Is this just a bump in the road?

[Turnthelighsoff]

Hello,
If been pointed in this direction by a few people who i hold close to me so i figured if i write everything down somebody may be able to advise me on what’s going on? Iv been married (detail removed by moderator) and have two young children.
We live on a business address – there are cameras everywhere and his family is close. I moved here just after meeting him and my family are at the other side of the country.

Basically, iv become to realise he isn’t a very kind person. For years i was told her pays rent here to find out he doesn’t. I pay for everything,food, my car, petrol, kids clubs uniforms shoes etc. if i ask him to even get bread/milk from the shop i normally have to send him money. He doesn’t really contribute but pays for holidays – which i have no input in looking for but im told to be grateful for.

Iv had to fit my job around business hours, doing nights up until recently as i had no help with the school run. But i have persuaded him to at least do drop offs on a morning which now means i can return to day work. I have no help in the holidays either. If the kids are ill its on me to take time off and look after them (which is unpaid). I can’t say anything because i get told im ungrateful.

He plays sports -(detail removed by moderator). Comes in and sleeps on the sofa. (detail removed by moderator) and he actually spends more time there than he does in work sometimes i swear. We had chats about how its too much before but it just ends up with me being told (detail removed by moderator).

Recently it all has got too much for me – i blew up with him said im lonely and its hard. We have no sex life and no affection – or for a day then completely cold for the next few weeks. I tried to implement boundaries with the way he speaks to me. To be told my feelings aren’t valid and he will do what he d**n well wants. He told me(not for the first time) that I obviously need to go seek help for my moods as he shouldn’t have to live like this. It’s got me questioning since – i am really that bad? Is it me? How can i change it? (detail removed by moderator) We didn’t even manage a day and everything is back to normal.

An recent example of what its like here – After his weekend of (detail removed by moderator) and sleeping on the sofa, I didn’t sleep at over the weekend. I have an (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve been struggling with my back and periods so didn’t get to sleep until 3. Alarm went for work at six – he shouted at me for it and i burst into tears and said im exhausted its all too much today. (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t, i ended up buying chip shop which I can’t afford putting them to bed whilst he sat on the sofa with his headphones in. I asked him if he was okay and he said ‘ I don’t wanna talk to you’ i asked why and he said (shouted) (detail removed by moderator). So i sorted the kids once again, put them to bed and loved my babies and once again didn’t get to sleep until 2 as i was so wounds up. This morning, he was up didn’t say a word other than ‘come here’ and cuddled me. I told him i had to sort the pack ups and he goes (detail removed by moderator) I literally didn’t say anything to him about yesterday.

I’m in a position where i just can’t say anything anymore so I don’t. I have phoned in sick at work today as im just feeling defeated and quite frankly exhausted. Everything here was built by his family and i have no money if i decide to go. The council wont help me as im intentionally making myself homeless. He told me years ago (detail removed by moderator) he apologised straight away but my head can’t help but worry if i do decide to go.

I guess im just lost. I could go on for ages so thank you if you have made it this far. It probably seems really mediocre compared to lots of what goes on on here. Before i met my husband i was myself in a physically abusive and controlling relationship. This is nowhere near as bad as that in comparison which makes me think this could just be a bump in the road?

[Wants To Help]

Hi turnthelighsoff,

I’m glad you have reached out on here, you will get lots of support and guidance.

This is not a ‘bump in the road’ at all. It reads to me that you have spent many years with a man who has lied to you from the start about finances and someone who you have never been truly in an equal and honest relationship with. He is clearly not showing you any kindness or support at the moment and if the relationship has become unhappy and unbearable for both of you he is putting all of the blame for this on you. A clear sign of this is that when you try to have a conversation to discuss your feelings and ask for help he responds with something to fuel the situation and prolong it rather than a problem solving approach.

Abuse can be emotional and psychological, and this can also be caused unintentionally as well as intentionally. Neglect can also be a form of abuse. Your husband is abandoning you to pursue his own life/hobbies/interests. This type of abuse is not a criminal element of abuse, but the impact it has on you is causing you emotional and mental stress. He is fobbing you off with lies about how he will make changes which gives you some temporary hope, and then he doesn’t stick to it and this brings back the emotional pain and distress twice as hard. You are financially struggling too but he is not helping with this. Do you have access to the finances at all? Do you know what the finances are or does he deliberately keep this from you?

Do you think he could be having an affair? His regular absences from the house and then coming back and sleeping on the sofa does sound suspicious to me, especially when you say you have no sex life.
If he is living a double life and using you as a nanny to look after ‘his’ children then he is having his cake and eating it because for him, nothing needs to change. He’s not having to give the house up, not having to give the business up or relocate it, he doesn’t have to give the kids up, he can see them when it suits him, spend time with them when it suits him, and then do what he wants when it suits him – he doesn’t have to consider your needs at all.

This is no healthy life for you, it is destroying you slowly and making you feel ‘less than’ what you are absolutely worth. These abusers chip away at our confidence, self esteem, appearance, self worth; they really make us doubt ourselves and what we are capable of. YOU are a very capable lady who can clearly handle a busy and hectic life with running a home, a business and looking after children. Your illness and lack of sleep may actually be a direct result of the stress you are living in. You deserve so much more than what this man is giving you – you deserve to be treated better.

Be honest with yourself about whether you want this marriage to continue and if you don’t, secretly explore ways out of it. It sounds as if you have a close support network who are concerned for you and they me be able to help you too. Your situation isn’t mediocre at all, it’s having a real impact on your physical and mental health. As you are married you will have some financial rights, it may be worth speaking to a solicitor and asking for a free half hour appointment to see what your rights are if you apply for a divorce.

xx

[Turnthelighsoff]

Hi Wants To Help,

Thank you for your response. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I think he is too lazy to have an affair, he has an addictive personality so anything he sets his mind to he does in excess. It’s happened before with (detail removed by moderator) Iv supported him through the other two before but this time around I just don’t have any energy left and when I raise it I get told it’s not really up for discussion. He tells me I could get a hobby as I obviously need one and (detail removed by moderator) – but I’d have to fit it around everything else. (detail removed by moderator)

Iv raised how I’m feeling with him before to be told he doesn’t see any unhappiness in our marriage and it’s just me so I must go get help. His mother has recently laid it on really thick about how bad for the children relationships breakdowns are and she thinks it’s selfish for people to leave. It makes me think she can see what’s going on too.

Unfortunately in regards to finances it’s only recently Iv found out how much he gets paid. They have always been separate. We don’t own any property etc and to be honest I don’t want anything from him other than my peace at this point as I feel like my head is spinning all the time. I just then tell myself it’s just me and I need to work on it but I don’t know how to.

The house is a dive today and I’m trying to sort it out but I’m feeling so overwhelmed. I don’t know at what point I let things get to this without realising.

Thank you for listening.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, you must be overwhelmed, it sounds like you are doing nearly everything except a few times when your husband comes to the rescue and expects you to be grateful. Reading your post, your husband is a classic abuser and you’re not to blame for his behaviour, he is totally responsible.

I agree, the drip drip of mental abuse is very hard to notice within a marriage, I was married for decades to my abusive husband…. he was so controlling, financially, emotionally, he would manipulate, act intimidating but didn’t hit me… I realised how unhappy I was, I stopped thinking about him and how he seemed.or how I could make it better between us.

Get us much support as possible and keep posting ❤ you’re in the right place xx

[Turnthelighsoff]

Hello.
I need to put this down because I feel like I’m going insane today.

After this (detail removed by Moderator) and him stomping his way round the last (detail removed by Moderator) I spoke to him (detail removed by Moderator) and asked him if everything was okay and if he needed my to do anything. He told me he was (detail removed by Moderator). I blew up with him and explained my feelings about the last (detail removed by Moderator) the best I could. He left to go back to work without a word then messaged me (detail removed by Moderator) but still was saying it was me that has (detail removed by Moderator). I told him just to leave it and I didn’t have the energy as it was turning into another argument.
He then came home and was so cuddly and just followed me round. Probably the most Iv seen of him since (detail removed by Moderator). Now I’m back to (detail removed by Moderator) this morning when I was literally just stood making a cup of tea. I’m so confused.

[Bananaboat]

Hello, if you have time I’d highly recommend reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, can find free pdf copies online or buy a copy. I was living similar to you with bills, childcare, coldness, then sudden niceness, unable to mention anything without someone blowing up and it’s not right. It’s exhausting as you’ve finding. You say the council won’t help you but have you asked them? They have a duty to support domestic abuse victims often via the homeless process even if you’re still in the same property so worth finding out. The fact you’re asking if you’re the one is the wrong is a very strong sign that you’re not, as abusers don’t ask that and they don’t change. You’ll find lots of help here xx

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