Is this Abusive behaviour = Need your thoughts 😊

[Over-the-rainbow]

I’ve thought it for a while….. we have been together nearly (detail removed by moderator), it’s been very up and down. Long distance for (detail removed by moderator) and moved to where he lived within the (detail removed by moderator).

For the first 3 months of being here I did wonder what I had done. We were arguing, the silent treatment etc, but accepted that was him. He’s quite quiet, minimal friends, no big social life and solitary hobbies.

He’s been managable the last 6-7 months and generally all ok.

So we have just brought a house. And I understand the stresses that go with that but no excuses for bad behaviour.

There’s been an underlying tension building, snidy comments about all sorts from both of us.

Then there was an incident with my daughter, he was rude to her, in just his tone that I thought was unfair, she’s only a toddler, so I stuck up for her.

That night I received the silent treatment, so I addressed it very calmly as to why the tension. To which he started shouting, and went on to call me a b***h and a c**t (mortified) then proceeded to throw my saucepan (detail removed by moderator) across the kitchen and into the sink full of water, then his (detail removed by moderator) flew across the kitchen too.

The dog legged it, and my toddler tried to calm him down then jumped on to my lap with hands over ears telling him to stop shouting as she didn’t like it.

I was shocked the outburst had happened again.

He then went out and stayed out all night so best thing. However,

I was at work the next day, and I can’t work without him helping do the nursery runs etc, as I work shifts and long days.

He sent a text at (detail removed by moderator) saying I had to take the day off as he wasn’t doing the nursery runs etc. I have no family or friends here, (detail removed by moderator) miles away from home so really had no choice.

I begged him and said it was very unkind to do that do us and he knows at work it’s a busy time of year, short staffed and big responsibilities.

But no a text at (detail removed by moderator) said no I won’t be home you will have to ring up sick.

It didn’t matter what happened I would never do that to him.

Silent treatment then went on for (detail removed by moderator) days instigated by me asked for an adult conversation, he left me no choice but I felt it was toxic and wanted to end the relationship, sell our new house and move back home sadly.

He had said things like I was called a c**t because I was acting like one, and I deserved it and if I wasn’t the way I am, none of this would ever happen, it was all my fault, he wasn’t sorry for forcing me to take the day off work. And he can’t take it anymore and that he was done with the relationship.

To which I agreed and said that was mutual, but he argued that and wouldn’t see any fault.

Then the next day, he literally sulked all day, cried apparently. And when I went to work, he kept texting to say we had too much to lose, and he loved me so much, and please don’t go…………

It’s so inconsistent, it makes me feel guilty, it’s likely to happen again. He still hasn’t apologised for his behaviour and actions(detail removed by moderator).

I think he’s saying one thing to me but I get the feeling it’s my fault, I’m arrogant, very unkind to him and unreasonable beyond believe and the information I receive is all made up in my head.

He doesn’t think he’s abusive, my friends don’t like him and he feels the same making it uncomfortable. My friends and family tell me it’s abuse.

I’ve spoken to his sister and she said I wasn’t the first partner to go to her about her brother. He also agrees he’s had other volotile relationships and argued loads with his ex wife because she was a c**t to apparently…..

I know he’s not telling you his side of the story, but where do we draw the line here.

Is this abusive behaviour or normal for a relationship. My other relationships have never been like this before.

Thanks for reading xx

[dustypink]

Hi,
This is definately abusive behavior with no doubts.

[freedomtochoose]

Yes it is. Definitely.
ftc
x

[Lisa]

Hi Over-the-rainbow,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be. What you have described is abusive behaviour. Domestic abuse can start or escalate when there is a form of commitment, such as moving in together. He wants you to feel guilty so that he can chip away at you and you will never leave him.

It also sounds like he has a history of being abusive to his partners. You may find it useful to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Over-the-rainbow]

Thank you for your replies.

I know I have to leave the relationship as it’s unlikely to ever get better and equally for the sake of my toddler and her development

[arandomname]

You can do it. I’m in the process right now.
That certainly sounds like abuse to me.

[Fauvist]

Irrespective of his appalling behaviour towards you, you have a duty to protect your daughter from this. Being around someone who is instigating arguments and upsetting a child to the point that they feel they have to intervene, is not a healthy environment for a toddler and can have a seriously detrimental effect on her.

You do seem to realise that you do not deserve to be treated in this way, and neither does your daughter need to be around someone so toxic. Think of her and I’m sure you’ll find the strength to get this negative person out of BOTH of your lives.

[Author]

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