Is this sexual abuse?

[Done-with-this]

We talked a few weeks ago about how he feels like he pushes me into sex and it’s because he missed the closeness. In the past when I’ve said no to sex he’s sulked – not aggressively m, kind of in a childish sarcastic way ‘no, no it’s fine if you don’t fancy me, I’ll just be celibate’ but I know it gets to him.

Two nights ago he asked early in the evening if we could have sex later I said I would see later (I know, not very enthusiastic!) so when we went to bed he started trying and I didn’t really react. I didn’t want to say no because of how he reacts plus I knew he’d keep pestering. I however made it very clear from body language – keeping my back to him, legs closed etc (sorry if too much info) but he persisted and I suppose I just went along with it to get it over with. It was all very quick thank goodness and after I just cried as I was so upset for some reason.
Is it abuse if I didn’t tell him to stop? How do other people deal with partners who pester for sex?

[maddog]

You didn’t consent. What he did is at best sexual assault. I think it’s rape. Your body was saying no. He persisted. It made you feel like rubbish. My ex did this all the time. He assumed consent no matter what. In his mind he is perfect so he couldn’t rape. He is a rapist.

Please speak to women’s aid. Speak to Rape Crisis. You can also speak to the domestic abuse team at the police on 101. Do not remain silent.

He won’t change. Bitter experience of going to years of pointless relationship counselling going round and round in circles with Mr Perfect. If you are able to get out of the relationship safely, get out ASAP. Please get support if you feel in any way afraid. I didn’t know this back in the day.

[Iwantmeback]

Oh my darling, this was my life with my oh. Giving in to stop him going into a huff, they are such big babies when they don’t get their own way. It’s so very hard for us to associate this type of abuse as being what we perceive as rape, but he knows when you don’t want it, he’s not stupid just entitled. He wants it, you’re there to satisfy his needs, never mind you don’t want to. That’s sexual abuse. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t tell him to stop, it’s coercive control. It’s just so hard as I said to get your head around.
I and many like me just usually gave in but the frequency lessened til it was almost non existent. You can’t have sex with someone you don’t love. You can’t have sex with someone who scares you. What I found the hardest was kissing my oh. Sex I could just about do, but kissing was just to intimate for me. Are you speaking with anyone at WA yet, I think even if you could get your doctor to recommend you for therapy, it might help. Waiting times differ throughout the UK, it’s about 18 weeks here in Scotland but times vary from council to council. I hope you get away from this situation soon.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

You were scared to say no because you feared his reaction. This was not consentual.

[EbonyRaven]

That is abuse, yes. He’s not respecting your boundaries at all, and you didn’t consent, you were coerced. I too have been through similar. Being kept awake all night by alternate loud huffing, turning the radio up, turning the light on, sarcastic or ‘hurt’ comments, then him trying again, and again in a cycle through the night until he would wear me down.

Then to add insult to it he’d spend ages after going on about how I put him off by so obviously not enjoying it, and how I must be getting it somewhere else to not want it with him. Or he’d play the martyr and talk on and on about how he obviously wasn’t good enough, and how he couldn’t please me. Mixed with the ‘if only you were thinner, plumper, less vocal, quieter etc. comments.

Sadly, this behaviour meant I wanted less and less intimacy with him as time went by. I found that the thought of letting him near me would eventually make me shudder. That’s not a healthy relationship, and I’m not sure it’s something that once in place, can be changed.

The police do take this seriously if you report it. There is no shame in it. We have to do things to survive sometimes, and it can be the only way to get through the fog. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s self-preservation.

[Bruisedbutbrave]

I am sorry that so many girls are going through sexual abuse in their intimate relationship
I always thought rape was done by strangers .
I have been a survivor of domestic abuse on every level and horrific sexual assault and rape in a marriage of over 10 years.
I felt sick ,horrible and used .
Apart from the first year of marriage,everything else was rape and sexual assault .I got so put off after children that I started sleeping in separate room .he will call me lesbian,depressed,cheating on him ,my childhood molestation as reason to not consent for sex .
I was walking on egg shell every single day

He will drag me from my room and make me watch sick porn .
I was born and raised in a conservative religious society so he made me believe I didn’t know what sex is .

I was so unhappy and didn’t understand why
I had cervical trauma due to sexual assault and it didn’t click when the doctor mentioned
I feel sick to this date how I let this happen to me and how the sick psychopath messes with my head and blamed me for everything .
I went to police for coercive control and alot ig things came out during interview
He tried to video me during sex which I couldn’t understand .
His sexual fantasy to have sex in public (garden) and on holidays with another woman while he watches me was so sickening
He would tell me repeatedly I wish I could rape you.used sick insulting language during sex
Calling me s**t w***e
The more I recall the more it hurts

After 10 pages of statement,police didn’t arrest or took the case to CPS due to lack of evidence and my only hope is now family court .
I have strong faith and I believe in higher power
What ever happened to me in this marriage ,I hops it never happens to anyone else and I will fight for justice,not for myself as nothing will bring my life back but want to save others.

[Author]

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