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Hello,
I am still trying to decide whether this constitutes abuse, so I thought I would write down a factual account.
Firstly, it’s very difficult to write a balanced account as you really need two peoples versions however I’ll try. Please can you tell me whether you think this is abusive or not. Thank you.
Before I start, I am an Alpha female, type A. (detail removed by moderator) I am also hugely caring, loving and also very sensitive beneath it all. Anger is my first emotion when very stressed. I also there my husband out of my flat almost a year ago, he got us into debt of (detail removed by moderator) had no work and refused to do anything but paint. It was very primal but my first reaction was to make sure our children were financially supported, which meant I could not support my husband.
My husband is very non-communicative, I do not know what is going on in his life and head a lot of the time
Any subject to do with his work and career have become off limits as this subject creates a huge amount of tension. He is unwilling to speak about it and with holds financial info or won’t give me any kind of projection as to his earnings or when he likely to be in employment (he earns very little and is in a (detail removed by moderator). He refuses to do any kinds of plan B, even though we have 3 children to support.
I don’t see the above as abusive however the following I do:I was sexually assaulted at work and he encouraged me to go back and work for the same people – there was large amounts of money involved. (this was when we were still together)
He says I have a long list of people I have fallen out with and that I hold a grudge against them all. This is not true, I have fallen out with some people, however I have also made up and do not hold a grudge against anyone in this life.
He say I struggle to maintain normal relationships and they often turn abusive – again this is not true.
He often makes things up which I am supposed to have done or not done – small things but it’s got to the point where I get him to email, so I can have evidence. I feel he’s creating a kind of fake reality in order to make me look bad.
He regularly calls me “mad”, “insane”, “crazy”, and says “I display bizarre behaviour”, “I have a strange manner of treating people around me that I seem completely unaware of”.He’s said to the children: “oh it’s just your mothers compulsions” (in a derogatory way) He knows full well I have been in secondary care for various mental health issues – they’re fairly mild now, but I still feel he’s playing on weaknesses.
He refused child support and said as I would have to pay my rent anyway he should not have to payoff the children. He denies saying this, but I remember it clear as day.
Although I don’t think this is abusive I do think it’s financially negligent.
The only reason why he is paying is because I had to threaten CMS (after 6 months of supporting them alone).We took the kids away for a few days recently, on the way down I was a bit arsey i.e. singing at the top of my voice, but noting too bad, I was a little annoyed as he’s not helped me to pack when I was ill the night before and had to pack for the whole family alone ad no idea where he was.
The following 3 days I spent cooking for the family, playing with the children etc. My husband and I had sex (we hadn’t done this for a long time). Except afterwards he was devoid of emotion.. then the following weekend I planned for us to do some family outings, except he booked for outings with the children and his parents and brother etc and did not invite me. He said he didn’t want to see me and basically ostracised me. He put a lot of pressure on me to have the children, so in the end I just said to take them for the whole weekend and spent it alone (well with friends).
He says I am manipulative, a bully and I am aggressive and I have anger problems regularly.
Sorry this is so long.. what do you think? Thank you
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I should have mentioned, it took me (detail removed by moderator) to get a response as to why he excluded me the other weekend, he said it was because he was upset about the journey down.. my point is why have sex with me then!?
He also did not pay for the accommodation and asked me to pay for the whole thing when we were away.He is fully supported by his mother, she provides free lodging, pays for his bills and food.
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Hello Mrs. Cookie,
Yes, I recognise some of these behaviours (as abusive behaviour on his part) and I am sorry you are experiencing them. I feel you are having to be very strong, especially with three kids.
It is a classic and well-known tactic amongst those of us who have had the misfortune to grapple with it, that abusers try to make out we are the aggressive ones.
I wince at the ‘bizarre behaviour bit’. I was accused of this. I only found out a few years after I left that someone had phoned my G.P and said this. (I think he got a relative to do it). It led to a lot of fear and distress on my part, in court and out of it.
I honestly think that men like this have a clear intention in their heads. And it took me a long time to figure out what mine’s intention was.
The intention behind it is (and this sounds harsh) – to force you to literally disappear. I mean I feel men like this would be quite happy if we jumped off a bridge, had a breakdown etc.
Of course you are not ever going to do this, as you have kids. I also have a child.
Plus you are strong enough to maintain your boundaries and look after your mental health. As am I. though at times I struggle.
The good news is, they are never going to get what they want. Sounds like you are a warrior. Have to be no doubt.
Yes this is abusive behaviour. Call WA if you need to talk as a first step
all best
ftc
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Hi MC,
This is classic abuse – emotional,verbal,sexual and financial id say.i think he sounds like a spoiled brat and a very entitled individual if im being honest these men make me mad. he has gaslighted you, ostricised you, had sex with you and you now feel used to a degree, he wont pay for the kids unless forced. this isnt you what he has given you is a declaration he has projected on to you what he knows deep down hes is a manipulative bully, aggressive person with anger issues.
this is his upbringing that has led him to feel this entitled he wont think twice about trampling all over anyone. id get some advice and it can be a long haul but if you can go no contact with him and get a contact arrangement for the kids through your solicitor. i could go on and on but you sound like a very strong lady – knowledge is power read up about his behaviour – why does he do that by lundy bancroft on pdf is a great starting point. dont doubt yourseld this is covert abusive tactics id call womens aid xx
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Ok thanks, he has them every other weekend for a Sat night, it is all he will commit to at the moment. I very much doubt they’d try and take the kids, as that would mean they have to look after them full time, which is obviously a huge responsibility. I am mindful of it though, I will no longer talk to him re my MH issues for example as I don’t trust him any longer.
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Thank you all so much for all of your replies. Immediately my mind goes to tell you more – to make sure this is balanced, as we had 10 years together and I have only given you a picture of the last year which covers the seperation.
When we were living together, he was not emotionally abusive. In-fact he looked after the family in terms of cooking nice food every day, doing shopping, cleaning etc – he was a home maker.
The finances however have always been an issue, he is as mentioned single minded re his career, to the point where he refuses to do anything else.
I am not an angel…. I can snap, especially when tired and hungry : ( I can be bossy, messy, I also threw him out (which he reminds me of.
He is also hugely friendly, charming and popular with friends. All of these points lead me to doubt myself.
Plus it’s also very difficult to call someone you love ‘abusive’. -
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Hello Mrs Cookie
This is my first day on the site and I am far from an expert but I am with 100% diymum’s point of view. Classic abuse. And you seem like me – far, far, far too quick to see it from the other person’s point of view and question yourself and I think this makes us ‘catnip’ for abusive types because haha – we fall for their sense of entitlement, their twisted viewpoint so easily.
I also had no ‘bruises’ to show. But I agree – read Lundy Bancroft, start reading about n*********s, it will amaze you the almost play-by-play recreations of things you thought were unique.
He is a SPOILT brat. He is entitled and YOU deserve better. And stuff his twisting cr*p right where the sun doesn’t shine … and something I never did but wish I had, call him out on it the moment he starts with the lies. I still don’t understand quite why I never said anything, I would fall completely silent (perhaps out of a desire not embarrass someone, or perhaps because I thought lying was such a terrible thing to accuse someone of — I really don’t know but I wish I did).
He is who he is – he may well have some good points BUT he is entitled and abusive towards you. In my view! Good luck with getting the entitled prat out of your life.
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from the second book i read by lundy bancroft ( the expert in dv) he said one red flag is ‘the charmer’ this is how they hook you in. everyone wants to gain out of a relationship i mean in a good way like supporting one another – working as a team. with these men its a fasade to hook us and charm us- often abusive men hold down important positions in society look at what happened with the church of England – who would think a church chaplain would abuse to such a degree xx
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Oh and I would just add about the mother thing. That is exactly where my ex is now too — he has always lived off women …. his girlfriend before me, a very sweet-natured French flatmate for a while, me and now back to his mother.
He was ‘a designer’ which meant he sat around doing b****r all because, as I understand it, to work a 9-5 was beneath him. In his view, the world was meant to provide … he is an old Etonian so not as though he didn’t have a first class start in life re. education but unfortunately no trust fund (life is just so cruel and unfair!) and he had every opportunity available but no, he wouldn’t work at such a lowly thing as a job.
I don’t want to blame ‘mothers’ as they get far too much stick anyway – however, I think there is a recurring theme where the boy can do no wrong and they run around after them regardless of behaviour and that then can become a ‘default’ mode for the child when he becomes a man, just expecting an endless stream of mothering-slaves to attend to their every whim and being outraged when that ceases to be the case. Some grow up and out of it – and some simply never manage to do that.
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yeh we cant blame anyone else really but him this is his ‘choice in how he behaves’ but i know spoiled children rend to grow up to be narcassists – my ex wouldnt work either he just bullied his way with everyone to get everything he needed theyre like emotional drainage bags – it is very frustrating xx
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I couldn’t agree more. This “boy” is now (detail removed by moderator) old and sill living off his mum almost a year later.
I’ve actually asked her to charge him rent and bills, however she’s refusing to give a response and has said she feels manipulated and bullied and that I shouldn’t speak to her like that, however I was very polite but also firm.
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thats he confession to you right there sheer projection for him – this area is vast she is what we call his ‘flying monkey’ she is manipulated by him – probably played a role in moulding him when she brought him up or his fathers influence? she knows what he is deep down – if she admits that she looses him she wont risk that for anything even for the truth. the sad thing is not living in the real world and not in the truth theyre not REALLY living not like us – we have the ability to love and be kind – were truly living xx much love diymum
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the problem is they dont ever take responsibility for anything – including kids etc its all about them! lol argh !! love diymum
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By the way, I want to add that I think encouraging you to go back to the workplace where you were assaulted is a particularly vile thing to have done.
You know he may be superficially nice, he may be charming and so on BUT he is also a huge negative and there are only really two ways of managing this – a. leave and either find a person who is an adult and can love you and support you/or live happily by yourself (preferred option I would say) or b. stay but THEN you would have to find and be given some proper coping mechanisms to deal with all his cr*p because he is not going to change.
The truth is you cannot reason with such people. They do not respond to reason … at best they respond only to consequences and even then, the consequences have to be quite severe to get a change/response.
And why would you take that on?
(detail removed by moderator)
So you know, you could stay but I don’t think you SHOULD stay. He will suck the life out of you and then complain about you being half-dead.
Go and have a full life – away from flipping vampire, truthless ar$eholes.
And if I were you, I would bring up the fact that he encouraged you to go back to that workplace and make him explain it! (Well I wouldn’t because I am weak myself but if I were a better person than I am – then I would!)
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I did mention it the other week, his response was “this is very boring”. I know it’s awful to write down.
I am living alone now, I have set strict boundaries. I am also taking 100% responsibility for my life and what is in it and it feel a lot better for me to do that, rather than blaming other people for my situation.
IE (detail removed by moderator)I chose to allow a new boyfriend who was being supported by his mum to live with me. I chose to have a baby with him. I chose to stay when there were clear signs of his un supportiveness- I remember when I was heavily pregnant, something happened on the bus and he just stood by and said nothing. I can’t quite remember the detail but I do remember being upset at him not showing any support.
I have tried so many times to say he needs a plan B career, however I have never given him an ultimatum (I don’t like doing that type of thing).I am also clear that these are my requests: be financially responsible and communicate clearly. That is it.
This is what I expect in a marriage, however these simple requests which I think are pretty standard have resulted in this tirade from him. Just to be clear there was no financial target, it was just try your absolute hardest, pull out all of the stops and don’t put all eggs in the one basket.The stuff that man says to (detail removed by moderator) is horrible. I also have comments that are a lot more subtle, but are surrounding my intelligence and ability to study.
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Hi Mrscookie,
I just wanted to add my support for the horror you have experienced – as someone else on this forum once said and I will never forget her kind words; the fact you think it could be you that’s abusive proves it’s not. I’ve learned abusive people don’t reflect on how their behaviour might affect others because why would they care? It’s all about them.
I’d also just like to say that I hate that comment “this is boring” or “you’re boring”. I heard it daily for years. It sends shivers down my back just reading it. HOW can it be boring to talk about what your significant other is going through? I’m so sorry he not only first made you go back there but then had to dig even deeper and call it boring wanting to talk about it…
It sounds like you have taken a good handle on the situation and I like how you have set up boundaries and aren’t looking to play the blame-game that they so often do. I also agree with what’s been said about their families/parents that they might have grown up without much consequence of anything but at the end of the day, they choose their own behaviour – their parents might have played a part in what they became as adults but ultimately everyone has a choice in what actions they do or do not take.
Keep posting and welcome to the forum.
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Thanks Always Sorry, I’ve read that line of the assault part back to myself pretending it’s a friend that told me this. I would have told them to leave and never go back : (
I’ve always reasoned with the situation in my head that because the assault was not rape or serious in nature (I can say detail but horrible experience) that it wasn’t that bad. -
Look at the relationship he has with his mother, it’s likely he expexts the same from you, to be his carer.
I threw my ex out because I was the only one taking care of the all the bills, the holidays, the children, with very little if anything in return except abuse when I challenged things. They all seem to call us similar names, and yes, they do exploit our vulnerabilties to leave us doubting ourselves; a caring, loving partner would never do this.
You deserve better, what is your truth? Listen to your voice and stand in your truth, dont listen to him, he has shown us he can not be trusted, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, only his own x
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