is this abuse, or is this what i will have from everyone?

[helpmefindhope]

Hi,
I hope this is okay to put here, I have just got out of a relationship that wasn’t safe, it started so perfect I never felt love like it, I didn’t deserve it, I quickly saw his angry side but it was my fault I made him like that and after (detail removed by moderator) broken ribs we broke up, after hospital trips and lies to the doctors I still thought it was my fault that it happened I made him do it, (detail removed by moderator) passed and after some weakness on my part and persistent on his we got back together, This moved fast I met his children we moved in together so so quickly i got out loans in my name for both of us to get cars due to his finical history that he didn’t want to talk about and the debt kept creeping up so did my worry and his anger, we had so many arguments that would lead them going too far and he would get physical it was always my fault for yelling at him or my mood being horrible. It was always my fault that the argument started I had to change I had to make things right. Will this horrible feeling of it all ever go away?
He would speak to me so horribly so rude the way he looked at me I can’t forget it, but he would turn it around with love and make me feel like there is no one else that would put up with my s**t, he would say your easy to fall in love with but staying in love with you in the hard bit.
He would go and go at me I would ask him not to yell and he would say he wasn’t, so I admit I would speak to him in the tone he is me and that would be the argument it would go on for hours, it got to the point I would just hurt myself it was nicer than the things he would say to me it was so wrong but what I did to myself would heal I can’t heal from what he has done.
I had to get out another loan and credit cards I gave them all they ever wanted but now I am in debt and he refuses to pay he has turned it all on me calling me a liar and a cheat for having friends after it ended,
But honestly this feeling is so horrible do you ever think it would have just been easier to stay with them and just let them kill you slowly.
I guess I just can’t see the light anymore it’s been (detail removed by moderator) and its killing me still, I just want to see it for what it was a lie and not think it’s my entire fault.
Is this what I get now for relationships? It’s called banter but it’s not funny and it keeps going and going, am I too sensitive? I’ve always seen myself as down for a laugh but when its constant every single day how can I find the same joke funny, when its aimed at something as little as the way I make tea or just who I am as a person.

 

[Foreverthankful]

I can relate so much to some of your story and I can say with absolute certainty that none of this is your fault. Abusers never take any responsibility for their actions and constantly reflect the blame, this is all part of the control they like to have.

I can assure you that it is completely normal to feel the way you are – a few months it may have been but time is the only healer. From personal experience I found staying away even more difficult than the courage to leave and like you, I did go back again. Whenever in doubt remind yourself of how you felt in the relationship. Things will get better and you have made a huge step by sharing your story.

Stay strong and take things day by day ❤️

[Anonymous]

First of all, you coming here and writing this is what this place is for – it’s your sanctuary and there are so so many wise women here who have been through everything you just wrote, so you will get nothing but TLC and acceptance here. Welcome!!! Please keep talking…

It’s all quite normal actually. You are purging, having withdrawals from it all. The poison they inject into our lives is just horrific on all levels. Affects every part of us, does very bad things to our overall health mind/body/spirit. So it is to be expected and heaven’s no, you don’t need to expect this from everyone in your life going forward! And this is case in point of the effects of his poison to you because that’s what he would want you to think, so please unthink it! It’s not true, pure lies.

And your abuse was “none” of your fault. None. We can’t take ownership for that one. No one deserves abuse for any reason whatsoever. I know the drill – you made me do it. Bleeccch!! It’s probably time to pull that little self critic right out of your head by the shorthairs and say – Uh, you don’t have any right in my brain anymore so out you go! Those tapes are not allowed to run freely in my head anymore thank you not so much!

We become addicted to pain, confusion, fear, adrenaline. So withdrawing from it, as if this was all food when in reality it was pure poison, is hard. It’s a process. Takes time. But being kind to yourself, doing much in the way of self care, eating right, doing whatever to sleep well, make our bedroom calm and lovely, treat yourself when you can, employ some breathing exercises every day, some easy yoga maybe, creativity/artwork/music, whatever inspires you and makes you smile. Funny movies, inspirational talks, whatever lifts your spirits and your head Up. Feed that to yourself and the other will eventually get quieter, smaller and nothing more than an echo.

So no my love, you are not stuck here forever. It does get better, very much so, just feels yuchy for now. But you are Out!!! So celebrate that one, okay?

There is a Book List thread here that you might find helpful. Tons of books, etc. for you. Information and education is Power! So many of your questions can be answered by doing this. And it is very affirming to read something and go Wow, I’m not crazy, or alone, or weird, or bad. Not at all! You’re just human and we all fall for the charmers but we correct that if we escape and you did. We don’t have to be victims, we can be Overcomers, right? That’s where you are now. You are an Overcomer.

[helpmefindhope]

i have read all you response in tears i didn’t know what to expect when i started writing but i guess im so low i thought nothing so this has helped me so much i need to keep talking and hopefully i will start to be myself again

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, welcome to the forum. I picked up on four words you said at the beginning of your post. I didn’t deserve it, and you are absolutely right, you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were. You deserved to be treated better, with respect, with love and with kindness. No one is capable of making someone hurt them or shout at them, belittle them, the only one responsible for acting like that is the person doing or being like that. There’s 2 words for what we go through, trauma bonded. I’m glad you managed to get away from him. It’s going to take time to heal your body and your mind. Have you spoken to your doctor about the way you were treated, they may be able to put you forward for therapy. It sounds as if you’re going through withdrawal symptoms. It sounds crazy but when you think about it, he was the one who hurt you and he was also the one that comforted you, you are hurting so much just now and he’s not there to make you feel better. These feelings do lessen over time, it’s not easy. I’m about a year away from my husband and I still feel those urges to see him, get him to make it go away. But sooner or later the cycle of abuse would begin all over again. He needs it too just as much as we crave him, his drug is the adrenaline rush he gets when he lets rip. That’s why we have to stay away, together we are toxic. I like who I am again,I don’t want to lose me again and I’ll protect her as much as I can.
Keep posting and reading others posts. WA recommend we don’t get into another relationship for about 2 years,to give us time to heal from this one, to see what our boundaries are and like you’re noticing, not being able to tell the difference between banter and abuse. When something is said against someone in a hurtful way that is abuse, when that person is told time and time again that they’re too sensitive, no fun, can’t take a joke, that is gaslighting. If something or someone hurts you physically or emotionally it’s horrible, if they continue to do it after you’ve told them not to, it’s abuse.
Keep posting sweetheart, no one will judge you and most of all, you’ll be listened to.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Author]

Posts