Is this normal?

[Scarecrow]

Hi ladies,
I hope everyone is as well as can be expected.

I am in a situation where i no longer trust my gut – which is not a good place to be. Whenever something goes wrong, or feels wrong, with my relationship i almost feel like i need to talk to others within this community for some sort of validation. This is in itself isnt right, but i dont know how to stop it. I am on the waiting list for some therapy, which i am hoping will help.

Many things have happened within this relationship that have been potential red flags, but i struggle with the idea of ending things because i am a self-confessed people pleaser and i dont know how to stop being one!

The thing that is bothering me at the moment is hard to explain, but i will try. If i fall asleep without saying goodnight, for example, he has to make a point of mentioning it the next day. Something along the lines of (detail removed by Moderator), or (detail removed by Moderator). One time this week he asked me no less than (detail removed by Moderator) times if i was working from home that day (we sometimes meet for lunch when i am at work). I got distracted replying about something else the first time i replied, then decided i wanted to see if he would keep on until i responded, which he did. I dont like playing games but was interested to see what he would do if i ignored the question. When i told him i was working in the office and why did he keep asking me, he said it was because (detail removed by Moderator).

It really does sound like nothing, but i have been in a controlling relationship previously, for a very long time, and i am not going down that road again!

Any advise welcomed,

(detail removed by Moderator)

[Lisa]

Hello Scarecrow,

I just wanted to offer some support on your post – I imagine this questioning and doubting yourself can sometimes be really confusing.

Abusers will often find something to accuse us of doing wrong. Their reaction to something that we might consider insignificant can make us doubt our own version of events and encourages guilt and doubt in our minds.
This is psychological abuse, as over time, it creates a feeling of walking on eggshells as there is an unpredictability in what will come next. We are then on high alert for any ‘consequences’ and begin to change or moderate our behaviour in order to pacify or ‘keep the peace’ within the relationship.

You should not be made to feel guilty like this and the constant bombardment with messages and questioning is not okay. It doesn’t sound like nothing, your concerns are completely legitimate.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Sunsplashlass]

Hi there

Firstly I want to say I’m so sorry you have to deal with this I find it hard that’s all these women you are amazing and strong have had to cope with beyond imaginable things.
I understand when you say about little things they bring up my ex would store them up and then like an emotional punch bag he would say one thing after another little things and wouldn’t stop going on to the point he says he isn’t bothered but I could never call him out on his behaviour because what you would do is simply say there’s nothing more to say I don’t want to talk about it anymore!!

I also understand about you saying you are a people pleaser? I found it so hard to get out of my hell that I used to dream about going and by the next day he would say sorry and be nice for a while and I would give him another chance.

If I didn’t say I love you or if I didn’t put X at the end of my messages something so minor it would escalate to be huge for him.

Sweetheart I could go on for hours the only thing I didn’t have was anyone to talk to I was taken away from everything scared to use any form of contact for help.

You have us and if you would like to talk to me please put me in message don’t suffer alone and don’t think a little thing it’s not worth sharing I am pleased that you shared and hopefully we can help each other 🙂

[gettingtired]

Yes I get the constant bombardment of nasty messages and phone calls if I don’t respond or if he’s in a particularly bad mood. I don’t know how to stop people-pleasing either. I’m too scared to leave him at the moment because of how bad I know the aftermath will be. I hope you manage to get some therapy soon as I’m sure that will help you to connect with your gut instinct on things again x

[Scarecrow]

Good Morning everyone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

I think that I worry that I am making more of things then I should and that I require Validation from other survivors. This is sadly not my first rodeo with a possibly abusive man.

If I were to sit down and put it all together I think that it would scare me, so I think I have the blinkers on at the moment.

Please take care of yourselves and stay safe.

Lots of love

Scarecrow x

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