends. Whereas the oak may boast but down it comes.

You know you’re not crazy. You need to talk. It’s cleansing and actually puts your own good sense out there so You can hear it. We can be our own medicine woman. Just have to let her out. 🙂

[Camel]

Hi Lowkey

You’re still the same strong woman, you’ve just been forced to hide your true self.

Please don’t suffer any more abuse because of some kind of shame at relationship failure. When you’re ready, get away from this man. Then spend a good deal of time alone, just you and your kids. Truly, no relationship is better than a sh*t relationship, no argument.

[Lowkey]

Thank you for your reply camel!
We’re now on day (detail removed by moderator) of not talking after a disagreement!
I will be strong enough one day to say enough is enough

XxxxX

[Hazydayz]

Feeling for you, sending you support 💕

[Cuppatea]

You know you’re a ‘Lowkey’ strong woman 😉

If he ever comes up with the same old rubbish it’s your house isn’t it. Tell him to pack his bag and get out. And he shouldn’t stay there if it’s yours.

Or what id do is throw him out and throw his stuff out of the window. And let him catch it if he can.

Now that he’s hitting your Dog, last thing you want is him being physical towards your kids. And that’s a big NO.

I hope one day you can leave him and be truly happy as you and your kids deserve it.

It also seems like you feel this change within you and you’re no longer the same person. That’s exactly what he’s done. He is killing your spirit. And baby girl you need to raise again for yourself and your kids. And show your kids that no one should suffer like this in a relationship.

[Wants To Help]

@lowkey, if it’s the financial worry that is stopping you from kicking him out, do some research in to what benefits you may be able to get. If he’s working, contacting the Child Maintenance Service and get them to do an assessment of what he needs to pay towards supporting his child.

Contact the Council Tax Office and get a 25% reduction in Council Tax for being the only adult in the house.

Contact Universal Credit and see what help you can get being a single parent with three children. Some benefits entitle the children to free school meals. If your kids get free school meals then they are entitled to free school trips.

Some of the monthly bills will reduce if he’s not there as he won’t be using his share of the water (if on a meter), the shower (if it’s electric), the grocery bill will be reduced as he won’t be eating etc.

You may have to tighten the financial belt a bit, but as you have said, you are good with money.

Consider food banks. I used food banks on a weekly basis for a very long time, it was humbling, but necessary. I wanted out of my abuse so much in order to protect my son that I took whatever help that was available. Pride does not come before survival.

[Anonymous]

This is a good read. Was looking up how brainwashing in cults is very similar to what happens in DV. The same tactics used. One that’s not talked about much is below:

EMPATHY EXPLOITED

In short, your strength of empathy gives the abuser opportunity to wiggle into your mind. In any case, the abusive person uses your nature against you. Have you ever thought something like the following statements? I’ll bet you have.

“If I can make him understand me, we will get along better,” or

“Perhaps something terrible happened to him that makes him lash out like that,” or

“He’s so vulnerable at times that I cannot believe he really means those nasty things he says to me.”

Empathetic people naturally believes the abuser doesn’t want to hurt them. It’s a natural mistake of assumption: the empathetic person uses empathy to soothe others, not hurt them, and therefore assumes their partner behaves the same. Your empathy gives an abusive person enough wiggle room to lead you down the dark path of brainwashing–whether the abuser knows what he or she is doing or not doesn’t really matter. The outcome is the same: you get hurt.

[Anonymous]

Going to post this a few places because it was a lightbulb moment for me… Sometimes finding the words for things, how you can you say blah, blah….

Something just hit me here, was watching a movie about a manipulative, very charming guy in this woman’s life, who turned out to be a total snake….but, people who aren’t empathy based, who have none, I think we so believe that they do because of the pleasure they get conning us and lovebombing us in the beginning. We do see pleasure and I do think that’s very real, so it confuses us, but what we we don’t know it’s true orientation. What is it rooted in? We assume that they are like us and it’s because they love us, too and all that but what if the joy is related to a job/con well done? What if all that total loveliness that we see from them stems from that and that alone? Good question. We mistake it for something it’s not. Then later when things get ugly we get all confused about what we saw as real and we defend it. Well, it was real but “why” they felt all that may be a totally different reason than we assumed it was.

[High Society]

Hi Everyone,

I just want to say how much reading your stories and supportive messages to one another has already given me so much strength.
Reading everything, has made me wonder if I have been in an abusive relationship, as somebody suggested to me for the first time last week.

I feel so weird saying that, as everyone thinks of me as the strong and in control one, and if anything would view my husband as the one who is ‘under the thumb’.
But he’s not the same behind closed doors as he presents in front of friends, family and colleagues, and for a long time I was actually so relieved when he did act differently, as I could a) convince myself that he was not that bad and we were fine and b) people would like him and not think there was something wrong. I already feel crazy for thinking that. When I decided to tell my parents that I was very unhappy and felt trapped in a loveless marriage – I knew I could never go back, but being honest reading your stories
– made me feel stronger and I knew I could not just go back and put my head in the sand. I hope that does not sound disrespectful to anybody, as that is the last thing I want to be as I think you all sound like the most strongest, amazing women.

The subject of this thread really resonated with me, as for years I have been told that I am ‘nagging’, ‘controlling’, ‘crazy’, ‘mental’, ‘sick’ and recently much worse. At work, bad behaviour would not bother me and I am the first to stand up for myself and others, but at home it feels different, because it’s as if I need to feel guilty for having any power. I am the bread-winner, I pay for 95% of everything, and my husband refused to even have a joint account, as he said I will control him, but now in reality it means that he does what he wants with his money and I am grateful to get a monthly contribution. If he does not transfer any money when he gets paid, and I dare to ask him, I get told that I am obsessed with money and I need to grow up and our problems are all because of money – and more laughable I get reminded continually of a time when he lent me some money years ago to pay a (removed by moderator), even though I must have paid him back like 50 times over and more.
For years he has gone out and done what he wants when he wants. At first, it was not so bad, as I was too used to be independent, had a busy career and a great social life. Even then though, he would not come home until midday the next day – often in a terrible state, be verbally nasty and on one occasion kicked me when I tried to stop him from (removed by moderator). We split up when he did that but we got back together again when he was deeply remorseful – but if I think back, I think I partly felt sorry for him, as he was a mess.

Since then he has never physically hurt me, but continued to go out and stay out all night. He did it after we got married, throughout my pregnancy, and since our baby was born a few years ago. When I was heavily pregnanat, I was away for a couple of nights with family. When I rang, I could hear somebody else in the bckground but he said he was home alone. When I came back the next day, I found comdom (removed by moderator) in bin. When I confronted him, he said he had planted them to ‘test my trust in him’ and clearly I did not trust him so I was crazy. I was pregnanat and scared so I stupidily belived him and he apologised for ‘going too far’.

Last year he even left for a whole weekend, despite as having a very young child and me calling constantly. He has also gone out until mid-morning the day of an important job interview I had – which he knew about and knew how important it was. He arrived back as I had minutes to spare and had to leave him in charge of our child whilst he was clearly stinking of booze and hungover, which I hated myself for. I went away after that for a few days and stayed with a friend, but went back as I thought we could still work.
I’m sorry this is so long, but basically over time, all my trust and sense of being in a partnership has dissolved. He is no longer sorry, he now refuses to tell me where he is going or give me a time he will be back, as I will control him. I am sick of continually waiting up for him and worrying he will back in time to do pick up or look after our child. Recently I was ill and he did not believe me so ignored me. This was a wake up call, and I finally got the guts to tell him I was very unhappy and wanted to leave. I was calm and said I wanted to keep things amicable, and we were both our child’s parents and I would always respect and value that. He simply responds that he will not go and if he does he will take our child and make sure I get nothing and make life unbearable for me. He recently started telling me he collected evidence of me including that I am an alcoholic (I am not :-)). I am also (removed by moderator), and the whole world knows how independent and fully capable I am, but he says if I leave he will not trust me to look after our son, even though that is clearly ridiculous as he is quite happy to let me carry out professional job, do most the child care, clearning and manage the house and finances when he is around or has disappeared.
So I know this is crazy, but I still worry that an ignorant judge might think I was not capable because of my disability.

Once again I’m so sorry this is so long, but its my first time and feel like I need to put it down to convince myself I’m not mad. He has done so much more, but I don’t want to send you ladies asleep,
I need him to get out, and I am lucky enough to be able to afford everything by myself with my child, but he will not get out, but just treats the place like a very cheap hotel and comes and goes as he pleases and mostly ignores me, whilst I have moved out of our bedroom and sleep in the spare room.

I’m trying to get advice on how I can get him to leave, so all of your stories and amazing advice has been and I am sure will continue to be amazing.
Thank you, and I’m sorry if I sound like a dramatic idiot!
You are all incredible.

[Anonymous]

HUGE Big Welcome here High Society and I know it took alot for you to even post all you did and fully believe you that there is soo much more you didn’t say. It’s hard to do this and to come to the conclusion that yes, you are being horrifically abused and you most certainly are. There is nothing else to call all this but what it is.

I don’t know if you’ve contacted an attorney but you need to, like yesterday. You do NOT have to take this and you shouldn’t have to take this. This man, if you can call him that, has ridden along on your coattails and used up your resources, your good nature and your energy long enough now. Time for you to pull all that back in and use it for yourself and your little one.

I am hoping everything is in your name..? I assume it is from the sounds of it. But because you pay for most everything even better. This isn’t a marriage, not even close. He’s a user and an abuser. He knows it too, thus the reason for the character assassination and him already building up a defence or whatever he would call it. Flimsy at best. And using your disability as well??? Despicable. Yes indeed, your home is a hotel for him, isn’t it?

Document, document, document. Do some reading on this site. It’s very informative…Gathering evidence and case building in particular..
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Putting up spy cameras or nanny cams as they are called might not be a bad idea since you do have a baby..well actually you have two children but anywho. I’d do it. Just be careful to hide them well, there are some very small ones that do the job.

Also at any time when he is going off on you, most phones do have a “record” feature, right? Just push it.

I found this on a law site but ask your own lawyer about any recordings being used as evidence. As far as I understand it, in relation to abuse, it is allowed.

For individuals, there is an exemption under Article 2 of the GDPR which allows data to be used “in the course of a purely personal or household activity” (because the UK’s DPA works alongside the GDPR, this exemption also applies to the DPA). In such circumstances, where the use has no connection to a professional or commercial activity, the GDPR and DPA do not apply to the recording. However, if an individual discloses such a recording to a third party business, for example, the business itself cannot benefit from the exemption and it will have to comply with the requirements of the GDPR and DPA in relation to the recording.

So no more of this “you being a dramatic idiot” okay? I am officially putting tape on the mouth of your self critic playing in your head. That’s him, btw. That’s not your voice. You can rip it off if you want to but please don’t. You are still the woman you used to be, that’s all still in there and you are fully capable of getting this leech off of yourself. It will be a battle but one worth fighting for you and for you baby.

Just get out of your emotional codependent head as much as possible and let the analytical and logical side of your brain take over the wheel now. You have to remove his fangs from your throat now because you are responsible for another little life and staying with him any longer than you have to here is taking energy away from you and your baby. He obviously doesn’t care about either one of you.

Forget about what ever lovely moments you had now and then because it was all an act. That’s not who he is. This is who he is, all that you wrote. You will know them by the consistencies of their inconsistencies, Dr. Scott Peck wrote in “People of the Lie” and it’s true. Anyone can play act in order to get what they want. But he’s not even doing that one well….

You have pulled back the curtain now and you can’t unsee what you see. Can’t unknow what you know. Let’s see if we can’t keep stoking that fire in your belly because it is there. Even through the self doubt, it’s very much there. You’re just beaten up. People have no idea how this disarms us and conditions us when it happens on a daily and nightly basis unless they have been in it. It’s like brainwashing techniques. The endless gaslighting, etc. Because he does know and trust me 100% here on this “he knows” that IF you were to really get your game on, if you were to really use that power you do have, you’d be a mighty force to contend with so he has to hobble you, cripple you. He is afraid of you, afraid of losing his meal ticket for one. Bullies are always cowards at heart.

Talk all you want to here, ask whatever questions. So many lovely very experienced women on this site. Been there and done that or in the thick of it right now. You are not alone in this so I hope that helps. I’m glad you found us and glad we found you!

[Author]

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