Is this abuse?

[Lostmyself]

He watches porn all the time but won’t have sex with me, he’s horrible to me these days, drinks and drives,never affectionate but is nice to everyone else. I became a shell of the person I was (removed by moderator) years ago, I’m afraid, literally speechless when I try to speak up for myself he’s shouts in my face, he spends most of his time asleep, looks his exes up on facebook all the time, lies to me even when I can prove otherwise but I’ve put on nearly 2 stone since we met so I decided to take amphetamine diet pills to lose weight in the hope he’d find me attractive again but he hasn’t noticed,I’m really lost, I don’t want to leave I want to sort it out but he says I’m mental, and when I cried today he shouted what the f**k are you crying for.I am annoying, I know I am but what do I do? Thanks for reading x

[Lostmyself]

Sorry more..he can change like the wind, he was nice after shouting and saying he wanted to leave and that he loves me and doesn’t want to, he expects me to pay half of everything even though that works out at 80% of my wages and 25% of his, I’ve tried to talk about it to change but it’s not worth it, he spends £300 a week in the pub, literally runs there and leaves me alone, he says you don’t mind do you? He was so lovely when we got together, all over me all the time, desperate to be with me, clingy and jealous,I was unsure, but as soon as I was sure of him, he changed, I don’t know what I did…nothing different.

[Osie]

Hi

This is not about you. You have done nothing wrong. I used to say I was ditsy, it is a coping mechanism as you try to understand why they are doing what they are doing to you. Sometimes we put ourselves down because they have said it enough so we believe it and other times it is about a way that we can feel a false sense of control in a situation where we have none. i.e. if we blame ourselves then we have the power to change the situation and therefore can make it better. The reality is, is this is normally false hope. trust your instincts, you have looked on here for a reason. this is not normal. think back to when you were a child and dreamed about being married etc, was this what you imagined life to be like or is this your nightmare? the thought of leaving is far more scary than it actually is but support from women’s aid and here really helps. please don’t change yourself for him and don’t let him keep knocking your confidence. try and stay away from the slimming pills as they will physically exhaust you and leave you with less energy to deal with the situation. Hope this helps, stay strong

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you for replying, I can’t think about leaving yet, I’m not strong enough, also when women have left him in the past there has been suicide attempts I couldn’t let that happen really I can’t x

[Lostmyself]

Do you think people can change if they want to? when we get on we are so good together but these things always happen again and again, I’ve never trusted him but he says I’m mental for that, the way he is around other women hurts me so much. He’s so supportive of them, if If a woman he knows cries about something he would bend over backwards to help her, but to me he just shouts, it’s makes me avoid women because it’s so hurtful

[Osie]

My first husband threatened suicide all the time. We all have choices, he can choose to get help or choose the suicide route. it’s interesting that he has survived them all. does he seek help as soon as he has done something? Just think this is about control he is using the suicide attempt history as emotional blackmail and the only thing he is worried and cannot cope with is the loss of control but that is not your problem.

I remember not feeling strong myself. after I exhausted every reason to stay I then left and never looked back. you will find the strength when the time is right. the fact that he is supportive of others but shouts at you, it demonstrates how much he is in control of what he is saying and doing. I was three years from when it all started before I left so I totally understand where you are at. the fact you are on here mind is a move towards that end goal. As for them changing, we can all change if we want to but it sounds like he has quite a history of this with other partners and is still busy playing the victim with his suicide attempts rather than wanting to change. I hope this is helping?

[KIP.]

Hi there and welcome. You must get in touch with your local women’s aid. They are fantastic. Also try reading a book called Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. Your partner is a typical abuser. They use all sorts of tactics. I’m assuming the suicide attempts were from him. Another trick the abuser uses to keep us. Guilt. Its a terrible thing for our brains to accept that the person we trust most in the world actually thrives on abusing us. These men don’t change. Why would they when they get what they want by being abusive. They suck the lives from their victims until we are a shell. Please phone the helpline number on here and definitely find your local women’s aid. Keep posting. There is something called they cycle of abuse. Google it. It will explain how they love bomb us to keep us. If it was all bad, all the time, we would leave❤️

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you. Im crying so much, I don’t want him to be like this. I think I knew it though, we were friends and he was lovely looked after me as well, how could he not realise I will not be able to stay in the end? Yes the suicide attempts were him and they were bad, he did not call for help. I wanted to look after him and love him he seemed to have had such a bad life and then he turns like this. But it’s only been (removed by moderator) months good, the rest like thisI will get the book to read, I’m just broken by this, realistically it’s not going to get better I no that

[Lostmyself]

I should say the weight I put on was because he always encourages me to eat, I have an on off eating disorder, when I first caught him messages women(all innocent) it made me so worried I threw up every meal in secret but I was binge eating too so the weight was piling on, I still have in in my head if I get perfect like one of his exes(that was almost prostitute he said) he will want me again, I do realize I’m acting strangely and that’s why he says in mentak but it’s mess with my head so much, another thing. Prostitutes- when I first got with him he used to tell me where they lived in own town because ‘his work mates’ told him, I’m not stupid there’s been rumours.All of this disgusted me and makes me feel so worthless x

[Serenity]

He’s made you feel so worthless and that you need his validation to feel worthwhile.

Truth is that you are an intelligent, caring and beautiful human being, and he’s not worthy of you.

He is cruel, selfish and when you finally gather the courage to leave, you will begin to find yourself again and eventually enjoy life rather than suffer it.

The suicide threats are emotional blackmail. It is his responsibility to sort himself out. You owe him nothing, after how he treated you.

What you said about him wanting you to pay 50% of everything though he earned much more: my ex did this. I have reflected upon it and realise that he didn’t enjoy caring for me- he always needed to feel that he was the ‘winner’ in a situation and others were the losers. He wanted me to be at zero so I wouldn’t have a life where I did things I loved and found exciting. He wanted me just there, to abuse, to vent his fury on, knowing that if he kept me down, I would stay.

You are already worth a million of him x*x

[Osie]

You are not acting strangely hun, unfortunately you are a victim of domestic abuse. Everything you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. We love them so much we are so desperate for them to change and this is what keeps us there- hope. be kind to yourself. I thought I was going mad and I even spent 3 weeks shouting at everyone reinforcing everything he was saying about me but I have learnt that so many others do the same. you seem very kind hearted and wanted to help this man in what appears to be a time where he was suicidal. he took advantage of your kind nature, do not change for this man, remember this is his problem not yours

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you everyone for the replies, a lot rings true unfortunately, I think I was hoping someone would say it’s ok he’s not an abuser and you just need to do this and this. I’m crying for thinking about how it was in the beginning and how I was so happy that we had found each other and we were going to look after each other,we were the left partner after our partners got together, it didn’t really matter they were only casual things but I couldn’t believe out of that I’d found him.
Another bad thing is that he’s really popular and will do anything for everyone, so I won’t be believed, I can’t tell anyone anyway, lots if folk will blame me I no.In the beginning he switched really suddenly, what caused that to go from perfect boyfriend to the person he is now does anyone know why? I realize this is coming out all over the place I’m not thinking straight but I need to get it all down somewhere other wise my head is going to explode, I’m not violent but I attacked a wall with a hammer earlier(no one knows) when yet again I picked up his laptop and there’s was porn, loads of, literally as soon as I left the room earlier, I happened to glance at the clock so it seems he just wants me to disappear so he can do that. It’s not even the porn I’m really extremely open minded, a lot more than he appears but the lack of sex and intimacy, like a punishment, for what though? X

[KIP.]

Hi there, abuse is all about control. The perfect man you met in the beginning never existed. It was a mask an abuser wears to trap you. The lack of intimacy is also used to control and hold all the power. Read as much as you can about domestic abusers. They’re all basically the same. You will get through this, it will get better❤️ Keep posting and phone the helpline x

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you I am going to do it after the weekend x

[White Rose]

Hi lostmyself
Don’t blame yourself for this we all do it but it’s not us.
You’ll get so much support here so post when you want as much as you want.
You’ll keep having lightbulb moments, lots of them at the moment but they’ll keep coming and you will recognise other examples of abusive behavior in him nd you’ll blame yourself for not seeing it sooner and for being taken in by him. Don’t. This isn’t down to you.
There’s lots of really positive strong women on here who have (or are in the process) of turning their lives around and we’re here for you.
Take care. Keep trying till you get through to helpline.

[Osie]

Hi

have you had a look at the website called hiddenhurt? it describes a perpetrator and a victim and gives you links to a website that supports the freedom programme recommended and run by women’s aid. You will probably be surprised that you will be believed if you speak out. it sounds like he has had a few failed relationships and they will have probably been through the same as you. I understand your fear though. the reality of your situation is that does others opinions of you really matter when life is so soul destroying for you. their belief of what is happening does not and will not change what he is doing or make you feel happy and content but you leaving and finding a better life with people surrounding you who do believe you, that do care for and consider your needs these are the people’s whose opinions count. Just remember you are not the one at fault, you have nothing to prove, you need to focus on getting the life you deserve, one with happiness and respect. don’t let him grind you down. we are all here for you and we 100% believe you and we don’t know you

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you Osie, I’m much calmer today. I really lost it last night.Things have settled down so I’m going to wait, while I can get myself together a bit more, does anyone know how I can access the freedom program, is it only for women who’ve experienced violence? I have a history of becoming involved with abusive and nasty people, I need to change this x

[Osie]

you can access the course through women’s aid or if you search the freedom programme online they do an online version for £10 but you will miss out on the support of others. I have completed the course as both a victim and someone who works with victims and it was really invaluable. for the first time ever I realised I was a text book case and so was he and you will realise the same. just remember inciting anger is one of the techniques they also use to control as they can say you are the aggressor and the one with the problem. I two have found myself going from one to another believing I have chosen someone completely different so I have found myself refreshing my memory to ensure I do not make the same mistakes again. it is so nice to hear you taking back a bit of control by wanting to change this. just remember we can’t change others only ourselves so we have to detect the blighter’s quicker.

[Lostmyself]

Thank-you again for your help and support it really means a lot, I was in such a dark place I feel a little bit stronger now x

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

So glad u found this site, can see ladies have given u wonderful advice and support , yes its def not u , these abusers r just like that,my ex too was the most friendliest person to the whole wide world apart from me who he was a monster to. Don’t even bother what other people think or if they believe u or not, u r experiencing it and living with him , u know what u go through the only validation u need comes from u. u know what u r experiencing is wrong , well done for realizing that cause these men do a brill job thinking we r the mental ones and we actually believe it. Yes through stress they do make us gain weight,lose it for yourself not for him, harsh reality is he chooses to treat u wrong, u got to leave him, call the womens aid help line get support form agencies, no one is saying leave tonight, get the right support and GUIDANCE then leave , don#t even let him know u r leaving , he will just shout at you more thinking u r bluffing or act like mr nice temporarily so u think oh his changed don’t need to leave. If u ever need to ask anything just post on here we all here to support each another

[sallanne]

Hi, this is my first post on here. Just so confused on what to do. I am a (removed by moderator) old mom of two children aged (removed by moderator) and married. Lately over the past 18 months I feel like I have been worn down by my husband. It started when I tried my hand at my own business but it didn’t work out and he says it’s because I didn’t listen to his advice. So I the get 2 jobs but I have to work on sundays which he doesn’t like because it should be for family but want me to pay in equal share of our bills. He won’t help with childcare cost because it was my choice to choose a job that isn’t just in term time, and kicks off if I ask my mom to help out with childcare because I’m not standing on my own two feet. Moans I want to spend time with friends and calls them names and when I finally told him last November that I wanted to leave he said if you want to throw (removed by moderator) away that’s up to me but your not leaving with the kids. So I stayed thinking things will get better but I just don’t want to be here…. I know he will make things so hard for me if I just went…. and he told me that it would be my choice to put the kids through a long long court battle which he knows I wouldn’t be able to afford. I just don’t know what to do!

[Lisa]

Hi Sallanne,

Welcome to the forum, well done for being brave enough to post for the first time.

Your situation sounds difficult and like you are getting pressure and emotional abuse no matter what you do. This a very typical abusive behaviour. Your partner keeps moving the goal posts of what he expects from you so that you can never and will never achieve what he says he wants. Try not to listen to what he says about a long court battle, he is trying to scare you into staying.

Have you spoken to anyone about what you are going through? A really good place to start (after this forum) is the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They have trained professionals who will be able to offer you practical information as well as emotional support. They can also give you details of organisations that might be able to offer you free legal advise or answer any questions you might have.

Keep posting on this forum too. You will find that the women on here are very supportive and can also offer fantastic information and support.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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