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I’ve been questioning whether my relationship is abusive or not for a while. And I’m really looking for advice. My partner has a lot of traits during arguments that seem really nasty and I don’t think are okay. He regularly ignores me for hours, even if I’m with him in person he will just blank me as though I’m not there. If it’s over text he sometimes blocks me, and when he unblocked says things like you don’t being an a*s? And I have to say yes and apologise. He used to call me horrible names until I told him to stop which he did for a while but it seems to be starting again. He gets annoyed at me over things I don’t agree with but can’t say that otherwise he’ll think I’m trying to ‘make him out to be an a*s and making him feel guilty for expressing himself’. Things like he isn’t ‘comfortable’ with me going abroad with my family so I’m not allowed to or we break up. I’m not allowed to go on holiday with my dad or we break up as I should be focused on the relationship. He hates my parents and they hate him, and he uses that against me all the time as apparently it’s unfair. He’s said before about choosing them or me and I need to move in with him and not see them. Regularly he wants me at his and I’ll agree to knowing I won’t be going and as I then cancel he’ll saying I’m a let down and I’ve ruined his mental health. I feel like I’m a horrible person and that I’m making his life horrible and worse. But some part of me is telling me that’s wrong. He’s also said explicitly he’s only okay with me wearing certain things if I’m with him otherwise it makes him uncomfortable. I’m so fed up of feeling like I’m a horrible person. I really want to go on holiday with my family but feel like I can’t. I’m so lost, am I the problem? Am I expecting to do too much in a relationship without him?
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oh my lovely, firstly you are very brave for posting. secondly, yes you are right, the behaviour he is showing is not OK, anything that makes you feel uncomfortable isnt OK, the way he makes you choose between him and your family is classic abuse tactics- he is hoping you choose him so you become isolated from friends and family and then feel dependant on him alone, i have been there (altho i didnt realise at the time) you are definetly not the problem! do not ever think that, you start down his rabbit hole and you will lose yourself. If he is constantly making you feel you are the problem, and you are not happy, then my advice if possible would be to get out, but i am not sure of your situation whether you live together ect so i would get advice from your local womens aid before tackling that on your own, they can help you make a safety plan.
As i have said, dont tackle this alone, but this is your choice. I do not think you are a n****r, nor that its your fault, it sounds to me, like you are at the start of the abuse cycle, he tries to isolate you, breaks you down, then will try flowers etc to say sorry to pick u back up saying he will change or he forgives you!
you have nothing to be forgiven for hun, talk to womens aid, they should help.
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