Is this him moving the goalposts?

[gettingtired]

He has been doing a lot of his long, drawn out speeches and lectures about all of his issues and how I don’t ever help or support him or show any compassion.

I tried suggesting ways to help and suggested therapy for coping mechanisms etc. Tried to reassure him. The problem is despite this he still practically walked off in a huff.
So I’m acccused of not helping but when I do try to help that’s not good enough either. I have felt this for years in the relationship. That nothing I said or suggested was ever enough or never seemed to help him. I was so confused and blamed myself thinking it must be true when he says I’m not supportive because nothing ever works. I really did try to help but it was never good enough. He always helped me with my issues and was a great source of comfort so I just couldn’t understand why it didn’t work when I tried to be that for him.

Is this an example of him just moving the goalposts so that I can’t ever win? So that I’m always left feeling like a failure to him and will forever be on a doomed quest to support him?

This is what I’m guessing it is but I wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

I also want to mention that during his sob story, he sort of cried but tears barely came out. Is this another fake show? Thinking about it, his displays of crying in the past haven’t always produced tears but he’s sort of done the upset cry/voice that you do when you’re crying. Do some people just not produce tears? I know that’s a ridiculous question to ask but I’m starting to wonder if he is more dangerous and calculated than I ever imagined before.

[gettingtired]

Lol I can’t believe I asked do some people not produce tears. I guess I’m testing the waters.

Just to add the only reason I’m showing him support now is because I’m just going along with things for now after a bad incident. It’s not a good idea to cross him and I’m not making the same mistake of calling him out on his abuse. Until I get out I have to put on a front. I know this is not necessarily a great gameplan but it’s all I can think is the safest/easiest for my mental health option. If that makes any sense.

[KIP.]

Nothing you do or suggest, nothing you change about yourself, no amount of talking or reassurance will ever ever stop him abusing you. Yes he simply changes the goal posts. You could be the most perfect supportive partner in the world and he would simply abuse you over that or invent a problem to abuse you over. By going along with him, to appease him, simple passes the time until his next outburst. It achieves nothing but temporary peace which you them become addicted to achieving and round and round you go. Mental health suffering because you cannot express yourself. How many years have you been trying different tactics to appease him. The abuse hasn’t stopped because he enjoys it and it works. It keeps you there bonded to him, attached to him for validation and mental peace. The reality is he’s shoving you off a cliff every time then playing at rescuing you x

[gettingtired]

Thank you, I know you’re right with everything you’ve said. I am becoming more and more aware of what’s going on but I’m still feeling trapped at an emotional level. Hope you’re ok x*x

[KIP.]

Eventually I set up a plan to do something that I knew was perfectly ok to do, a very simple refusal that anyone could do in a normal relationship without any problems. So this thing I did was to clarify in my mind just how bad things really were. So I simply said no and watched the response and it really opened my eyes to the total dysfunction and crazy making behaviour. I did it from a place of clarity but it was a pivotal moment for me. Is there anything in your mind that would prove to you that he’s abusing you and he simply doesn’t care. Anything that can turn that switch on?

[gettingtired]

I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said. I’m not really sure. I know he’s abusing me but I’m just not sure how to force myself into action. I know I’m starting to feel more anxious now about when the next bl*w up might be. Especially after him threatening to call the police. I think the thought of actually flipping my life upside down is scary and the aftermath. This forum is fantastic but I won’t lie, some of the other ladies stories of severe anxiety, CPTSD, panic attacks, nightmares, depression etc sometimes lasting years after really frightens me. I’m scared I won’t be able to work or function or anything and want to be sure I won’t go back.

[KIP.]

How about selling him a trial separation? Tell him you’re still a couple but would like to live apart and ‘repair’ your relationship. Get yourself out physically and see how you feel. Your mental health is taking a pummelling at the moment. And it will get worse. You can start unhooking the hooks in your mind one by one. It only feels safe where you are because it feels familiar. You sound really strong. In a good place that you recognise you’re being abused. Try thinking how great it would be to live a peaceful life where no one harms you and deliberately stunts your growth. Think what you could achieve x

[gettingtired]

Thank you but I don’t feel strong at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I do daydream about being out everyday but also feel stressed about the leaving part and making it final to never see him again. There was an incident a couple of years ago where I think he kept threatening for me to move out so my friend told me to call his bluff and just go home for a week and not contact him or say anything. Stupid of me to listen to someone else really who didn’t know the full story and who didn’t really understand anyway. I remember the lovebombing messages (which made me felt relief) and all the desperate calls and messages I had. I need to get to a place where I’ve had enough, can accept the nice parts are not real and there’s a chance to leave. Just wish it wasn’t so hard x

[Hawthorn]

Oh GT, no judgement here for doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself feel safe in this awful situation. And it is awful, like a nightmare you cant wake up from. Remember his words mean nothing. It’s all just word salad and lies to confuse and manipulate the focus back onto you and away from his dreadful abuse.

In the last few days he has threatened your pet, weaponized your childhood trauma against you and gaslighted you about your mental health with his talk of sectioning. And yet he has managed to twist this story to you somehow being to blame for not supporting him enough? It’s all lies calculated (you are absolutely right about this) to destroy your self-esteem so you dont have the confidence to leave. The reality is he doesnt support you or help you cope, he is a actively and deliberately trying to break you. As KIP rightly says; throwing you off a cliff so he can rescue you.

Nothing you ever do or say will be good enough because he doesnt want it to be. He wants you to fail so that he can pretend to be the victim. He will keep moving the goalposts no matter what you do. He is no victim but a nasty abuser. You are the victim here. Every time the wheel of abuse turns it crushes another piece of our spirit.

Virtual support here is of course much better than nothing, but it’s no substitute for real life support from those who know and love you. Abuse thrives in the darkness of silence. Shine a light on it. Tell your family. They love you and will support you. Keep posting here too, we are all here for you but a virtual hug is no substitute for real one.

Sending a big virtual hug anyway xx

[gettingtired]

As always thank you so much for your support 💖

[Hawthorn]

I had a thought, if telling your family seems to much right now, and that’s totally understandable, could you maybe put some things in a bin bag and leave it at their house? Tell you abuser you’re sorting things for the charity shop and tell your family you’re short on storage in your flat and if they could put some bits and pieces in the attic for you? Even old or fancy clothes you’re not wearing anymore because of the lockdowns.
A baby step forward to empower you and make you feel less trapped. It’s a psychological trap that he has caught you in remember, the prison walls are in your mind. It is not easy to escape but small actions can start breaking down the bars xx

[Anonymous]

Hello gettingtired

I just wanted to reach out to show some support.

I’m not sure I can offer as good advice as some of the responses above but I think abusers will always move the goalposts and it’s not possible to meet their impossible demands.

I think it’s really positive that you’re questioning these things you see in his behaviour and that you’re reaching out on this forum to get perspectives other than the one he tells you

Take care and best wishes xx

[gettingtired]

Yes I’ve questioned his perspective for a long time before I joined this forum but it was always to myself. That didn’t work out too well as I didn’t understand what was going on so chose to try and believe the nice version of him rathee than listen to my gut instinct. Thank you for your support 💞 x

[ISOPeace]

Your questions and comments make total sense to anyone who’s been in a similar position.

Abusers have goal posts on legs, no make that wings! You are not the cause of his problems so you are also not the solution. However, because he wants you to be responsible and to fix them he has totally unrealistic expectations. No amount of support would be enough because you can’t solve his problems for him and while he’s blaming you he isn’t taking responsibility for them.

It’s taken me a long time to fully accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough for my husband. We’ve all been juggling umbrellas to try to stop the boat filling with rain water, but the real problem was the hole in the bottom letting water in that we couldn’t see because we were manipulated and threatened into looking the wrong way. Take small steps putting the umbrellas down one at a time and one day you’ll be ready to jump ship and leave him to deal with the hole, after all it was his all along. Sorry, i get a bit carried away with analogies.

The fact that you’re asking these questions shows you’re coming out of the blindness that abuse causes. If you need to put on a front to stay safe while you plan your exit then do it. Stay strong, you can do this! Xxxx

[gettingtired]

That’s a fantastic analogy! It’s great because it creates a bit of a visual and helps keep a positive outlook. Thank you very much x*x

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

GettingTired, this is all very familiar to me. The scrunched up face of a crying little boy. rarely any real tears. It took me a while to really appreciate how manipulative it really is. Scary really. I feel you! xxxxx

[gettingtired]

Wow, it’s crazy isn’t it? It only just occurred to me during that last episode that maybe it is just a fake display. It sounds ridiculous questioning whether everyone produces tears when they cry but I just realised that the majority of the times he’s cried in the past, there hasn’t actually been any physical tears. 🤯 Hope you’re doing ok x*x

[Poets corner]

Hi I just posted my own thread on the forum, then read your post and it was scarily like reading about my own husband, he’s been doing exactly the same thing for years to me! No matter what I say, I’m never supportive enough. He also does the crying without tears thing. It never actually occurred to me this is an actual tactic!
Sorry I don’t have any advice as I find it really hard to deal with. But just wanted to say that you’re not alone, so we can’t be imagining it. Hugs

[gettingtired]

Hey, I don’t know about you but I’ve spent a long time wondering what it was I was doing wrong for him to regularly accuse me of not being supportive. Or how I’m apparently so selfish according to him. I would ask him how he would like me to be more supportive about one of his ‘issues’ and he then further blamed me by saying that he shouldn’t have to be telling me how to support him! So I can’t ever win.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the same thing. Thank goodness we have recognised it now though and can stop searching for a never ending non existant answer! Hope you’re ok x*x

[Poets corner]

Hi I hope you’re ok too. Sorry you are going through this. ‘Forever on a doomed quest to support him’, that comment of yours really rang true with me! Nothing you say will be good enough. I’ve suggested counselling to mine as well. He says he doesn’t need it! Yes I think your partner is moving the goalposts. Take care and keep posting on here if it helps x

[gettingtired]

From what I’ve read in Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (excellent book to help understand abuse if you haven’t read it) and How he gets into her head by Don Hennessy, counselling doesn’t help abusers (in stopping the abuse) and can actually make them worse. They need to enrol on an abusers programme and work on that for at least a year. Hence why the majority will never change. Mine did try counselling but just complained about the person. Thank you, hope your weekend’s going ok x*x

[Daredevil]

Hi, I thought that is was me not being supportive but in the back of my mind I did feel like he was moving the goal post too! Nothing I did was right! If I reached the goal post he would move it! I had no chance in winning! Ever! I’m scared.. I feel all alone.. I just don’t know what to do anymore??

[gettingtired]

I felt the same as you. I think a lot of people on this forum can relate. It never felt right that I could never really console him no matter what I said or did. Are you ok? x

[Scapegoat]

Hey GT they are such great actors are t they and of course it’s all about them. Mine regularly tells me how he’s stayed up all night sobbing as he just doesn’t know what he is going to do (I don’t believe him anymore – is more likely to be sat up watching porn!) of course any support you offer will be wrong and if you don’t that will be wrong -as nobody is a knowledgeable as them. You won’t ever satisfy/please him as the goal posts further every time .It’s just part is their sick, twisted games. I can see all of this so clearly now but unfortunately like you I cannot make the move to leave even though now I know 100% that I don’t love him, I can’t live with him and all of his s**t just p****s me off!

Like you I am worried about the consequences and repercussions but I know that it’s never going to work ( hasn’t in almost (detail removed by Moderator) so why the hell would it now) I’m hoping as I’m no longer in doubt about the fact it could ever work that one day I will just the find the right answer. Stay strong, keep reading, believe in you 💕

[gettingtired]

He says he’s been up all night sobbing – sorry but this made me laugh 😂 It reminded me of how my partner has said before a few times how he’s been ‘crying all day’ whilst I was out at work..!
Who even says that?
Thank you, I think we will both get out eventually. I’m just not sure how or when I will yet x*x

[Camel]

He isn’t moving the goal posts – he’s making YOU move the goal posts. He accuses you of not caring enough, not being compassionate enough or understanding enough. It doesn’t really matter what he accuses you of, it’s how you react to the accusations that matters. You question yourself. You feel really bad for not doing enough and cast around for new things to suggest. You’re so busy defending yourself there’s no mental space left to ask why he’s so g*****n needy! Sobbing all night isn’t normal behaviour, even after a bit of a tiff. It’s also unlikely to be true but saying so won’t help you. (Detail removed by moderator)

[Camel]

My abuser would tell me I was no good at relationships, I didn’t understand his feelings, he didn’t trust me because his ex had cheated on him. But the absolute corker? He was emotional (a good thing obviously) and I was rational (bad, of course)!! I gave up trying to explain they’re not opposites. Instead I spent all my energy on trying to understand him (pointless), working hard at the relationship (pointless) and being so good that he’d never doubt me (pointless).

[Author]

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