Is this financial abuse and belittling?

[Milly Molly]

Hi lovelies, I am new here. Was so relieved when I found this forum! Need to reach out for validation and support. My (detail removed by Moderator)yr relationship has been tarnished with periods of emotional and physical abuse. I have mostly kept this all a secret, but in the past yr it has got way worse, ever since I lost my fulltime job(I have always been the main earner). I found another job about (detail removed by Moderator)mths later which pays way less. When the company I work for urgently needed (detail removed by Moderator) they suggested the husband..as he was doing next to nothing I thought why not. That was a bad move! Part of my role requires (detail removed by Moderator) that I can do, but he took it upon himself to do this part for me. It started off okay as I thought it nice that he was helping me. Slowly this has turned into him telling me what to do, speaking harshly, making jokes and him always proving that he is better than me! I don’t know why! I don’t enjoy my job anymore, instead I get anxious and am always fighting off in my mind the horrid words and the way he lords over me. Dare we forget to do something!! Or he gets really angry and all he is interested in is its not his fault, even if partly it was.
He’s using his wages to invest (detail removed by Moderator) while I pay all the bills which Ive done for (detail removed by Moderator)yrs.(his name for ,rent,utilities food).
We can never discuss finances. I only hear all about HIS money going into investments and then he’s broke till next pay. (detail removed by Moderator) he asked if I had some money as he was buying (detail removed by Moderator) I said no as I need to pay rent (detail removed by Moderator). He however bought (detail removed by Moderator). On the drive home with an accussing voice- (detail removed by Moderator) I immediately get fearful as any talk like this turns out bad for me. He then said if he wasnt here putting all his money into investments how would I have any money for retirement. I suggested that if it was the other way round how would he have saved. Viciously he said he could pay the bills and still invest( his investing is over (detail removed by Moderator) of his wage), yet he was convinced he could cover the bills and the investing!
Then he launched an attack on me about how he does half my job (detail removed by Moderator)
He never saved before this, we lived pay to pay on my earnings. Now all of a sudden he’s the great invester (detail removed by Moderator). He threatens me all the time that its his money invested and by rights I shouldn’t get any of it! Sorry this is a long post!
I’m so exhausted from the continual put downs, invalidation etc and the sometimes physical threats or actual face slaps, being pushed to the ground and kicked while being called horrible names and made to feel like I’m nothing.im in the bedroom crying while writing this.Dare he see my tears as there is never an apology, he sees my tears (detail removed by Moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi MillyMolly,

Thank you for posting. I’m sorry to hear about your situation, this sounds really exhausting and oppressive to live with. You don’t deserve to be treated in this way, it sounds like he belittles you and the things that are important to you.

If you are concerned about the financial abuse you may want to contact the financial abuse support line. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm): https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/

You can contact a Support Worker from Women’s Aid via our live chat where you can chat in confidence about your situation. Support workers will not tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. For more information about the chat service please go to: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Hi MillyMolly,
It sounds like an exhausting situation that is wearing you down. I’m not sure on the extent of his abuse towards you but it sounds like there is no kindness or appreciation towards you at all.
His self esteem has risen from you helping him get a job in your company and it sounds like he is using it to build himself up and to beat you down. He is your partner. What is it he wants do you think? What would you like for yourself? It doesn’t sound like he will change. If there has been physical violence too, that is never okay. Call refuge/ Women’s aid to talk and perhaps start working towards your own private plans if it’s safe to stay. Saving a little cash or money, applying for new jobs etc. looking at new areas/ flats, possibilities. It might start to raise your self esteem and help give you a former idea what you’d like for yourself and make it clearer/ easier to split/ leave.
Xx

[Author]

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