Is this sexual abuse or normal?

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Guys,

A little worried about writing this one to be honest.

The main concern I have for my relationship is coercive control (im sure some of you may have seen some of my previous posts).

but I wonder if its more than what I think.

Since I have recognised my husbands behaviour to be potentially abusive, I have naturally found him less and less attractive, obviously this has lead to me not being interested in sex.
however, when I refuse to sleep with him, (usually either by telling him I am tired or not in the mood – which is generally true) he becomes really upset with me and becomes very manipulative, often giving me the silent treatment until I will agree to it.
Naturally, this has also made our sex life terrible as well.

But I dont know whether this is part of the coercion or actually if this is turning into sexual abuse?

any thoughts would be appreciated

[Lisa]

Hi Butterfly-A,

Him using his emotions, being manipulative, and punishing you with the silent treatment until you agree to have sex is sexual coercion which is sexual abuse. You aren’t freely consenting to have sex with him. When someone uses pressure like this to influence a decision then the decision isn’t really ours anymore. This is not normal, a partner should respect your decisions about what you want to do with your body, without question.

Rape Crisis have a good explanation of consent on their website. They also run the 24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line which you can contact anonymously by phone or online chat, if you wanted to talk things through with a specialist operator.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Stitch by stitch]

Hi Butterfly-A

I have just read your message and felt your pain. Sadly, I am experiencing something very similar, only with my husband, he is very rude, degrading and extremely insulting when he can’t get his own way. He carries on as if it is his right to have sex whenever he wants.He never considers why I don’t to. Sometimes being in the same space as him is very difficult.

Sending thoughts prayers to you.

[Anewstartplease]

I have been wondering the same thing?
I am currently (detail removed by moderator), the last thing I want is sex. He is being very angry, moody and basically not very nice to me. He said “not getting sex is worse than anything you are going through”
Is it me or is this some kind of abuse?

[Sad and alone]

I can associate with the way you feel. The trouble is they don’t see it that way. I have said to my husband doesn’t he understand that when he calls me names and criticises me it doesn’t make me want to go to bed with him. I am lucky in that he doesn’t force the issue. He always says I used to reject him all the time and that’s why he never bothers. Which isn’t true. And when he did bother I never refused because I didn’t want to be accused of never wanting to. So kind of a reverse psychology manipulation maybe. Now he says he has come to accept that we won’t have a physical relationship. Even if he did make an effort to be nice it doesn’t matter as I know how he truly feels about me. Everything’s so effed up. Why are we still here?

[maddog]

You can’t possibly consent to sex when you’re being coerced and threatened. The grumps, sulks and silent treatments are threats. Being manipulated is threatening. Nobody can consent to intimacy under these circumstances. Rape usually goes with the territory in abusive relationships. Very few people, if any would choose to have sex with a miserable controlling man when choice isn’t an option and they’re going to be just as miserable and controlling whether or not you have sex with them. Abusers don’t do intimacy.

It’s really important to speak to specialist people about our experiences. Rape Crisis is brilliant. So often we hold Rape Myths in our minds and tell ourselves that it couldn’t happen to us. Most rape happens behind closed doors in the place where we should feel safe and the perpetrator under these circumstances is our partner or former partner, or a friend.

When a partner tells you that they’ve accepted not having a physical relationship or says they won’t touch you again, it’s another form of abuse. In a way it’s good that they’re not imposing themselves on us. However, it’s still a manipulation and a denial.

[Author]

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