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can a woman that has been lied to and about for a number of years, sexually pushed, almost imagine further abuse happening? like if an abuser gets away with past abuse? I know gaslighting makes you feel that way but can the victim feel there are risks because her abuser got away with the things he did do?
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Hi Savingthestars,
Do you mean being concerned about someone with a history of emotional abuse, going on to behave abusively in the future?
We know that it is very rare for abusers to change, and that abusers will go on to treat their next partner in a similar way to their previous partner. It’s very common for abusers to ‘get away’ with their behaviour unfortunately, and it this fact is often used to convince the survivor not to reach out for support again, or that she will not be believed.
The fact that an abuser has not experienced any ‘consequences’ for the abuse, does not mean that the abuse was justified or that it was not serious. Repeat abusers are the reason why resources such as Clare’s Law were created, as an attempt to safeguard women who may be targeted by abusers in the future.
Please do keep posting and let us know how you’re doing.
Lisa
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he has abused me, and any event that doesnt add up I am thinking that it must be abuse, whether it be against my kids or me. I am just wondering if its in my head, because professionals seem to agree with him when he basically says i am psychosed. Now, I am finding myself to have to reason with him, not that its possible, and accept that I can do nothing. it just amazed me that a person can say the victim is spreading rumours, and makes it an okay thing for the guy to basically take their mind, their kids, their life over and people to think whatever he says is true. I am just not sure if I should accept such behaviour and bow to it, almost ignore it. Or carry on the way I have, even though everybody ignores me or listens to him.
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Abuse causes lots of confusion. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time. Abusers are master manipulators. I have heard that they are sometimes able to manipulate professionals too. They certainly are able to manipulate lots of people. You’ll read other posts here with people saying “everyone else thinks he’s really kind and a great guy”.
I have a friend who had an abusive husband who managed to manipulate their couple counselling so that my friend looked like she had the issues. In reality he lied and twisted things but stayed calm and when my friend lost it the counsellor took his side.
Have you been directly involved with these professionals? My husband says professionals have said I have various mental health problems but I’m sure he’s twisting their words because it would be hugely unprofessional for somebody who hasn’t met you to give any kind of diagnosis based on hearsay. Actually I think Lundy Bancroft talks about abusers manipulating professionals in his book “Why does he do that”. I’d recommend reading it to better understand abuse. You can find it free online.
Abuse is never ok even if other people seem to be siding with him. Get in touch with people who understand abuse like women’s aid and the national domestic abuse helpline. You’re not alone. Keep posting here for support. Sending love xxxx
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Perhaps visiting your GP for a chat might help to clarify things for you. If you’re suffering from psychosis, they will soon know. Many women have been diagnosed as being mentally ill by their abusive partners. If he has abused you in the past then he will still be abusing you now. They don’t just stop and making you, and others, believe that you are mentally ill when you are not is a great way to keep you confused and abused.
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those comments do make sense.
Any professionals involved takes his view… as in everyone and it is annoying. I know part of the reason is because there is a tiny bit of honesty in what he says… to back up the bull. People seem to think I am paranoid because of my own childhood abuse, and so he is “supportive”. I am currently in therapy, and working through stuff and I feel like I am on two tables. One is saying he is a gaslighter, that makes him untrustworthy, capable of basically anything. So him saying I am making stuff up against him, and that all he wants is the best outcomes, is part of his manipulation. but the other is telling me to let go of my negative behaviour towards him, because I have no solid evidence because he hasnt said he is doing this to punish (because you know, murderers just admit to murdering people dont they ) I should keep my mouth shut and not explain gaslighting to professionals/say where they are wrong because that is just their pov, and so let it go and be your best self regardless.
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I think you should continue to trust your instinct,
If things don’t add up ,you’re bound to be wary and question what’s going on , especially with matters regarding your children and the fact that he has lied and abused you, and not admitted to that and shown remorse by the sound of it, you are well justified not to just trust him or what he says.
Have you got support from your local d.v/ women’s aid team?
X x x -
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Try keeping a journal, there are some online ones.
Mine was sent to a trained professional because he was accused of (detail removed by moderator) but nobody could quite pinpoint what he was doing. He came home bragging he had (detail removed by moderator) to try to catch him out. He was really smug and pleased. I saw the report, he really did s(detail removed by moderator).
He denies that now though as I have brought it up. Claims he didn’t manipulate the situation at all.
I also think because of the way that they mangle our heads it leaves us flustered and unsure.
Stick with it, I’m sure it’s distressing especially as kids are involved. Xx -
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Keeping a journal of events is a really good idea. As is secretly recording conversations/arguments. Then you can look back over and listen back. After the event it is easier to see the twists and turns. You also can prove up yourself that he said things that he later denies saying. It was an eye opener for me. He did say and do the things I thought he said and did. They were there, dated, written in black and white and digitally recorded on a voice recorder that looked just like a memory stick. The unexpected upside of that is that I now have a recording of him admitting to serious assault and coercive control which I will, one day, take to the police. He later denied the assault and coercive control. He denied that he’d ever admitted to them. But I have it, digitally recorded and safely back up in 3 secure places. That’s how I know I didn’t imagine it all. I should say at this point that I had almost convinced myself that I had dreamt the assaults. He had me so certain that they never really happened.
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