Is this him controlling me? So confused

[Sunflowerrose]

Hi,I’m new to this,been married since (detail removed by moderator), have grown up children,in  (detail removed by moderator) I found out he was online to a woman on the other side of the world and he was going to leave to be with her,I took him back for sake of the kids,since then when he gets drunk he’s mentally abusive,about (detail removed by moderator) ago I found he joined dating sites and porn sites on his laptop and been chatting up other women,for months he’s been in one room I been in the other,he gets most of my money as he says he needs it,if he pays something for me he wants it back next time I got money,if I’m on the phone he’s got to be there,if I go out with friends he’s texting or calls,wants evidence I’ve been with them,I’m not aloud to chat to blokes or I get accused of cheating,he goes out I can’t,he will only take me or kids out somewhere on his terms,I might of missed some stuff out on here,what would you call this? Abuse? Mental abuse? I dunno.

[diymum@1]

hi there this sounds all too familiar to me.
So from what you’ve described and you could google these terms you will sit up in your seat! – so he is making it know hes chatting up other women without hiding it? this is called triangulation. He has an entitled attitude he thinks he owns you by the sounds off it. he has a superior attitude because he can do what you cant – your basically seen as inferior in his eyes. double standards stand out too which is a hall mark off abuse. This is manipulation and emotional /financial abuse xxxx

[Sunflowerrose]

I only found out as I looked at his history on his laptop while he was out,otherwise I would not of found out,I’ve now got rid of the laptop but I’m sure he’s using his phone,he’s in one room all the time I’m in the other,his excuse for this is the dogs sit on the sofa so he has no room or he says I don’t watch same stuff as him,if I’m on the phone while he’s there he will talk loud in background and constantly ask whom I’m talking to,if I don’t say he has a face on,if I have appointments I got to tell him who with or yet another face on,only thing he does here is cooking other than that he’s in other room with tv and mobile,my three oldest still live with me and two which are (detail removed by moderator) if I question him I get a argument

[Worrywart]

hi Sunflowerrose, yes it is manipulation, emotional and financial abuse, my ex was like yours, i found out by looking through his history, emails ect.. (he got rid of his laptop because he had an idea that i was going through it) he would also sit upstairs, he also had his mobile with him and when i used to pop upstairs he would quickly put down his mobile or slide it under my pillow to hide it … i was also down stairs with my children, all the time, making out that i didn’t like the same tv programmes he did ect… every time my land line phone rang he would listen in by picking up the phone upstairs, also he would check to see who my last caller(s) was too, if i had appointments with dr’s or anything he would insist on taking me, he would also accuse me of cheating and talking to other men which was not true …he was accusing me of the same things he was doing.

[Sunflowerrose]

Thank you,I thought it was me just imagining these things,he also hides the mobile hes also changing all his passwords to everything often,I hardly leave the house now,don’t bother with any one either

[Worrywart]

you are most definitely not imaging things, it took me a while to figure out the stuff my ex was doing to me, he must have taken lessons from my ex because he changed all his passwords often as well, esp when he realised i was on to him, i suffer with anxiety (always have and he new this from the start of our relationship) he used it against me in the end …he would take me out in his car and when we was miles away from home he would cause an argument about something stupid/insignificant and if i answered him back to defend myself, he would tell me to get the hell out of his car, i would panic and he would laugh at me and say ‘i didn’t mean it’ so then i would feel scared and vulnerable, basically he had me exactly where he wanted me, i didn’t go out much after that and when i had to go out i would have to have someone with me, my daughter mainly as i couldn’t go anywhere on my own …that’s how manipulated i was when i was with him, i left him a few weeks ago, this time for good, i’m in no contact and plan to stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Hi Sunflowerrose,
Im sorry that you are going through this kind of thing. Sadly most of us have been through the exact same thing. Someone once said that it seems as though abusive men read from the same manual as a child so they grow up to be virtually identically in many ways.

I was in your shoes three years ago and whilst I am not out yet I am closer then ever.

If I could offer advice it would be this – educate yourself on domestic abuse. Read anything you can find on the internet, borrow library books, watch videos on youtube. I did this and it helped me to realise that this isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve it. Come on here and talk to people who have been in the same position and who can relate to the pain and confusion you feel. Lastly – don’t be afraid to call the helpline if it is safe to do so, they can help you make plans to move forward should you decide that is what you want. Something I have found is that going through all of this is similar to the stages of grief – there are many different layers and emotions that you have to feel to be able to move forward and very rarely does it happen overnight.

I hope I haven’t bombarded you?

Hugs TTMO x

[Sunflowerrose]

Thank you everyone for your messages,much appreciated

[Author]

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