is this emotional abuse?

[Upsetandconfused]

New here and just wanted some advice as to whether this is emotional abuse. Basically, my partner accuses me of cheating quite a lot for example if I go to visit family or friends or even pop to the shop and take longer than usual. He also accuses me if I dress a little nicer than usual, wear make-up, jewellery, or perfume (he was cheated on in the past and is quite insecure). He also hits things when he is angry (objects and doors) and he does this in arguments (he has never hit me) but I don’t like that he hits things and If I tell him to calm down in an argument well that makes things worse (I have two holes in one of the doors). I am mentally worn out because we argue a lot (over what I think are very silly little things) but they always get blown out of proportion (in my opinion) and he ends up lecturing me and I feel like I can’t speak my mind. I am a very sensitive person and I don’t know whether I just take things the wrong way sometimes but I do feel he criticises me (the way I do things or the way I communicate) a lot of our arguments are a result of me ‘not communicating properly/ not saying what I meant’ and it’s frustrating because if I try to put things right I end up making them worse and he says things like – this over reactions could have been avoided if I had just listened to what he said and responded correctly. I feel like I can never do anything right.

[Living Warrior]

Firstly, hi and welcome!
Secondly well done for getting the courage to ask a question. I know it can be very difficult.

I would say that what you are describing is classed as psychological abuse. Your partner is trying to make you think that your opinions or thoughts arnt valid. I was in a relationship like this for many years. It started like you said over little things. But soon got to bigger things he also never hit me, would throw things punch things and ever grabbed me amongst other things. But never HIT me. The idea of abuse to most people, including the abusers themselves is they dont hit so it’s not abuse.

If you feel in any way that you cannot Express yourself in whatever way you wish then chances are there is a problem.

Couples bicker, they dont always agree, but usually happens is compromise. There should never be one top dog… never one leader.. that role should be shared, as a team.

I found this out after I left my ex. I joined womens aid and went to regular groups. The power to change worked wonders for me!
It made me see that I wasnt alone, it showed me what abuse is, and opened my eyes to how long it had been going on for. The staff were very knowledgeable, and sign posted me to many different places where I could get help.
My ex also was cheated on in the past and like you that’s where our problems started. I’m a very bubbly outgoing person. I talk to anyone just to be nice, he felt threatened so told me I was flirting with everyone.

He made me into a shell of myself, I didnt dare say hello to anyone, incase they thought I was flirting. Womens aid showed me that who i was and what I was doing was just being nice, friendly, approachable. It took me years to figure this out and by this time we had children. Now i am in loving amazing relationship, but my ex is constantly taking me through court for access, even though he doesnt ask about the kids or follow court suggestions.

I have been in similar shoes to where you are now.Dont let anybody dull the sparkle that you have.
Get intouch with womens aid. See what they suggest… but yes, that is definitely the 1st stages of abuse. Keep yourself safe.
Good luck x*x

[Upsetandconfused]

Thanks Living warrior for sharing your story with me.
I’ve been so worried, anxious/ stressed and kept everything inside for so long now and I feel I’ve lost myself, but even just writing on here and getting your response and advice has made me feel so much better already. Thank you x*x

[Hawthorn]

Hi and welcome to the forum Upsetandconfused 😊

You’re very brave to reach out as I’m not surprised you feel upset and confused. Yes it is abuse, and no it is not your fault or because you are over sensitive. Google the power and control wheel, there is likely many more behaviours of his you will identify. He is verbally abusing you with his criticism and put downs, trying to isolate you and keep you on the back foot with his accusations of infidelity and threatening and physically intimidating you with his physical violence of banging furniture and doors. It is all calculated to make you frightened and submissive so he can control you.

If you were up for reading please try Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it is available to read for free online. Please reach out to your local womens aid and keep reaching out here too. Men like this dont change, and sadly abuse always gets worse. Sending a big hug xx

[Upsetandconfused]

Thanks Hawthorn! Yeah I think in my head I knew something wasn’t right all along. Had a look at the power and control wheel and I definitely think he tries to isolate me ( I feel like I can’t go places out of fear of being accused) I feel like I give in to everything he wants and ignore my needs because I don’t want him to get angry, frustrated, lecture me or accuse me of things. I think I will definitely reach out to local womens aid, I haven’t until now because I’ve been making to many excuses for his behaviour and I’ve been so confused as to whether what I’m experiencing is actually abuse – felt like I’m crazy and brought it upon myself. Thanks for your support it’s really helped me today to realise it is abuse and now I might be able to do something about it x*x

[Hawthorn]

Contacting womens aid will be the best call you ever make. The abuse makes us so confused, it is deliberate crazy-making behaviour. You are trying to reason it out as a reasonable person, but abusers are not reasonable people. Of course you made excuses for him, abusers use sob stories to make us feel sorry for them, then blame us for everything so they never have to take responsibility for their actions. It would make anyone feel crazy, I know I did.

I wasnt crazy, and neither are you. Good luck reaching out to womens aid, the lines are very busy but if you email or leave a message they are very good at getting back to you.xx

[gettingtired]

I can relate to so much of what you’ve said.
I’m walking on eggshells all the time too; have to be careful what I say or how I respond to him in arguments. In case he bl*ws up or starts on one of his long drawn out lectures. I’m always told what I am, what I’m feeling or why. It becomes very suffocating living this way.
I agree with reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft if you’re to it. It’s honestly a huge eye opener. Although the abusers may use different tactics, ultimately they all have the same goal which is power and control.
Well done for reaching out, I know how hard that is x*x

[Upsetandconfused]

This sounds exactly the same gettingtired. I have to avoid certain topics because they make him angry or stressed e.g. money talk, employment but then leaving it longer before discussing things makes it all worse. Also have to avoid talking about male friends (not that I have any left) Feel like I’m having to censor all my words and thoughts because even phrasing something the wrong way is enough to cause an outburst. Suffocating is definitely the right way to describe it! I’ll definitely have a look at reading this.

[Living Warrior]

No problem hunni, i hope it helped. we have all been in some kind of situation that can relate to anything you are going through, do not hesitate to get in touch again. The forum is here as a safe place for everywhere to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling judged.
do get intouch with your local womens aid, they helped me so much and are amazing! good luck on your journey.

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