Is this normal?

[Hereforclarity]

OK it’s the first time I’ve posted here for a while.

I’m feeling a bit embarrassed about the reasons I’m feeling triggered and feel a bit all over the place. It’s been a while since I left my abusive Ex and I’m not finding things very easy. It might all be a bit soon but I’ve started dating again and I’m feeling a lot of anxiety after going through all of the abuse with my ex.

I’ve met someone who seems really lovely, kind, attractive and together (It’s very early days so I’m not jumping in head first and trying to be mindful that I may not be ready). More than anything though I’ve been finding that I’m convincing myself that he just isn’t really into me… I haven’t got much evidence of this when I think rationally. He wants to see me every week, introduced me to his friends and tells me consistently he likes spending time with me. Despite this I have my Ex’s voice rattling around my head of how much he made me feel like I was never good enough for him. According to my ex I wasn’t his dream girl and he wasn’t proud to walk around with me. HE also kept me away from his friends on the most part and took years to commit after being on the hot & cold roller coaster. My ex also triangulated me with his ex-girlfriends very early on in our relationship and compared me to them and I ended up feeling so awful about myself. They had quite public careers and it was easy to see/come across them which didn’t help. I always thought “why would he be interested in me?” at the beginning and years later in the relationship couldn’t shift it the feeling. I’m now terrified of expressing interest in someone (namely this new guy).

My confidence has been on the floor since being with my ex and I stupidly looked at my his social media when I’d noticed from his thumbnail his profile was public. He’s posting photos of women (something he would never do when we went out) and I’m comparing myself to them. I just feel so pathetic and in comparison feel like a bit of a loser. Here I am stalking his social media like an idiot while it looks like he’s out having fun.

I honestly don’t know why I looked… I knew it would feel awful. Why does it feel so rough that I’m working so hard to pull myself together after that relationship. I’ve got a specialist counsellor who’s going to work with me soon and still on anti-depressants (Which I had to start taking in the relationship). I’m not blaming him for absolutely everything and he’s not the sole reason I’m feeling low… But it’s had a pretty massive impact on how I see myself. The cruelty, gaslighting and projection of his own behaviour at the end was so maddening I was always wondering if it really was the problem. Surely if I’m the one stalking his social media and upsetting myself for no reason – that’s pretty toxic behaviour. He looks like he’s just living life and I’m still picking myself up.

I’m just struggling and wanted to know if anyone else had been through this phase? When I think about the reasons I’m getting so upset about the way he tried to bring me down (He was very focused on looks/appearance) I get annoyed with myself for feeling so affected. I’ve never been someone that valued looks over other things and I’ve always been told “I’m Attractive”… I recognise that’s lucky and I don’t have to think so much about it – so have tried to not over focus on things like that in me or others… But since I’ve been with my ex who obsesses about what they look like and other peoples attractiveness – It’s really stuck with me as something I need to be working on and comparing myself to other women in a way I never used to. I find it really ugly in myself and never liked that in others so much…

I definitely don’t have feelings of wanting him or the relationship back, I’m enjoying spending time with this new guy and dating is starting to give me some of my old confidence back (that I’m not completely undesirable) but wow it feels like a lot to keep myself feeling OK and not putting myself down. I would like to try and build my confidence back in other ways (not just through romantic connections). I want to be less focused on how I’m feeling/what happened and the impacts of it all and feel impatient to have myself/my energy back.

I guess I’m writing this all out on here because I’m feeling really lonely with all this floating around my head! It all makes me feel a bit tragic and if anyone can reassure me this is a normal part of the process or they felt something similar – I’d really appreciate any response… Even if it’s to tell me to get a grip

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hereforclarity

I won’t be telling you to ‘get a grip’ thats for sure! 🙂 Don’t be so hard on yourself.

When you think about a relationship, someone that you’re intimate with for years, their opinion matters to you, you respect what they say, even if they are abusive, and more, when it is abusive you crave that opinion even more as they gain more and more control of you. Is it any wonder that any of us have any confidence left! Why would we when day after day we are fed negative reflections of who we are, until we don’t recognise the woman in the mirror anymore, wonder where we went, and whether its all quite real, the previous you or the you now.

The abnormality of what you’ve suffered will result in completely normal responses in you, like lack of confidence, in you, or in a relationship. Trust will likely be a huge issue, as will potentially fear and triggers.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It could really help with recognising all the boundary issues that abuse leaves you with, and help you to draw clearer lines around any new relationship, lines that are for you, what you feel comfortable with and confident to assert.

Abuse often robs women of many of their intelligent and sharp instincts and self-assertion, get support to overcome these deficits, to get them back stronger than ever, knowing that you can rely on yourself to act when you feel uncomfortable.

If this new partner is a worthy genuine one, he will try to support you patiently through this, and you will hopefully become closer because of it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

The ironic thing is due to my line of work – I actually work vey closely with these issues (Not to be too specific). It often adds to my feeling of guilt that ” I should know better” and I often minimise my own experiences as they’re not as bad as a lot of women’s I come across on a regular basis. You think it would help? But it just seems like another way logic has gone out the window through all of this. It makes the idea of going to the freedom programme or group work seem very surreal and feels as if I’m taking space where I shouldn’t be…? Not sure if I’m making sense.

It really does seem like the bumps in the road just seem to surface when you don’t expect and the feelings that come with it can be so raw can’t they? You’re right that the sense of urgency and craving an abusive persons approval does feel like a strong pull (Even now) I find myself making choice I think he would “respect” or “approve of” and get anxious when I do things I know he wouldn’t like…

Think I’m just struggling a bit with the unfamiliar feelings of bitterness/resentment that he seems to be OK and doing well while I’m scraping myself off the floor and worrying about all these insecurities I didn’t use to have to this degree… I know you can’t tell by a glimpse on social media how someone is and I don’t wish him or anyone ill will or harm… I’m just bubbling with all sorts of unprocessed anger and sadness. It all just feels quite unfair doesn’t it? Not sure how else to say it…

I guess any feelings after abuse are somewhat normal reactions to abnormal circumstances like you say. I’m just tired of how much work goes in to feeling barely OK and being robbed of my sense of intuition like you say. I know it’s not completely gone and I hope things will start to shift soon.

Thank you again for such gentle and kind words. I’ve really needed a space to get this off my chest and your response was really comforting x

[Twisted Sister]

yep, sorry, you’re absolutely in the same boat as the rest of us, and we all have our reasons why its hard, and none of us can compare with anyone else’s journey through this, and of course, supporting other women through it, isn’t the same as being in it. Being behind closed doors and embroiled in that abusive relationship is a very different matter, so, yes, do be kind to yourself, and take your time doing whatever you need at whatever pace is right for you.
warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

tbh I think that it shows noone is immune to the manipulations of the abuser, even with the best of training and insights, but I can see how much harder it must be to accept that this is whats been happening to you too. Don’t forget, the shame is his, and his alone. Hold your head high and walk forward, leaving him firmly behind you.

[Redtulip]

Hi it sounds like your having anxiety towards your new relationship as you’ve had a previous bad experience and sounds like you’ve got trust issues. I want to assure you not all men are the same there are good men out there. You have every right to move on but it sounds like you still need time to heal. At the moment it still sounds like your still very hurt at the end of your previous relationship but I think it’s positive that you’ve had that escape as no one deserves to be in an abusive unhappy relationship. I hope you heal from this and are able to move on and be in a happy relationship. In terms of triggers I understand completely as I feel like the trauma of an abusive relationship stays with you but i have found counselling helps. Hopefully once you’ve started with counselling you’ll be on your road to recovery as I feel talking out your worries instead of bottling them all in really helps. All the best.

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