Is this real or my childhood trauma?

[Curtains]

I’ve recently split with my n**********c boyfriend for the final time this time. I’ve done a lot of looking inside myself and realising that the reason I ended up in this situation is from past trauma of my abusive father. My father sexually abused me aswell as other forms of abuse. My partner had a lot of similar traits to my father and with every partner I’ve ever had due to my experiences I’ve watched like a hawk around my daughter. He has never touched her nor done anything that makes her feel uncomfortable but I’ve noticed little things that could point to him been like that but I don’t know if it’s me overthinking and making too much. A trusted friend of mine thinks it could be my trauma carrying over. The issue is tho is I’m feeling so guilty and like I’ve put my precious child in danger having him around if he’s like that….I’m struggling so much ☹️

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Curtains,
Well done for splitting with your partner and even more well done for doing some inner work and looking inside of yourself.
It’s easy for us to follow a pattern of what we are use to and although your fathers behaviour was not right you have since then seeked out similar men as this feels ‘familiar & comfortable’ to what you know.
Please don’t be to hard on yourself regarding your daughter, you have now identified what’s going on and got her away from your ex.
Keep doing the work on yourself and that will only lead to you having more self love, self worth and self respect with stronger boundaries, and in turn this will benefit your daughter and show her what a strong empowered women you are now.
You have been through a lot so be gentle and kind to yourself and give yourself the love you need. Forgive yourself that you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had and know now that ”when you know better you do better”
I believe you have got this my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Curtains]

Thank you so much for your reply darcy 😊 I think the thing that is getting to me the most is not knowing if I’m right in thinking these things or if it is just my trauma carrying over. I also suffer with ocd so my brain feels very uncomfortable with uncertainty especially in serious situations like this.

[Darcy]

Have you tried or are you able to try any kind of therapy for your OCD… maybe hypnotherapy?
I would recommend doing some grounding meditation. Just sit quietly and imagine roots coming from the base of your spine and going deep down into the earth. This will help to stabalise and ground your mind and thoughts.
Think of yourself as a tree, at the moment, every time the wind blows (past trauma) you get up rooted, you need to get strong from the inside and stand like an old oak tree that isn’t even shaken by a storm.
Sitting quietly will also help to put your thoughts in order, tune into your heart to know that this is your truth and everything else is external thoughts.
Writing things down can also help to unravel things & give you some order.
With the OCD, try and look at triggers and how this is serving you. It may be uncomfortable to sit with the feeling that you try and mask through the OCD, but by giving this feeling a voice you can then let it go.
Trust your gut … you always have the right answer within you xx

[Curtains]

Yes I have had therapy for the ocd and I’m pretty good with managing it but unfortunately there is no cure so keeping it under control is the only thing I can really do. I do meditate but I don’t do nearly as much as I should so think that’s something I need to do. It is currently on a self care list I’ve made for myself but I’m struggling with doing much of it at the moment. I’ve also referred myself to my local mental health team aswell to see if I can get more therapy for my traumas past and present. In regards to the topic of me not knowing I just have to keep telling myself that nothing has happened to my daughter she hasn’t come to any harm and I have no solid evidence but as he is abusive I would never be able to discuss my fears properly with him nor do I trust him in any other way so that’s enough for me. Thank so much for your kind replies darcy 😊 it feels so much better to air this out without it swimming round my brain.

[Darcy]

It’s great you have a self care list, but don’t let this be another thing that pressures you, otherwise it defeats the object!
Self care and meditation is a daily practice, some days we get to it and some days its just hard work! Try and just do one nice thing a day for yourself and know by doing this, it will benefit not only you but your daughter to.
Even if it’s just a bubble bath, really engage in that moment, feel the temperature of the water… connect, light some tea lights, use a nice scented oil and really inhale the smell, or make yourself a lovely healthy meal and really taste the flavours and textures of the food or take a nice walk and notice the colours on the trees and the sounds of the birds Whatever it is, be truly present in that moment.
You did the best you could for your daughter at the time and you are going to continue to do so, give yourself some credit for that.
Please always use the forum to share, like you say things swimming around in your head can seem a lot worse.
I am here to support you and believe that you have got this
D xx

[Curtains]

Yes I agree with not pressuring myself too much with the list I’ve been thinking this myself. I’ve been trying to do at least one thing a day but I need to practice been in the moment with it as my mind is always in another place…..thank you again 😊

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