Is this emotional abuse?

[SoundingElement]

I don’t know a lot about emotional abuse, but a friends partner is a police officer and suggested I look into it. I want to know what people think – or whether it was just a bad relationship and break up.

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator) and it hasn’t been easy from the start. He cheated on me several times in the beginning, even in our own house, but I stayed because he eventually told me and I love him. I was willing to forgive him but over the past year or so, he hasn’t demonstrated any real remorse for his actions. He is under the impression as I have forgiven him I should trust him. When I check his texts since I have seen things I am unhappy with and confronted him. He blames my insecurities from past and reassures me that it won’t happen again. Then it does, he never respects my boundaries. He says he ‘lets’ me out. He doesn’t trust me even though I’ve done nothing wrong and checks my knickers before I go out.

When we argue he won’t leave me alone or let me have some space to myself and will follow me from room to room. He swears at me and calls me names, but never threatens abuse. I have pushed him before because I felt intimidated. He has told people that I have hit him when I didn’t referring to that situation. He has tried to convince me I did and I know pushing him was wrong and admitted to this. Since then he has restrained me during arguments against my will saying I have anger issues and he is not sure what I will do.

He has prevented me from telling my friends about the cheating saying they shouldn’t be getting involved. He tells me people from work think I am crazy. He lies to my family about me. He always tells me what I want to hear and tells me he loves me, but there are never any actions to demonstrate that he has changed. The thing that worried me is when I didn’t want to have sex and he pressured me until I agreed. He could tell I wasnt enjoying it so asked me to put more effort in as it was like having sex with a dead person. He says he wants to have sex so he can go to sleep which makes me feel used.

I had the courage to end things but he seems in denial. He keeps blaming my friends and family. I’m staying at a friends but he wants me to come home and speak to him when I don’t want to. I’ve asked to be left alone and that I don’t want to speak to him but he won’t respect that. He will for a bit then will text me asking for numbers of my friends to apologise and that he is sorry or try ring me but I won’t pick up, he will then text saying its really important to get me to call him back. If I continue to be firm and say it is over he gets irate and says I’ll never see my cat again as he will take him and that I am evil. Then he immediately says sorry again and wants me to come home.

When I first left I picked my stuff up with two friends as I didn’t want to go back alone. He says I am getting people involved and his mum has text saying I need to speak to him on my own. I don’t feel safe as he had punched a hole in the wall. Then he wouldn’t let my friends in the house and told then to drive away, until I eventually convinced him to let one in. He was threatening towards them and very rude. So much so, one called the police. He threatened me with suicide. The police attended and as we went to leave he came out the house with his keys. I am not sure if he intended to follow us. He was very unstable, he saw the police and invited them in. He messaged me saying the police agreed he shouldn’t have let them in.

Since staying at a friends he has messaged me continuously and tried ringing me too when I have been firm saying it is over and I’d like him to respect that decision and leave me alone. He won’t leave the flat. I paid the deposit as well as fees, and rent and bills for this month. Money doesn’t matter, but I don’t feel like I should be the one to get myself into debt when he has savings and hasn’t been paying his way, but it is a joint tenancy and he won’t move his things out. I just want to be out of the relationship and safe. I don’t know whether this is actual abuse, or just a messy relationship but I’d appreciate any advice on what I could do next.

[KIP.]

It’s absolutely one hundred percent abuse. These men are most dangerous when we end a relationship so under no circumstances allow him anywhere near you. You should ring the helpline number on here for advice. If you need to go back for your belongings and cat then please take a police officer with you. You can ring Rights for Women to see where you stand legally with the joint tenancy but I would not trust him to do or pay anything. He will try to keep you hooked into him in any way he can. Do not trust a word he says. Restraining someone is illegal. Pressuring someone into sex against their will is rape. Keep posting and reading other posts. You will see lots of similar behaviour. Block his number or change your number. You don’t need to listen to his lies. My ex was a cheat too and accused me of the same. They are good liars. Google cycle of abuse and Gaslighting in domestic abuse. Stay safe x

[yellow daisies]

I’ve just read your message, and I honestly thought I was reading a previous post of mine, because your experience, down to every last detail, is exactly what I went through with my ex. you are definitely 100% suffering from domestic abuse and violence. Im currently in the same situation as you, where he will swing hot & cold, from being nice to then being absolutely vile when he’s not getting what he wants. He used to sexually abuse me the same way you mentioned above, and it is so degrading & humiliating to be the victim of that. The only thing you can do is go no contact, at all! Block him completely and leave no room for any form of negotiation with him, it will never work. In terms of the flat you both lived in, can you not ask a police officer to escort you back to fetch your cat? Or talk to your landlord about the situation and that you’ve had to move out. Maybe there’s something they can do? I’m not sure what advice to give there but I’m sure other ladies on this site may know more than me. Don’t talk to him ever again. That’s what I’m currently trying to do. It is inbelievably hard, but it’s the only way we can recover and move on with our lives. They will never change, and if you keep allowing him back into your life, he will reduce you to a suicidal mess, and you deserve so much better than that. I really wish the best for you.. it’s so hard and I was bowled over as to how identical our situations are. If you want, you can message me anytime you feel you need some support of recognition, sometimes that in itself can help more that any of the other advice there is to offer. Hold on to your friends and family, don’t stop talking to them. If he hasn’t done anything wrong then why should he be so worried about what all your friends and family will think of him. It’s his way of isolating you even further. My ex does the same thing to me. I have no friends or close relationships with my family either, because it was easier not to, as he would always make an issue whenever anything came up that involved me seeing anyone other than him! Please stay strong! Don’t give in to him. You have to believe there is a whole other life out there that doesn’t involve him, and the more you discover that, the happier you will feel!

[SoundingElement]

Also, yellowdaisies – I did read your posts after you messaged and it is very scary how similar it is. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. The cat is the most difficult thing as we brought him 50/50 so I am not sure where I exactly stand on it, though obviously I would rather be the one to keep him and feel I would take better care of him. My landlord has been kind about it, but like I said now, I’d rather not stay 🙁

The worst thing is when you speak to your friends and family after leaving and they tell you how they never felt welcome around him and that they felt pushed away. It really hurt to hear how they thought I had changed, that I wasn’t as strong or happy as I used to be and that my opinions became a mirror of his. I hadn’t even realised I was doing this.

Thanks for your support – and honestly, please do message me too if you want to chat! I find it so helpful to compare situations and reassure myself that it wasn’t me and I wasn’t crazy like he told me I was. If you find it helpful talking too, just drop me a message :).

[SoundingElement]

Thanks for your response KIP. It’s reassuring – and I will phone the helpline after your advice. I think I’ve made my decision to just draw a line under the current place and just find a new place of my own somewhere where I feel safe despite the money it might cost or I might lose from him. I’m I stupid to feel drawn back to him? I keep thinking of the good times we had, but then hate myself for it as I know he treated me badly. I’ve cut him off by changing my number as you suggested so he can’t lie to me anymore. Why am I finding it so hard to cut him loose though when I know he won’t change? I have some more stuff to collect and put into storage whilst I sort myself out but hoping to go back when he is working and will ensure I am not alone in case he isn’t. Thanks again, it’s so awful reading what others have been though. I hope you have managed to get through your situation now and are safe too x

[Tiffany]

KIP is absolutely right. This was an abusive situation and you have done very well to leave it. Don’t go back alone and don’t meet him face to face unless you can absolutely not avoid it (I had to meet my abuser to get him to sign a form to take my name off our joint bank account). If you have to meet him do it in a public place and have people with you to support you. These men really are more dangerous just as you leave and punching holes in walls and restraining you are both already scary actions. You will be tempted to return. The temperstuous relationships that we have with abusers is addictive. Talk to your friends and family when this happens, and also start writing a list of abusive incidents which you can refer to when you are confused about how bad it actually was. Good luck.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. It took me a long time to break that urge to want to return. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if that normal is a violent dysfunctional relationship. It takes time and no contact but you will get there. We also have to grieve for the relationship, for our hopes and dreams and let go of what we thought we had x

[SoundingElement]

Wow I’d never heard of cycles of abuse, gas lighting or trauma bonding but the more I read the more familiar it all sounds! I think the incident list idea would really help too as ever re-reading my post reinforces that I really don’t ever want to go back. He’s texting my friends to apologise for his actions towards them and said he is going to get help, but they think it could be part of trying to convince me – so they’ve also blocked him. He said he was going to look at other places now too so has stopped refusing to leave, but I’m still a bit worried that he will know where I live so I think I’m going to also move too just to be safe. I’m hoping it will be over soon and that I don’t bump into him as we both work in the same town. Can’t believe how many people there are that go through this and worse, its just so sad. X

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with the others, it is abuse and sounds eerily like my ex from the cheating on me early on in the bed we shared to the lying, following me around rooms and not ‘accepting’ it when I ended things. My ex ended up being quite scary in the end and threatened me so be very careful as you are vulnerable at the moment.

I went 100% no contact and I highly recommend you do. Not accepting it is over and hounding you and your friends/family is actually harassment and can be reported to the police. Keep evidence, they issued my ex with a harassment warning which thankfully got him to stop.

Unfortunately you fell for someone who lacks empathy and sees you as an object, as most of us here did too. It is incredibly scary and painful to realise. Lay low on social media, block him on everything, keep all calls and texts as evidence (some phones will store blocked messages in the blocked folder which is useful to show the police) and stay somewhere you feel safe. Keep your cat close by too as he has threatened to take him, they will do anything to get us to break no contact and will stoop to terrible levels to do this.

Well done for recognising it, keep reading up on abuse and keep yourself safe.

[IrisAtwood]

Google trauma bonding. It took me a long time to break that urge to want to return. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if that normal is a violent dysfunctional relationship. It takes time and no contact but you will get there. We also have to grieve for the relationship, for our hopes and dreams and let go of what we thought we had x

I agree with this. I am going through it at the moment and am still finding it hard after several months. I am already thinking of him less frequently though and mostly with anger instead of regret. Eventually I know that will stop missing him and then it will be over completely.

[SoundingElement]

Thanks everyone. It’s really helpful to know I am not on my own and that others have experienced these emotions and got through it. I am going back tomorrow with my dad whilst I think he will be at work to grab my stuff and put it into storage. It also means I get to check on the cat, though I think regretfully I will have to leave him there for now as am having to go into a hotel temporarily nearer to work until I can find a permanent place of my own (I am looking (detail removed by Moderator)) so it isn’t practical. I’m also worried that taking the cat will infuriate him more and it scares me. I have spoken to my landlady and she did say that we can look to terminate the contract and take me on my own, but we would both had to sign it. He has now said to a friend that he will leave, but I don’t trust him – especially when tomorrow he may come home to find the flat emptied of my things. I feel that he will be in a volatile state after that and anyway, I don’t feel safe to stay there on my own anymore. Once I have a stable home, I am going to look at trying to get the cat back.

So far, there has been no more contact since I blocked him on social media and changed my number. I go through stages of being upset and wanting to talk to him and then reminding myself of the bad times and incidents that have happened – this seems to work as then I get angry at how he has behaved. I agree it is really scary to realise, you become so normalised to it I feel like I didn’t realise how bad it really was. I’m hoping once I know where I am going that there will be a little more light at the end of the tunnel and I can stop feeling so anxious. I’m a bit worried about feeling paranoid… even though I changed my number and know he doesn’t have it I still panicked and didn’t answer an unknown number earlier. It turned out to be the van hire people.

I am a bit worried about my financial situation after this as he still owes me money, but it looks like there is a lot of thoughts towards me likely not getting this back. So, I think I’m just going to take the hit to be safe. I’m also going to speak to work about my current circumstances, though am a bit worried about doing so, I go back (detail removed by Moderator).

Thanks everyone, this has really helped get me through a difficult time. I am just so sorry to hear parts of your stories too.

[KIP.]

Watch out for PTSD. I think you should speak to your GP about councelling. I felt fab for a couple of weeks after escaping then the awful aftershock hit me like a bus. When we are in an abusive relationship all our headspace is taken up in survivor mode. When we break free our brain has time to process the danger we were in and it can lead to flashbacks, nightmares, triggers etc. Just want you to be aware and take extra care of your mental health x

[SoundingElement]

Thanks KIP, today was hard but shifted most my stuff and he was at work so feel better about things. My cat wasn’t there! But the weirdest thing happened. He wasn’t expecting me today so I assumed I’d get an angry email from him as I left him a note of thing that needed sorting via email. I know everyone said 100% no contact but there were still things to sort like the cat, money and tenancy. Turns out he was as nice as pie and even complied with my requests? He even transferred the money! I was flabbergasted. I don’t understand? I was expecting the opposite. He said he is getting help for his anger issues – did any of you get this? The cat is apparently at his mums until we decide, so is safe. I really don’t understand if he is being civil and has accepted it or has other intentions. He still said he wants to meet up face to face to discuss things but is happy to do it in public. I’m not going to but I just find it so odd. X

[SunshineRainflower]

Be very careful, they are often like this after it ends because they know you will think ‘aw, he is so lovely, of course I’ll meet him, in fact maybe I was wrong about him’ then you get sucked back in. Sadly they have also been known to act like this to trick the woman to meet up before murdering her so please be very careful and don’t meet him anywhere alone or let him come round. Do things through a third party if possible or if not then accompanied. The more formal things are kept the better as it keeps you physically safe and safe from any manipulations and hoovering attempts too. If it was me I would arrange to get the cat with a friend (or get a friend to collect the cat, I am a huge animal lover so could never leave my cat!) then go 100% no contact, block him on everything and keep a record if he starts to harass/hoover you which is common with these types of men.

[Tiffany]

Mine went 100% reasonable for a short period after I left. I found it very confusing too. He reverted to character quite quickly though when he realised that he couldn’t sweet-talk me into returning. I hope you are one of the lucky ones whose abusers just give up on them after they leave. Mine actually left me alone after only 4 or 5 violations of no contact (with him contacting me and me not replying). But when I was tempted to return because it seemed like he was getting help and being reasonable I reminded myself of how hard it is to break behavioural patterns with specific people. We are more childish round our parents for example. Or even as simple as the languages you use where two people are bilingual. I lived abroad for a while and have a lot of friends whose mother tongue I speak as a second language and who speak English as their second language. Some of them I only speak English to. Others I only speak their mother tongue. And I find it almost impossible to speak the ‘wrong’ language with these friends. Even though we all speak both and could easily speak both. And if I can’t break an unconsciously formed habit of only speaking language 1 with friend A and English with friend B then how on earth could my not very motivated abusive ex learn how to stop his automatic reaction to stress, which was to hurt me! Sorry, that’s very long winded, but I hope you understand what I mean. More scientifically repeated actions cause strengthening of neuropathways. There is a pathway in your abusers head with runs straight from anger to ‘hurt soundingelement’ that’s going to be incredibly hard to divert even if he is dealing with his anger issues (and frankly the anger issues sound a lot more like abuse issues than anger ones. Less about lashing out and more about control if I read your story right). But I found that a convincing argument for staying no contact even when I was confused about whether it was abuse in my case. (It was abuse). Stay out and try and get custody of the cat. He doesn’t sound like a fit owner for it. Or indeed like he wants it for any reason except to control you.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi I’m not sure if I’m experiencing emotional abuse or a bad relationship but I’ve got bad anxiety and can’t stop thinking about if things are normal.

Mostly husband gets angry about mess, I’ve 5 kids 3 special need plus (detail removed by Moderator) under 5s I’m busy I tidy it gets messy but he keeps on and on and won’t lidten to my pleas as to why I’ve not got the tidiest house.

Kids are clean fed well cared for and very much loved.

But I’m so unhappy and he’s says things like I’m not right in the head or brings up the violent relationship I had before him and this is in front of kids, please is this normal?

[Author]

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