Is this emotional abuse?

[Mini@]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here and just looking for any similar experiences to help me feel a little less crazy. I have been in what I think is an emotionally abusive relationship. We have a child and a shared mortgage and I have recently left and moved back in with my parents. We have had a rocky relationship over the years mainly due to his alcohol and drug issues. He has had a habit of going out and disappearing for the weekend and showing back up in a sorry state after completely ignoring me. He treated me this way all through my pregnancy to the point where I almost walked away but was convinced to stay because things would get better. He isn’t an alcoholic but he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I know he has a history of recreational drug use. I made it very clear that I needed him to step up as a partner and father and was promised that he would. Over the last few years since having our child and moving in together, our relationship has progressively gotten worse. Most of the parental responsibilities have fallen to me since I exclusively breastfed and ended up co-sleeping due to so many nightly wakes. During lockdown our relationship was definitely tested and we had our ups and downs. I have felt over the years he has spoken to me with disrespect and can easily lose his temper. He often feels justified in his decisions and the way he speaks to me. My friends and family have expressed concern over how he has spoken to me in-front of them although he likes to pass it off as his sense of humour. He has made no effort to spend time with my family and friends and we lead seperate lives mostly. His jokes are always at my expense and he often jokes about how he is much smarter than me, more logical and more efficient with everything. He jokes about my appearance but with things that I actually am insecure about so even though it’s done in a jokey way it still hurts. He knows this but still continues to joke and brushes it off. He also likes to play around like he is in control and has strangled me, pinched/squeezed me, tugged at my hair, bit me and pinned me down etc in a jokey and almost sexual way at times. Saying things like “I own you” or makes me say it to him. He does it like he’s just joking and almost like he’s playing a character but I don’t think he’d go further than that. He did strangle me with too much force once to the point of tears because it actually hurt. He was so apologetic and said he didn’t mean to hurt me and did seem genuine. In the week leading up to me leaving, he did dig his elbow in to my shoulder as he stood up from sitting next to me mid argument and on another occasion he squeezed my leg when he was frustrated with me. I brought this up with him and he said he felt embarrassed and was sorry. We have conversations when he is calm and agree to walk away and calm down in the moment but he can’t seem to do it and I didn’t ever want to argue in front of our child. Whenever it actually came to it though he would completely disregard this and would call me patronising for walking away or saying I would talk when it was just us. I’ve built up a lot of resentment over the last few years due to feeling unsupported and since going back to work things have been harder. I’ve found it hard to keep on top of food shopping and cleaning and have never been good at having meals prepared since it had been too stressful to cook with a little one at my feet. He was constantly criticising me for the house being messy and wanted me to do things better. I should be more organised and do online shopping, prep more at nights, get up earlier to make sure I had time to not leave dishes etc in the morning, only wash clothes if I then dried and put away rather than letting clean washing pile up. I found myself constantly trying to keep on top of things but never quite managing and there was always something else I’d forgotten or hadn’t done good enough. It was my job to make sure bins were always emptied and if the toilets or shower was dirty it was my fault. He would shout and actually shake with rage, slamming doors and saying I should be embarrassed. He said he’d taken photos to show my friends and family how I lived even though everyone close to me knows the situation and has been in the house and agrees it’s not that bad. He says the mess etc stresses him out and I can understand to a degree but his reactions were disrespectful and hurtful. In the week leading up to me leaving things were worse than ever. We couldn’t go a day without arguing and I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. When he was in a good mood things would be great between us but could instantly flip. He seemed disinterested in me and payed little attention to me or our child. He wanted to sit on his phone and put in minimal effort. Then he was going out and not coming home and being hungover the next day so no support to me at all. He would start a fight just to storm off and have a reason to justify him not helping. That’s when I had enough. I don’t feel like I love him anymore. He’s hurt me so much and this message doesn’t even cover the half of it. Deep down I feel like he is dishonest and I don’t trust him. I have known him to message other ex partners over the course of our relationship. Now that I have left he is bombarding me with messages and begging me to try. He says we have not put in the effort to make things work and if we did small simple changes everything would work. He says I’m giving up and is using my mental health against me saying I’m not making rational decisions. He has cycled back and forth between saying he hates me and doesn’t know who I am to sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs of messages trying to persuade me to stay. Because we share a child together and I’m still breastfeeding at night, he asked us to stay at the house together so he could have the night/morning together. I agreed but was reluctant because I find it hard to stand by my boundaries in person. He continued to cuddle/kiss me in person and I would feel bad for saying no because then he would get huffy and it was awkward. This led to us being intimate together. He seemed to push it and I felt bad at the time but I went along with it. He says I’m messing with his head and I have apologised for this. He says he is in a bad place and I’m leaving him when he needs me the most but I need to put myself and our child first. Basically I’m just looking for any similar experiences and to know whether this sounds normal or not. Typing it out I know some things aren’t and actually sound worse than they feel if that makes sense. Feeling very confused about everything. Any advice or support is welcome. Thanks in advance!

[Whatarollercoaster]

This is definitely emotional abuse. I’m in a similar situation where I’m torn between going and staying. Same here: all the household duties are mine, shopping, bills you name it. My partner does not work and I do, yet I have everything on my head plus being told what I should be doing and how I should be thinking too.
I’m trying to think to myself if this Is how I want to live my life because this won’t change. Yes my partner hurt me physically before and stopped but the way he I thinking never changed and I was just left destroyed inside because all of the abuse was my fault apparently and in fact he started now telling me I’m the abuser. I’m just so tired.
The bottom line is. It has to be your decision only. Listen to your gut. I think it’s awful what he’s doing to you and you are one amazing mum. You really are! Look after yourself

[Mini@]

Sounds like an awful situation I’m so sorry. I felt the same before I left and it was building and building and I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel torn too because of how he is acting now and feeling like it’s my fault too. I can say though that I feel much more settled and happy living away from him even though I’ve lost my home and I know it hasn’t been an easy transition for our child either. Thank you for your reply and I hope you’re able to make a decision that best for you. Same to you ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Yes and pretty similar to my experience. All money/bills, all childcare, all responsibilities sit on my shoulders, he’s been no help with our shared child yet uses him as a weapon to threaten me with. Drink/drugs and his enabling mates take priority and he’ll see no issue disappearing all night then sleeping all the next day whilst kids can’t go in same room. I too walk on eggshells as anything can flip him. He used to throw our bedroom furniture around if he couldn’t find a pair of socks, like come on. I told him months ago it was over, he refused to leave, he acted like we were together expecting me to hug/kiss him when I didn’t want to, as that wasn’t working he stopped paying his bills (although his share was minimal anyway!) and this week it’s been how I have to write to the council so he can get a house…erm no. If you haven’t read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf’s available on Google or buy a copy), it’s a big eye opener. Be strong, you deserve so much more x

[Mini@]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and feel for you. Thanks for your suggestion I have been reading it online over the last few days and it’s opened my eyes to a lot and helped me to understand things a lot better. I’m feeling a little less confused and feel like I can see the abuse for what it is. I hope things get easier for you. Stay safe ❤️

[Hazydayz]

💕 stay safe

[Author]

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