Is this 'normal'

[Isitmymindanymore]

Hi,
I recently left a toxic relationship. I can’t remember how many times I left before or him
Kicking me out but I did it and its for good. When people say it doesn’t get better, I honestly believed that it would be different for me, that it would work out, that it would get better. It didn’t.

My physical health has improved so much. The physical signs Of stress had took their toll on my body and appearance and I genuinely believe if it had continued, I would’ve burnt out. Some days I
could feel my heart beating so hard, the debilitating migraines lasting days, hair loss, skin rashes, tiredness like no other. I hadn’t experienced this before. My job wasn’t the reason, my children weren’t the reason. The once physical and then emotional abusive relationship was. I knew what what was happening wasnt right but I thought I could fix it. I came to realise that it wasn’t up to me to fix.
I see the physical improvement when I look in the mirror but sometimes I struggle to see an improvement mentally. I know I need patience With myself and time to heal. I know I need to process what went on and to feel all those feelings, its just some days I feel numb. Some days I dont feel love for him, I dont feel hate for him, its more like indifference. Other days I wonder if he’s ok, how are things affecting him.
Is this ‘normal’ to have such conflicting thoughts?

I keep feeling the need to find out why he would
behave the way he did, to put a reason on it, finding out whether I was to blame. I use
to think; if I listened more, responded differently
Did this, that or the other then everything would
be ok. I was made to believe that it was me, that I wasn’t listening, understanding, putting excuses on everything. I would take responsibility and apologise and try again. I believed the ‘change’ speeches and I even gave a few of those too. But things didn’t change and I was told to try harder or it’s not what he’s asked for.
If I disagreed or questioned it would escalate to
an onslaught of name calling, yelling and every past
mistake cutting me once again. I use to defend myself but that made things worse. I kept my mouth shut but the same outcome occurred. I would agree with him but some other issue would swing on in and the ride would start all over again. If I tried to jump off, well that was another issue. I began to realise that the majority of things he was labelling me as was in fact him.
Is it ‘normal’ to not understand why someone would do all those things?
I started to disconnect before it actually ended.
The hours upon hours of verbal attacks took their toll. My mind would shut down. I didnt trust the ‘good’ times between each outburst anymore.
Is it ‘normal’ for your mind to still shutdown after leaving even when there’s no conflict?
Is it ‘normal’ to feel like you’ve been conditioned?
Is it ‘normal’ to feel partly to blame because of mistakes you’ve made?

I apologise for all the questions. I’m just struggling to understand how someone can have that much influence on anothers mental health.

P.s I an awaiting high intensity therapy. Which I’m hoping will help

[Sazauk]

Hi x I can relate to a lot of your story & I really thank you for sharing. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers to your questions, I am also on my very long road to recovery but wonder if I will ever be me again?
Thank you again for sharing your story x

[KIP.]

Hi there, I was just like you and I’ve spent several years trying to come to terms with what happened to me. Living with the Dominator. Healing from Hidden Abuse. A couple of good books to start with. Also, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I also did an evening class in psychology. The bottom line is we were unfortunately targeted by a predator. Just a nasty abuser who simply isn’t wired the way we are. They lack empathy and sympathy and gaslight and lie and use brainwashing and programming. They cannot bond and are all about the control. My abuser could be your abuser. It’s not personal. Have a look at doing the Freedom Programme. I suppose it’s scary when we don’t have control and don’t understand what has happened. We can overthink but I was left with mental health injuries cause by his abuse and am working my way through them. Just like physical injuries only deeper and longer lasting and often more debilitating. So concentrate on yourself, take baby steps, keep stress to a minimum and use coping strategies like meditation, mindfulness, walking, yoga and surround yourself with positive people. 💕 it’s a real rollercoaster ride to recover but it was never you, never your fault. I also reported my abuser to the police which empowered me and gave me a kind of closure x

[Isitmymindanymore]

Hi both,
Thank you for replying.
I was scared to post anything. I registered here a while ago and would type my story over and over again, I didn’t have the confidence to submit. Maybe that submit button has another meaning; submitting your truth.

I have often wondered and still do wonder if i will ever be me again, as SAZAUK does. I know I’m in there but I think now its a different version of me.

I have read, ‘why does he do that’ and ‘Living with a Dominator’. They were an eye opener and i sat there and continuously nodded my head with realisation. I will have a read of ‘Healing from hidden abuse. Thank you for your suggestions.
Reading those books made me wonder why I didn’t have even a slither of knowledge about this, then I started thinking they should teach some baseline things in Senior school. But thats another topic.
I can go off sometimes.

I agree when you said they are not wired as we are. And I guess its about accepting that and accepting that I couldnt do anything about it. I could’ve sacrificed all of me and it still wouldn’t have been enough or I did it wrong or not how he asked for it to be done.

Its been peaceful not waiting for an outburst, issue or complaint. Its been peaceful not having to think about every word that comes out my mouth, every facial expression, my tone and body language. I started to feel like I was coming back from the depths.

I went completely NC, I deleted and blocked numbers, associated numbers and every app. Me and my children (thankfully not his) went off grid, we went away. It was liberating.
I got a non-mol. I have a supportive family around me which I am so thankful for as some are not as lucky. It really is a roller coaster but at least this ride I am in control of.

Mentally something doesn’t feel right, Sometimes I feel like im blocking things, maybe minimising things, not fully accepting of what it was but knowing what it was, if that makes sense. I’m hoping the High intensity therapy will help with that amongst other things.

Have a good day x*x

[KIP.]

You’re doing everything right but for me it was time that made the most difference. It takes time to heal and that can’t be hurried. Time to grieve and time to heal. Healing from Hidden abuse takes you through the stages x

[Lisa]

Hi Isitmymindanymore,
Welcome to the forum. You say it’s taken awhile to post here, but it’s great to see you have started as the women here will absolutely relate to your experience.
It is completely normal that you feel all the complex and conflicting emotions that you do. Many women struggle with ‘getting back to normal’ after leaving an abusive relationship and it may take some time.
You may be interested in checking out The Freedom Programme. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK and you can take courses online which, in these times, may suit you better. More information about the Programme can be found on their website – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php.
You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
I hope this helps, do keep posting here for support as you are in and amongst women who understand.
Take care,

Lisa

[Isitmymindanymore]

Thank you for your responses.

I certainly will have a read through Healing from hidden abuse.
And thank you both for your guidance to the freedom programme which I will definitely be looking into. I am currently recieving support from my local mental health team but I do feel it’ll be beneficial to look into other avenues of support.

Its comforting to know that these thoughts are normal. I know it will take time and I need to allow that time, i guess my patience wore thin over time. X*x

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