Is this abuse ? Or is it me ?

[Swimminginafishbowl]

I’m (removed by moderator) with 3 children (1 step child from my partners previous relationship) ) with my partner of (removed by moderator) years ,I’ve questioned throughout the relationship if he’s emotionally abusive .He’s very insecure /paranoid .He checks my phone constantly ,will have a go at me if any of my male friends message me on social media,tells me who I can and can’t hAve on social media ,if my phone buzzes ,he asks who has messaged me (majority of the time it’s just my mum I hardly have any friends now ! ) he doesn’t give me any personal space ,eg if I walk into a different room in the house he will follow me . He’s verbally abusive ,shouts ,will throw objects ,slam doors .the verbal abuse is always aimed at me or my step son .recently I’ve started recording his outbursts and logging it all down and dating it ,as I wanted to be able to look back on his behaviour and try to get a grasp on weather he really is abusive or if it’s just me (he went through my phone ,has seen my notes etc and has said next time I tell my (removed by modertator) of,he will record me ! His words were ‘ (removed by moderator) ‘ )I feel like he’s constantly manipulative me ,when I pull him up on his controlling behaviour his reply is ‘if you don’t like it f**k of’ .I think he might also be coercing me into sex,when I say no to sex ,he will go in a mood with me ,or proceeds to masterBate besides me and will say things like ‘(removed by moderator)’ .He won’t accept the fact I’m tired he will carry on and on .His whole body language will change and it’s like he’s trying to make me feel bad …I hope all this makes sense ,sorry for the essay,I think I’ve normalised a lot of his behaviour so much now it’s hard to put into words and explain . I know what I need to do ,deep down ,but I’m constantly questioning my own sanity at the moment ,we moved away (removed by moderator) years ago ,I have 0 support here and family ,just my partners family .I don’t drive ..I don’t know how to go about leaving ,and without putting my children through distress and pain .If you’ve made it this far ,Thanks for listening

[maddog]

Everything you describe is abuse. Please contact your local Women’s Aid for support. You’re so right in that we normalise and accept unacceptable behaviour. None of this is your fault. It’s also normal for abusers to use us as sex objects. Legally speaking, unwanted sexual contact is at best sexual assault. Often abusers rape. Consent is irrelevant when we’re being treated as a loo or a kettle or any other object.

Please contact Rape Crisis as well. Rape myths abound and it’s so easy to fall into the old tropes. Stranger rape is rare. Women are no longer the property of men, so we should have nothing to be ashamed of. Rapists don’t rape alcohol, or clothes or bedding. Rapists rape because they feel entitled. They don’t have to be holding a knife at our throat. Sex shouldn’t be about the fear of what might happen if we don’t let them do as they please.

What you write about your partner’s sexual behaviour really strikes a chord. You’re not alone.

Your local police should have a Domestic Abuse team on 101. They’re not police, but hold information about local support for you and the children.

You’ve done really well in recognising that your relationship may be abusive. It’s a difficult step to take and you’ve done it. Your relationship is abusive.

Hopefully you’ll find lots of resources in your community for all of you. Please keep posting here as well.

You’re a witness to someone else’s appalling behaviour. Please don’t be ashamed to tell your GP, schools etc.

It’s not a storm that anyone would choose to go through. You’re not going mad. You are being maddened by the situation. Abusers want you to go mad. It gives them control and fuel.

Thank you so much for sharing here. You’ve made such an important step.

When I first started reaching out, I had no idea that it was criminal that my ex had been raping me and sexually assaulting me and abusing the children. We can’t know what we don’t know and we can’t unsee what we’ve seen.

[ryusaki]

Very abusive and he sounds terrifying! You need support and help.

[Author]

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