Is this emotional abuse/manipulation?

[xxx22]

I’m new to the forum and haven’t posted before, this seems like such a great place for support and advice. I feel really lost at the moment and feel like I don’t have anybody who can help me through it. I realised lately I could have been experiencing emotional abuse but because it isn’t all of the actions I have read about and the majority of the time he is fine, I guess I just brushed it off. I have been with my boyfriend for just over (detail removed by moderator).. the start of our relationship actually began when he was working away and we somehow still fell into it before he was back. It always seemed very intense and now I think of it there was so many signs of love bombing but I thought it was mutual both ways so just went with it. He has been back about (detail removed by moderator) months now and during that time there has been numerous issues but because I had lost my job due to COVID and started staying with him, I thought that was the cause of a lot of them. So I left and went back to mine. But things are still happening. Day to Day he seems so loving, caring and like I am his entire world… to be honest it’s been the nicest comfort during this horrible period for me and I have developed depression through circumstances plus also having had anxiety. But when we disagree or argue he gets so annoyed and disregards my feelings even when I am trying to express myself. He will end it with me and walk out on me but then the next day tell me how much he loves me and he only did it because I said I wasn’t happy or because I said this or that so he thought it was the right thing. Then he calls me and sends me paragraphs of how he cant live without me etc.. so then I just go back because I think he doesn’t mean it. But this time it felt weird, so different. Like I had hit rock bottom with everything and even the highs couldn’t take away the lows. When I last saw him since then, he was at my house and I know I shouldn’t have but previously we had an argument about something to do with social media and so I wanted to look on there (this is another thing, I feel so weak and insecure now.. I would never have looked down a previous partners phone). Anyway on the day after he walked out and ended it but was messaging me telling me how much he loves me.. he was actually sexually flirting with somebody on there – our gut never fails us I guess. When I confronted him I expected him to get mad but he didn’t, he just started smothering me. He wouldn’t leave, said it was a mistake and we wasn’t together that day, he loves me and cant be without me again blah blah blah. He kept hugging and kissing me and wouldnt get off of me…said he wasn’t going home so I shouldn’t fight it. I think he thought he was fighting for me but it was so much smothering. To the point it was (detail removed by moderator) hours later and then he said ‘if you want me to go then i’ll go’ once I had been weakened down and clearly wouldn’t have wanted him to. There is lots of situations like this where the argument can get so bad, he will never backdown or compromise or resolve it but then if i have tried to end it or he even has through anger then it always turns back into the begging. (detail removed by moderator) I decided to just end it, the emotional tortue is killing me.. he said things like ‘so you don’t love me anymore?’ and all these things but then once he accepted it, he started asking me if I was okay for money and if I’m not I should tell him because he cares and doesn’t want me to not eat properly etc. It’s like a reminder that I need him. Because he seems so invested in me and our relationship and seems to love me so much everybody thinks these gestures are nice but to me now it just all seems like words. Is this behaviour emotional abuse? Does it get worse each time I go back? I feel like he doesn’t even believe it’s over.
Any advice would be so great x*x

[Camel]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

It might help to think about what he DOES and not what he SAYS.

At the same time, consider how YOU FEEL, not how he says HE FEELS. Or even, what he TELLS YOU you should feel.

In your case I’d also be wondering if he’s causing (or making worse) your depression and anxiety. It can be hard to pin down the cause, coming as it did during COVID, lockdown, losing your job and moving in with him.

I’d also be concerned that he didn’t respect your personal space and your wish for him to leave. What you call ‘smothering’ is worrying behaviour. Telling you not to fight it is, without doubt, repulsive behaviour. It sounds so much like you were held hostage and in my opinion shouldn’t be minimised as trying to win your love. It just isn’t normal or reasonable behaviour.

[xxx22]

Thank you x

Yeah you are right. He says a lot of things but what he does is different – I guess that is why it is starting to just feel like words.

I was wondering if the depression has been triggered through the relationship and beginning to break down from it. I guess it has happened a lot in a short, intense period of time.

Similarly to you, I felt that the smothering was worrying behaviour. It all felt so toxic. One of my friends thought it was ‘sweet’ just like she thinks him sending me all these paragraphs or ringing me to go to dinner after things have happened is ‘sweet’. It is not, it begins to just feel meaningless.

Strange I can feel so many mixed emotions in one go and still feel sad by this. I am guessing that is a well know reaction to abuse though.

Thank you for your reponse x

[gettingtired]

Camel is right. Please run for the hills and don’t get back together with him. Yes it will only get worse. It’s not normal behaviour what he is doing and it will destroy your mental health. My biggest regret is moving in with my boyfriend but I didn’t know about abuse at the time or what was happening. Have a google of the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding etc if you haven’t already x

[xxx22]

Thank you x

I was reading up on a lot of things but I think thats where I started to wonder if I am being overly paranoid trying to connect the dots or when certain signs wasn’t what he does then I would think I am overreacting.

It’s just crazy how he can be so loving and act like hes my rock but he makes me feel this way. I do feel really alone and upset now, especially as majority of the time he does seem great. I doubt it is over in his head yet but I do agree with you that it will destroy my mental health because I can feel it already!
xx

[Camel]

There’s nothing ‘sweet’ about stalking and controlling behaviour. I’d stop asking this particular friend for her opinion/advice as it’s really not helpful or safe.

Look at what you say: “he can be so loving and act like hes my rock but he makes me feel this way.” So, he ‘acts’ like he’s your rock but you know he isn’t? Then worry that you’re over-reacting if you don’t fall for his guff?

We are all allowed to call time on a relationship. Even if the other person thinks they’re the best thing that ever happened to us. Especially if! Knowing your own mind is not over-reacting.

[Hetty]

I agree, there’s nothing sweet about his behaviour. My ex used to bombard me with texts and before we lived together he’d turn up at my house. I always felt uncomfortable but went with it as I so wanted the relationship to work. I ignored my gut instincts and tried to make the relationship work. Fast forward years and I was living with him with my child. The moods intensified, no respect for boundaries and constant drama. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. My ex could also be very charming but then he wanted admiration for loving me and doing things that are just the norm in a healthy relationship. When the mask slips take note, this is his true self. Save yourself x

[xxx22]

Thank you for your responses x*x

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