Is this all my fault?

[Byzantium02]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I have been here. I just wanted to talk or even just type this down because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I met my husband a long time ago. When we were dating he would sometimes blank me or give me one word answers for no apparent reason and he would never talk about why or apologise. If I used to support him or do something nice he would get very annoyed with me but if I didn’t he would say I don’t care. Most of the time he was very nice to me but he would get regular periods when he wasn’t. We started living together and he quit his job and I was supporting us both for years. He would get quite lonely I think because he would want me to be at home for work when I could. He would ask to see my spending which he stopped after a short while. When he gets angry he will blank me, call me stupid, idiot, r****d, swear at me, throw my clothes out of the room, tell me h wants to break up. He then goes back to being ok but will usually remind me that he is not ok and still angry with me. He threatens divorce and takes his ring off very regularly whenever he is annoyed. He hates my family and me spending time or even speaking to them. He blames them for this even though it was something he did which has caused an issue. He has just started working again and has spoken about preferring to live on his own and tells me he wants a divorce and sell our home but at the same time buys things for the house. It’s very confusing. He really wants children but I can’t have children and we have tried treatment in the past. He says he wants more sec and intimacy but hates me touching him or will ignore me if I do touch him but then say I don’t touch him or even go near him. I feel so stressed out and low. Is it normal to be saying he wants a divorce every time is annoyed but buy stuff for the house at the same time? Should he be calling me names even in anger? He says sometimes that he is so angry he wants to punch me or even stab me. He has never been physically violent to me and I don’t think he ever would but it is so upsetting to hear. I feel like I must have done something terrible to make someone say things like that. He says he only behaves this way because I make him. I get so ashamed of myself I can’t talk to anyone about it. He gets annoyed if I do t argue back or fix whatever I did but I recently get so low and anxious I struggle to speak and articulate myself which he takes as not caring

[KIP.]

You are with a very typical domestic abuser and absolutely nothing you do will be right. Because he doesn’t want you to be right, he wants to abuse you and you cannot stop this by your behaviour. The problem and fault is his. They gaslight us. Keep our head spinning. So we don’t have the headspace to work out they’re abusive. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. The won’t change. It’s not you. It’s him. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Google the cycle of abuse x

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and I’m sorry to read your circumstances. What you describe, as Kip says is classic abusive behaviour. None of it is your fault and it all keeps you trying to please and ‘walk on eggshells’, confused yet nervous/scared. Kip is amazing on here and given you some fantastic tools to start reading. But to answer your question is it your fault? The answer is absolutely not. x

[Getting their 12]

Hello I’m not sure if I am in an abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend, I have supported him throughout the years and I was always there for him but when I need support or someone to talk to he says my problems are not adult problems he says their not problems that are to be upset about which makes me feel very much alone I cannot come to him for support. He mad fun of me for living with my mom I told him I was saving he said your always saving your the oldest you should of moved out which made me feel like a failure I feel like I can’t do anything right and I feel like I am a failure, is this abuse or am I being sensitive?

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