Is this normal?

[Minniemum]

My husband and I often disagree about parenting issues bit he often changes his mind about how to discipline etc so just as I’m trying to back him up on things he changes what he is doing.
Tonight before dinner our eldest dd was getting annoyed about something insignificant and he put her in her room (he cannot stand any noise from the children). During dinner she didn’t want to eat much. I’d already told her that she didn’t have to eat it all but that there would be nothing else to eat tonight. He made her sit and told her she HAD to eat it all. Then he walked away leaving me to deal with it. When she then screamed I pit her in her room (as he does when they scream). He then said I shouldn’t have done that as she gets away with not eating!
He then tries to tell me that what I’m doing is not working and I need to try new things! And even throws in “even the plumber yesterday said you are too soft with the children”
I told him I didn’t believe him as he has made up things that other people have said before if it makes him look better and me look rubbish.

This is not how you should deal with / treatv someone you love is it?!?

[MsTaken]

OMG for a start the plumber has absolutely nothing to do with how you raise your kids regardless of whether your soft or not. It’s up to you. There’s no perfect way anyway as all kids are different. And your husband should of told him to keep his nose out anyway! You have every right to be upset by this. We all as parents do things wrong and we all do things right. Don’t feel bad for what you did. You tried what you thought best at the time and kids do have to learn to listen to their parents for their own well being so it was left up to you to deal with that situation. It sounds like you don’t know what to do for the best with husband around. Talk to him about what the children’s boundaries and disciplines are then it might be clearer in the house. Make sure you have your say tho as you views and opinions are just as important. Being told what your not doing right all the time isn’t helping the situation. And if your kids see you not agreeing they will play on that as children are very manipulative when they want their own way like not wanting to eat tea lol sorry I hope that helps

[Chickadee]

You have two entirely different issues. And I’m so sorry your going through this.

First, as parents you have to be on the same page when setting rules and enforcing discipline , otherwise it does not set an example or foundation from which your children can prosper. And the back up your partner does not exist in this environment, it can’t, your not clear on what your backing up. This form of parenting results in chaos and in your children perceiving you as something not to be respected. There can be significant consequences with your children from this later as they will feel that with the lack of structure they can achieve the point of just doing whatever they choose. Self-rule.
The above is normal and occurs with parents that have different viewpoints and/or objectives, working together can result in it working.

Secondly, a third party being brought into what is between the two of you to work out is not goodunless a mediator/couselor. Moreover, the fact that he is pitting the plumber against you is disturbing. So is the fact that your stating he makes things up. No, this is not healthy or normal. And it leans to the direction of abusive behavior.

I would suggest that you suggest to him sitting down and really coomunicating (talking civil and open about it) and see if the two of you can work together on it and establish set rules and conseaquences for your children that you adhere to. (Keep in mind if your not adhering to it, why should they). That is the example they are receiving and will at some point follow. I would attempt to work at it and talk with your husband first, before anything else. It may take more than one time of sitting together, the two of you have to learn with eachother how to communicate with eachother and get it to work.
Bottomline…..the two of you are not the only one’s suffering from this, so are and will the children continue to do so, if it is not worked out.

[maddog]

Does this kind of thing happen often, Millenium? Quite often it’s part of a pattern of behaviour. Who on earth enjoys eating under pressure?

Can you keep a diary? Email yourself? Just keep some sort of record of his behaviour?

A gp told me to keep talking to my husband. What the gp didn’t seem to realise is that speaking to my husband is a one way thing, and I’d be better communicating with a potato.

My husband and I went through years and years of marriage guidance. What happened is that they smoothed over the cracks, and ultimately put me in a dangerous situation.

[KIP.]

It’s not about your parenting skills. It’s about him using them as an excuse to be abusive. He puts you down and makes himself feel big. The goal posts will always keep moving so that he can try to justify his abuse. This is what happens when you try to reason with an abuser.

[Author]

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