11th November 2020 at 11:50 am #116251
When we moved in together I stupidly organised all the bills and put them in my name. If I hadn’t sorted them out it would never have been done though. I have to take all the meter readings and send them to companies else it just wouldnt happen.
Over the years I have regularly lent him money (for drugs, alcohol, general things he wants online, anything really).
He is financially dependent on his family who still pay for everything (rent, bills, they even buy him food if he wants, drinks at the pub, drugs(!!), things he wants to order etc). Even when he has worked in the past (he doesn’t now) they’ve still paid all bills and rent for him so he hasn’t had to cover that.
As all bills come out of my account every month and I lend money here and there (admittedly he hasn’t asked to loan anything for a while as he gets some benefits) it means I’m always owed money by him.
I’m always a bit nervous about asking as when we argue about money he says I’m stingy and forget about when his family pay (detail removed by moderator) which in the past has been a lot. He says (detail removed by moderator).
We never go to my parents for dinner or at all because he always says (detail removed by moderator) so I’ve given up trying to make that happen.
When it does come to me asking for the money he tells me I have to work out how much I’m owed (I always keep a record of it as he never does) and then I have to give him an amount to pass to his family to pay me back.
Even when he has got money for something he might tell me about something he’s going to buy with it with no concern about the bills or what I’m owed. That’s just what his family are there to pay for.
He’s not at all controlling with how I spend my money and if anything would encourage me to buy something I wanted. I’m sensible with my money and am conscious because I’m independent but am always told I’m a scrooge by him.
He will often throw it back in my face how he has paid for something the other day like food at the shop.
The worst part for me is being told I’m stingy and made to feel like some sort of sponger because of all the food/meals his parents have bought/paid for if we go there. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and if anything creates anxiety around money for me as I’m always owed it but always made to feel like I’m being money grabbing.
11th November 2020 at 1:14 pm #116254KIP.Participant
It’s using finances to abuse you. Making you feel anxious and accusing you of things that simply aren’t true. Where is his self respect? How dare he sponge off you and his family. It’s this entitled attitude and behaviour that’s so destructive. You’ve just got stuck in this role. It’s your money that you work hard for. If you don’t want to load him money then you should be able to say that without fear. Yes he will encourage you to spend your money, it’s less money in your bank account. Sounds like he’s twisting everything round like abuser do. Gaslighting. Imagine the roles reversed when you didn’t work. Sponged off your family and accused him of being money grabbing. It’s ridiculous delusional nonsense.
12th November 2020 at 12:47 am #116300
Thanks KIP, my friend said exactly the same.. where is his self respect just allowing everyone to pay for him? For some reason the financial abuse is something I’m not so ashamed of? I’ve told my friend about this but not about the physical elements or the really nasty verbal abuse.
You’re right, if the boot was on the other foot I highly doubt he would put up with me continuously loaning money, never paying it back then throwing insults in his face x
16th November 2020 at 12:39 pm #116415
Update: his parents asked how much they owe me. I told them and they paid. They obviously then spoke to him as he sent me a bombardment of nasty texts from the other room saying how his parents are now wiped out for Christmas.. how I’m the most tight f****d person he’s ever met, how he is going to start recording every single little thing that’s bought now and splitting the cost as he’s apparently been a bit ‘too generous’ lately with brushing certain costs aside, said he doesnt understand how its that much as though I’ve rounded the amount up, he cant stand me, doesnt even want to look at me, that I’m wasting his life, his parents know how unhappy I make him etc. Really nasty, nasty things. Then woke up the next day normal and bought dinner for us, I tried to offer half the money but he said no. I just dont understand it xx
16th November 2020 at 1:00 pm #116418KIP.Participant
He loves dumping all his c**p on you. He loves bombarding you with insults, it makes him feel good about himself. He loves destroying your self esteem and confidence and always will. It’s how he wants this relationship to be and always will. His insults don’t even make sense. You’re helping him out financially and he’s calling you mean. Don’t get caught up in the words just his nasty abusive behaviour. Try to understand that you could be the most perfect generous person ever and he will simply move the goal posts and keep abusing you. It’s simply what he does and he won’t change but you can x
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