Is this rape?

[Cherrycake]

So. A few days ago I went to the police station and told them about everything I can remember about how my ex partner treated me.
I didn’t even see it as important, in my eyes it’s so normal. But then again.. I did put up with it a few times a week for a few years.

The police have classed it as ‘historic rape’ and areally wanting me to go to court with it.
Basically.. after having my child doing the deed was extremly sore, the point I would cry from the pain. I would ask him to stop, and he would say ‘let me finish first’ or make me feel awful saying things like ‘have you been doing it with somebody else, is that why it hurts’ ‘do you not love me’ ‘if you loved me you would enjoy it’ things like that. He wouldn’t listen to me when I said no, so he carried on. But I’d often not say anything else after, incase it started an argument. I would lie there holding back the tears waiting for it to stop. It would often make me bleed because I wasn’t enjoying i and it would tear.
To me, it’s normal. I’m REALLY struggling to get my head around the fact they are classing it as rape. Ithe made me feel so useless… like it was always my fault I should give him a good time and get on with it.
But I feel like taking it to court… is hard because I genuinely see it as okay to do that. It was my normality for (detail removed by moderator) years. Also, my ex would guilt trip me into having sex, if I wanted a favour from him, I had to give him what he wanted first. If I wanted him to be nice to me, I had to have sex with him. But again that wasn’t forced, it was my choice. But I was scared of what would happen if I didnt, so I would go along with it.
I really need somebody to tell me that the police are right and I’m wrong.
He emotionally abused me so badly that hes made me feel like all of this is a lie and made up in my head. It’s all starting to take its toll on me and I have realised how much he’s messed with my head since leaving him!
Any support would be great right now, as I’m finding it so hard deciding Wether to go court and have my name dragged through the mud. It’s all so intimidating!

[Falling Skys]

Hi big big hugs

If at any time you said no its rape. If you wake up and he’s doing its rape. I was in a lot of pain after the birth of my second child he just took it.

My issue was I thought he loved me so it couldn’t be rape because you wouldn’t rape someone you loved.

Also to cope I would hide it from my self locking it away in my head.

Its going to be a hard journey but you will get through it.

With going to court that is your decision, I am not in a safe place but when I am I will make a statement I feel I need to do it for closure. Where it then goes to court or not he will know his behaviour was unacceptable. As its historical rape the forensic evidence is gone so you don’t need to rush in to anything.

FS xx

[Cherrycake]

Thankyou.
That is exactly how I feel. I feel as if it was normal for that, I’m really struggling to come to terms with the word ‘rape’. I guess because I wasn’t physically forced, but emotional I feel I was.

It’s so hard, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Being pregnant with our second child makes things alot more difficult for me.
I’m so scared of what will happen in court. I feel like I will waste everyone’s time. There is no proof to say he did what he did, no proof of his awful emotional abuse. Just my word against his, and I know he will make out he’s innocent, because he GENUINLY believes there is nothing wrong with it. There’s never anything wrong with anything he does.

I’m scared that will be used against me, that he will turn everything on me just like he has for the past (detail removed by moderator) years. I want to wait until next year to take this further, I want to enjoy the kids while they are you going and enjoy the rest of my pregancy as I don’t have long left.

But at the same time, I’m the second person he’s treated this way. How many more? If I wait until next year when it’s better for me… how selfish is that because in that year he cold have another woman in his clutches.

[Falling Skys]

With this you need to put yourself first, it will give you time to get stronger to cope with the whole situation.

Do you have a support work WA or rape crises it will help you get through this.

With it being your word against his, if your like me I can go into every detail of the rapes (I use to call it him having sex when I didn’t want to) even dates decades on. They won’t be able too.

Don’t be hard on yourself, you can’t change the world.

FS xx

Good luck.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Cherrycake, I have been just where you are. When I went through the caada-dash with the police and they asked the sexual question I said ‘well sort of, only when I was asleep’. I was completely shocked when they said it was rape and wanted me to report it. I’m still coming to terms with it emotionally a long while on, but yes the police are definitely right that it was rape. In the end I did an anonymous report. I found my local rape crisis invaluable in guiding me to the right decision for me and now providing counselling. Get all the support you can and don’t feel pressured into a decision by anyone, that’s the last thing you need after what you’ve experienced. Sending hugs x*x

[KIP.]

Hi there, please ring rape crisis. They were fantastic and have a great helpline. Ask yourself if he would do these things to you in the very early stages of your relationship. Of course not. They wait till we are hooked, then the abuse creeps in. Just because it was your normal doesn’t make it legal or morally ok. You will remain anonymous as a victim of a sex crime but it will be his word against yours so it might not even make it to court. It’s not upto the police to decide. They will forward the statements to the crown office and if there is enough evidence for a conviction they may proceed. If he’s behave this way with you, chances are he’s done it to others X

[Cherrycake]

Thankyou for your advice and support. I’m so sorry you all had to go through something similar… I just really need to get my head around the fact it was rape and it isn’t okay, and then I’d like to hope my decision will be easier. But right now I feel as if this is all happening to somebody else as I never in a million years thought this was rape.
I would like to call rape crisis, but it’s really difficult as I’m currently having to live with family, so get no time to myself as such. I refuse to tell my family the full story, but that’s my choice and I don’t think I will change my mind. I’d much rather do it all alone and then forget about it as such (not that you ever do) but I wouldn’t want family bringing it up all the time, so I am alone in my decision and the whole process etc.
I have a support worker through womens aid, she hasnot been the best of help if im honest, but then again I havnt spoke to her about anything so that’s my fault. But all our meetings are at home with my family present so I refuse to talk.
The lady from serious sexual offences is giving me a call back end of the week, so I wanted to decide for then. But I sway from one side to the other constantly.

And as far as I am aware,his ex partner before me he treated the same and was forceful on her. She wont tell me anymore then that and I don’t want to ask as that’s the polices job. She is willing to talk to them on my behalf.
Thankyou all again x

[KIP.]

I have a local rape crisis place and a local women’s aid place where I can drop in. Perhaps you could go there next time. Or tell your WA worker you want the next visit to be private. All I can say is I didn’t regret telling the police. It was like I was handing the problem over to them to deal with. Perhaps if his first partner had reported him it might have saved your pain. You can search topics on here. Type the word rape in the search bar X unfortunately it’s all too common. Mine used to say he was angry because I wasn’t giving him enough sex. Threatened to leave me in a b & b hundreds of miles from home because I wouldn’t have sex. Tried to have sex too early after my son was born, I still had stitches and I was hysterical. Called me a fridgid f… C… And threatened to take a chain saw to my locked bedroom door. Said he had ‘rights’ as a husband and more or less said he would go elsewhere. The trouble is I have no doubt it was nothing to do with sex. It was the fact that I dared to say no to him. About the only thing left in our marriage I said no to. And he just couldn’t take that X it will all become very clear to you in time X

[Cherrycake]

I am so sorry that happened, but happy you are now rid and hopefully free from him.
See that’s how I felt… handing it over to the police and letting them get on with it. But by the sounds of it it donot work like that… the thought of making a video statement which will then be shown infront of so many people including him and his family makes me feel sick.
And then if I have to stand up in court and talk about it all? I don’t think I could physicaly do that, I can’t even say the word ‘rape’ never mind talk about it all to a room full of people.

I wish it could be easier for them to get the evidence together but obviously it isn’t and I have to come to terms with that I guess.
I think there is one a while away but nothing close as far as I know, I wish there was though.

Thankyou though it has started to make me feel a little better now… knowing I’m not ‘over exaggerating’or I’m just ‘crazy’ which for so long he has made me feel. I will get stronger I hope. Will be 3 months soon since he told us to ‘get the f*** out of his house’ and I did just that, and didnt look back. Just trying to take baby steps so the stress dont pile on top of me!x

[Ayanna]

I can only join in to advise you to speak to Rape Crisis. Do not do anything without them.

I lost out completely because I was suicidal and had no support. I found out too late that I should have spoken to Rape Crisis. Nobody told me. Then my state of health was too bad and I never got justice.

Hang in there if you can. x*x

[Cherrycake]

I really do wish I could call them but as it can get quite personal I would have to do it alone where nobody can hear me… and unfortunately as I’m living with family it isn’t really possible. I’m trying to find time where I can talk alone but I always have my child with me and it’s hard.
I will try my hardest when I have any spare time to call them, but at the moment that isn’t happening!
I really do feel like I need support especially not being far away to having my second, I do need to look after myself too.
There is so much going around my head, I hopedon’t if I left him it would end. But I dono think it ever really will! 😢
Thankyou x

[KIP.]

I literally couldn’t speak the word rape for 6 months after. It does get much easier with time. Speak to the police or crown office about your concerns giving evidence. You can give evidence via a video link and I think you can ask the public gallery to be excluded in rape cases. It will take a while to come to court if it goes that far. In the meantime you must concentrate on you and your baby. I don’t think there’s a time limit on reporting sexual crimes so don’t put pressure on yourself X you’re right to take baby steps ❤️

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m wondering if you could maybe call rape crisis and explain its difficult to speak on the phone but arrange an appointment to meet someone instead? Your family wouldn’t need to know what the appointment was for. I honestly can’t praise my local service highly enough, it is so hard to cope without specialised support x

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