- This topic has 50 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hello this is my first post. It’s not the first time I have found myself wondering if the relationship between me and husband is abuse or if it’s temper/something to work through. I guess to me really grasping if it is abuse would maybe help me in knowing my next step as I have previously told people in church who know and have advised the stay n pray method if you get me as I’m not in immediate danger he’s a good Dad family unit being a good thing for kids they say etc etc.
Daily life is just normal , as long as several factors are in place : 1: he has his weed supply for pain ( I can’t give details of reason as I think it would be specific )
2: I am happy (eg not moaning /depressed/ upset/ tired from work and make sure kids are entertained
3: he has beer
4: he’s on a good earner for week money wise.
5: his pain is not too bad
6: I don’t make silly small talk or ask questions.The list could actually go on ,.. but you see no human can be perfect and I’m tired moody depressed baggy whining and needy a lot of the time … then an argument can take place. 80% of the time the arguments do not escalate as I can just take myself and my two girls into the bedroom and I play with them and shut the door. He’s then happy just watching telly.
However the “ incidents” will happen if I’m past caring / on edge / or girls not there or are asleep .
Since being together he’s strangled me , attempted to throw a chair over head, punched arm, pushed on to bed and “bearing down punches missing me deliberately though, kicked me while on floor ( for which I did call police) recent it’s more that he threatens with hands but never does anything , and since the more recent punching arm and shoving over it’s become a joke so like he says when we are getting on hell do the whole “make sure it’s done or you’ll get one of these (fists)” but he’s joking and I awkwardly laugh cus then I think I’ve perhapsblown everything up in my head.
He’s a great Dad, I ensure I’m around most of the time however because he says he’s an old fashioned guy so he doesn’t really do much of the day to day stuff … there’s an age gap between us but I know many His generation who are fully hands on etc .
Ah I am sorry to go on I’m not in danger or being hit in face constantly I feel a fraud for writing on here .
-
I should add as after reading it that baggy means naggy and that the small list of major incidents have been spread far apart so they are not all the time.
Although I’m starting to wonder hence the now being on here that if I acted out of line most of the time then it would “ wind him up” or I’d push those buttons again etc as but as he says because I know what will make him mad then I’ve wanted it to clear air or so he’s saying. That and the idea that I’m a drama queen which I genuinely disagree but I guess perhaps things in my past have been quite “difficult and dramatic” but not chosen by me .
Also I’ll add that I do not take drugs or drink any more ( I gave up after one of major incidents so I could be clear if alcohol was to blame) -
Welcome Anonon
I wonder how you would feel and think if you were were to consider yourself actinbin the ways you describe. Would that make it clearer to you that what he’s been doing is so wrong. I sometimes do that to make me realise how wrong his behaviour is.
Your list of proviso’s about the conditions that have to be right to try to keep him away from mood\temper tells you the coercive control that he exerts over you.
Him strangling you is shocking and very telling.
He clearly demonstrates who he is. Strangling can so easily be fatal and is a very high risk behaviour that puts you at risk.Do the children have to live under his rules also? Does he lose it with them if they are noisy are they walking on eggshells around him?
I am sorry that you and your children are living with this. His pain is not central to the behaviour but I think there so often seems to be a something or other that draws our sympathies, empathies and understanding that goes towards trying to explain away the behaviours.
Do call the helpline if it’s safe for you to. It’s free and it will be good to actually speak to someone about it.
Take care and do keep posting and stay safe
TS x
-
I’m re
-
-
-
Thank you for writing a reply so quickly Twisted Sister, I really appreciate you taking time to.
When you ask if the children have to live by the in written rules i do get so sad because lately that’s why I become so “ niggly” with him. I don’t agree with how he wants them to be perfect all the time or equally how he really doesn’t let them do much in terms of he says how he’s a very over protective dad ( example letting a toddler learn to get in and out of our patio door ) so I see his point but I don’t want him bellowing atvher each time she tries – I’d rather help her.
Then he just gets mad if I undermine him.
But the madness is normally the silent treatment. Thank goodness.That is such a useful thing to say about picturing if I did what he did to me but my head still finds reasons because I know how annoying I am.
The strangling was only a couple occasions where alcohol involved and since it he doesn’t do it but gestures it..I can’t ring anyone when he’s around I spend nights in girls room where I sleep on the pull out permanently cus his pain etc and breastfeeding .
I feel desperate and low and I’ve made appointment for (Detail removed by Moderator) to speak to gp about my mood as I previously had anti depressants for post natal so maybe if my mood is better then things will be ? -
Nothing you do or say is justification for his behaviour. And nothing you do or say will make it stop.
I was reading a research article about domestic abuse and it was noted that the abuser would be abusuve no matter what that victim did. So, no matter what you do or don’t do, he will continue to be abusive and in all likelihood will get worse.
You deserve a better life, as do your children, than the one you are having with your husband. Sorry to be so blunt, but I really think you need to get out of this relationship. -
Imso glad you have found something positive from receiving a reply…and do keep writing till you find your strength and way through this.
The way that you say that it’s because of you, that you are being annoying or whatever is hisause to you also. Abusers are so very cruel to degrade us and belittle and name-call, always blaming until we are brain-washed into believing. It seems impossible they could have such power but that’s what his behaviour does to the survivor, speaking exactly the way we do as survivors believing they wouldn’t say these things simply to be cruel, therefore they must be true, but his only truth is that it is cruelty to keep you worried all the time, anxious about your own strengths and abilities because they threaten his power and control so must be stamped on.
He’s a con artist and con-artist are very good at making people feel stupid. They play on our natural human characteristics to their own manipulative benefit and sadly at awful cost to the survivor.
Please stay safe and grow your strength against him -
…and as much as we all want you to be safe and that you deserve so much whether you think that or not right now, we also know its not that easy to escape their clutches. I use the term ‘escape’ rather than’leave’ as its not a case of being able to easily walk away, it must be do e safely if you are wanting to do that
Warmest wishes. Ts x
-
-
Thank you for your advice and responses.
From what he has said before when I’ve tried to approach how rubbish our relationship is he would be ok if I left as he says just go and leave then. So this is what I mean he’s not dangerous , the only things I guess stopping me is that would this damage kids more as they adore him but if we split I wouldn’t be able to trust or let them see him over night because Of the weed and beer I have to be around all time so they would miss out on seeing him. Although then logically he should change if he wanted to see them . He always said he
Would be in a gutter if he didn’t meet me etc so i also feel like I would just send him into a spiral downward -argh I’m aware I found ridiculous I’m so sorry . I can’t think straight and just feel so torn cus I want to work on issues but I guess how can I if he doesn’t see it as wrong or a problem . I’ll try and call the line Perhaps when he’s working one day I’m just a bit nervous as I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking just venting I suppose and wondering if it Perhaps is something that I was blowing up in head … ! Sorry and thank you again for responding x -
I doubt he means it when he says “just go and leave then” he probably thinks you never would. If he saw that you were serious about leaving, it could be very dangerous for you. I wouldn’t discuss separating with him again, it wouldn’t much safer to make a plan and leave without warning him. I know this sounds difficult to do, but there really is no reasoning with abusive men. They would rather somebody die than lose control, it really is as crazy as that.
Your children need to be safe and they need YOU to be safe. Please step away from your heart and listen to your head. It’s such a hard thing to do, but you need to look at yourself as a person who you love and need to protect.
Best wishes xx -
I was you a few years ago with my ex partner. What does your gut tell you? No one would be questioning if it was temper or abuse if they didn’t know deep down it was abuse. You deserve better than this. I know you say your husband is a good dad but it sounds like you are making excuses for him and have to have lots of ‘conditions’ in order for him to be okay. I got out very gradually- went on a break and remaining living together then the next time he had an outburst I waited til it was calm and told him I didn’t want to be with him but I still wanted him as a friend and be a part of my life. I moved out(Detail removed by Moderator) later and started distancing myself, that’s when I began realising how bad things had been and I was lucky to get out. I didn’t have a lot of physical abuse so made excuse after excuse for him, but the emotional abuse is something I have to live with. Ask yourself if you would be happy if your kids were treating their future partner like this/accepting this behaviour from a future partner. If the answer to that question is no then why accept it for yourself? This forum has been a great support for me, even just reading everyone’s posts. You are not alone, you deserve to be loved. And no one deserves to be treated badly, even if it it just sometimes.
SaS -
-
Anon, I’m sorry – but this sounds terrifying. I think you have become normalised to the abuse so everything has been a bit distorted and you can’t truly see or feel how dangerous and frightening that this behaviour is. Gesturing to strangle you is really, really shocking behaviour. He sounds very dangerous and I’m worried for your safety.
Anger or drinking does not cause abuse, abuse is about the need to be in control and feeling entitled to harm and hurt you in order to get his own way. We all get angry, but we do not all abuse. It’s a choice people make to hurt someone so that they can control and maintain power over them. You do not deserve this and you didn’t do anything wrong. Abusers like to make us think that if we only did something differently – if we weren’t so annoying, stupid, mouthy or whatever, then they wouldn’t harm us but this isn’t true – an abuser is sick and they abuse because they CHOOSE TO.
When he yells at your daughters, can you see that they haven’t done anything wrong and he is being unfair? He sees you all as property and not as human beings with feelings, who should be treated with kindness and respect.
He is strangling you now and one day he will start doing that to your children, as they become more independent and less under his will.
Why Does He Do That? Quotes (showing 1-30 of 149)
“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”Please think about checking out this book, it is a very important one to read if you are trying to understand and free yourself from abuse
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men -
Thank you all.
I’ve been spending a lot of time reading posts in the forum and so many things I can identify with . I call the incidents incidents but they are just the violent incidents that are not every day but if I were to think of being ignored slamming about being made fun of , helping me lose weight- cus I was “hefty” I used to have anorexia in my teens and now am slipping back I’ve lost 4 stone since second child a size 8 but very tall he just says .. you look ok for having kids – now it’s only the belly ay etc . I’ve only started to think back through comments and daily life after reading posts from lovely ladies and it’s like I’m reading what I could write . I know it must be abuse it must be , whether I see it as intentional by him I don’t know , I don’t think he knows he is . I still think in my head that if I point out to him that he is being abusive he would be mortified and so upset but then I’m scared to confront him as tonight he’s in one of his moods 🙁
-
Thank you everythingwillwirkout , I will look the book up..
I cry at the thought of children being hurt I genuinely don’t think he would ever but o cry even at the thought of them having to listen to him shouting at me or even at them it’s been the reason I’ve been questioning it all because I do think it’s all so harsh how we are expected to behave to please him
… -
You are right Anonon, it is really unfair and cruel on all of you for him to expect you to change who and what you are to fit in with him. You all deserve so much better. I think how they treat other people can be a window in to helping us see who they really are: things get fuzzy when we just focus on the abuse just towards ourselves, it can help us see more clearly when we look at how they treat people we love and care about.
That fear that you feel is ‘proof’ that he is abusive. A normal, healthy relationship is not one where fear grows. I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you. I read once that they feel bad about being labelled abusive because they don’t like that image attached to them, they don’t tend to feel bad because they empathise – I think it was in Lundy’s book, he said if they felt bad because they empathised then they would stop repeatedly hurting someone they claimed to love. Sending you hugs xx
-
I’m just all back n forth in my thinking felt so clear last night that it was him as abusing but now I’m back thinking that I can see the cycle that I’ve seen mentioned on some posts that maybe I’d have the calm stage ( in my specific sutyation) for longer or permanently if I could stop my getting annoyed or perhaps I’m the one that’s emotionally abusing him in that I’m looking at his behaviour wanting it to change and I can be calm then I’ll question why he is acting the way he is eg slamming or not answering me etc as I know I shouldn’t question or keep on at him . I’m guilty of kicking him off me and I’ve pushed him away literally knowing it’ll rile him more but was so fed up – I’d hate to think I’m the abuser or instigator but sometimes I actually want the tension to break so I can say get out but then I never say get out cus I’m shocked .. I know that this is s whole other post entirely and I’m sorry I know how frustrating I must sound
-
I know It’s confusing for you-we’ve all felt that confusion. Their behaviour is so irrational and changeable it’s hard to see things clearly. But you must, must remember that NOTHING you do or say justifies his treatment of you. You don’t provoke it and, perhaps more importantly, nothing you can do will make it stop.
-
I just want it to stop 🙁
-
-
You sound like me in my last year in the relationship. My partner hit me, because I reminded him he needed to do something one morning after he he asked me to remind him. He convinced me that it was my fault for not realising that he had slept badly and no longer wanted to do this (fairly vital) thing. I honestly felt like that was my fault. I thought our relationship would be better if only I did more housework. Or I just had to be more understanding and less emotional. Obviously this wasn’t true. Even if I did all the housework, if he had a bad day he would yell at me. I was never sure what would set him off – but I was sure if I tried hard enough I could fix it. This is the insanity that abuse brings you too. You can’t stop your partner behaving as he does to you, but you can leave and reduce the harm he does to you.
It sounds like the emotional abuse is pretty horrendous in your case, and that will have ground you down, but with support (from the people on here, from women’s aid, and maybe from understanding friends or family) you can build up your confidence in yourself and get out.
-
I hear you Anonon, when you say you provoke him. This is the effect of the abuse on you.
I would spend a lot of time wishing he would just wallop me one and get it out of his system.
The tension gets absolutely unbearable and living under the threat becomes worse than the act itself
This makes him abusive, not you.
We are non of us perfect but being in that situation of feeling if only this or that it would be OK is his tactic to keep you always worried and stressed, exhausting you.
It will literally drive you mad the longer you live under that.
I hope I am making sense and that you take good care of you.
Warmest wishes ts x
-
-
This may sound daft but after having it clear in head I genuinely now think perhaps I am the one with issues. We had a long chat the other night ( this is abnormal as he doesn’t talk to me normally at length) and he had had a few to many probably but opened up again about his Dad and how he really has never been like anything of what’s happened with us with anyone before. He also acknowledged how ” wrong” it was something he had never done before . He mentioned to me that because of my past relationships ( where one had involved sexual abuse from the exes friend) I had froze him out sexually etc and that sometimes he is insecure.. Since I did what he wanted in bedroom so to speak he really is a different man . I just wonder perhaps I’ve been cold and unexciying etc and I know I have issues. I took myself away (Detail removed by Moderator) with my girls alone and it was amazing (Detail removed by Moderator) without him but they missed him and when I got back he opened up loads. Perhaps the time apart helped. Would this sorryness and great time together happen if it was proper abuse.. I imagine I’ve abused him verbally before but I know I love him . Perhaps it’s the same for him physically and verbally. I’m waffling on here as didn’t want to post new thread as feel silly so I apologise if this gives notifications
-
Anonon, he’s hoovering you back. We all have issues. It doesn’t mean we deserve to be threatened or hit or strangled. Not ever ever ever. He is abusing you. No-one who abuses a parent can be a good one themselves. I too have lived through eating disorders. It is grim but certainly not something you should blame yourself for any more than if you broke a limb. Please keep posting. It took me years to realise and understand what my ex was doing to me.
-
If I were to read what I write I think gosh yes that’s not right to be in that situation but there’s the conversation in head that says he’s different and it’s not all black n white That I’m always attracting this sort of stuff etc etc . My closest friends have advised that normally this would be clear cut do not stay but that with him they don’t know as they feel he really does love me and wants to care for us argh..
-
Anonon, you are doing really well just by posting here. I really hope in time it will click. Women’s Aid and the Freedom Programme are brilliant. These perpetrators are very predictable. There is a Cycle of Abuse. Women’s Aid also has a checklist of abusive behaviours on their website. When posters say you are in danger they mean it. It took me a very long time for me for this to sink in.
Abusers are usually completely self-centred and survivors are often co-dependent. Now my ex has moved out I have been listening to loads of stuff on youtube about relationship red flags and how to avoid them. It is a journey and not one we would choose. There are plenty of fellow travellers and masses of support. Keep posting! You are on your way!
-
A lot of my friends thought my abuser and I had the perfect relationship. Please don’t let the fact that your friends think he loves you make ypu stay.
It sounds like he has put on a major love bombing performance – talking, sex, being kind – but it sounds very much like he pressured you into the sex and that you ended up doing so etching that you weren’t initially that keen to do, which is quite disturbing. And the love bombing stage won’t last.
Please be careful. Try not to let him get wind that you are unhappy with the relationship and definitely don’t let him know if you are thinking of leaving. He is very capable of manipulating you into staying. And if that fails of threatening you and hurting you until you are too cowed to leave. Keep talking on here. Call women’s aid. Get help. The way he is treating you isn’t right and you don’t have to accept it.
-
Thank you both for replies and thank you am so grateful for reading to keep posting as I worry I’m going on and shouldn’t be writing if can’t even find the guts to admit that everything is actually all just a lie . Either on his part or my part cus I genuinely feel like I’ve gone mad . I’ve now Bren prescribed antidepressants perhaps that will help me to be better to live with to start with I guess. I’m uncomfortable with the sex cus he likes to hear about the bad things that happened as it’s a turn on for him and it just makes me sad and embarrassed and now feel ashamed. I used to be able to but that was with drink. Argh
-
It’s a big thing to realise that the relationship is held together through one big lie, Anonon. Do you understand about gaslighting? It is not you going mad. It is him behaving in ways that make you think you are. None of this is your fault. You did not make him the way he is. Well done for going to your gp. Please call WA and ask them to call you back at a safe time. They will get you on the road for some real life support. They won’t pressure you to leave. They will listen and understand. They will validate you. When we’re going through this it feels hard to be believed, and that too is a process. I felt a massive weight lifted with the support of WA, then the police and social services.
When they’re being all sweetness and light it does feel sometimes as though the behaviour belongs in the land of make-believe. It doesn’t and it gets worse. My ex celebrated the assault by my daughter on me and screamed in front of the family in a rage that it was all my fault and that I deserved it.
-
I’m so sorry to hear about your ex celebrating an assault on you 🙁 I’m so glad that WA and the police helped you.
I really must call wa just a bit scared and actually feel so guilty as I don’t think hes got it in him to be intentional in his manipulation that’s mentioned etc if that makes sense.
-
My abuser only liked sex after he had verbally abused me to the point of tears. For these men sex is all about power and control, not love and care, so I am sad to say he probably wants you to feel ashamed. It turns him on to upset you. Try not to feel guilty about calling women’s aid. I know it is easier said than done, but you are not the one who is acting badly. It’s him who is acting badly, he has just taught you to feel the shame that he should feel for how he is acting.
-
Please try not to feel guilty about calling WA. You are speaking about your life, your experience, not his. Please try hard not to feel guilty about expressing your experience. You are so not alone! What is happening to you is Suffering In Silence. When you speak to someone at WA, they are going to listen. They are not going to judge you. What you are saying here is very common. I couldn’t accept the abuse I experienced as a child as I thought it wasn’t real. I was in no position to betray my parents. There was no sex, and I thought child abuse was something else. Again with my ex, I thought I knew what abuse was and I thought I knew what rape meant. How wrong I was.
Please don’t feel ashamed of doubting yourself. I felt deeply ashamed of having an eating disorder. I felt as though I didn’t belong, and my cloak of invisibility wasn’t really working. It wasn’t about being thin. It was about being there at all.
WA, your GP, and when you’re ready, the police, are the keyholders to the support you need. Keep posting, keep breathing. You’ll get there however awful it feels at the moment.
-
in reply to your post Tiffany; you put into words something i found so hard to, in verbally abused to the point of tears being arousing for him. its shocking to see it written and i can’t seem to make things sit right around it. You have come such a long way!
-
It’s sick, isn’t it? I realised it during the end stages of my relationship and thought I must be imagining it. He claimed it was make-up sex and that that was why he enjoyed it, but it didn’t feel right, and it upset me, so I said I wasn’t going to do it anymore. He wasn’t the type to go for violent rape, so after that sex stopped and he got his kicks from withholding affection instead. Luckily I got out after that. But it is scary to realise that a person you think you love gets off of hurting you.
-
-
i think there is something very wrong with me, that others can seem to see, but I can’t. Like you saw that in your relationship. It has totally messed with my head and hating my own sexuality like it betrayed me when he did this repeatedly. I only became aware of it clearly, a long time after being out of it. Never said anything, gave in every time despite being in tears and feeling messed up and sick during and after… so confused…
-
-
-
I just am so so saddened to hear how people can treat people. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this I truly am . Re reading that it turns him on to see me upset makes me look back through different clearer eyes . He really actually wants me hysterical and what’s more I think he wants me apologising to him . I’ve never written things in chats open and honest since joining here and from such a small time ago I can number things going on even to this point that actually if I’m ashamed to tell people then that must be wrong for him. I made mistake though of calling him abusive (detail removed by moderator) and he replied after all your exes etc
I’m the best thing etc not as bad ( not exact words as it was past relationship specific) . Don’t play that card.Then the evening unfolded.
But actually I’m grateful . Cus It was so typical to what I’ve been reading that I almost laughed at him but couldn’t -
I’ve told him to leave and he said he’ll look tomorrow to find somewhere ( after such a nasty physical and verbally horrid argument)
Will it be that simple? I’m determined not to pander to the fine I’ll look for somewhere . Can this be a true breakthrough or am I wishful thknking -
I suspect that tomorrow he will pretend the conversation never happened, and try to convince you that you are going mad and imagined it. That’s what my abuser would have done anyway. Gaslighting was always his favourite tool of manipulation. He might also try love bombing you – massive apologies, grand gestures of love, promises that everything is going to change. Or he might scare you into letting you stay – this could be anything from “no one else will ever love you” to “If I leave I am taking your kids and you will never see them again”. I would call women’s aid and get some advice on getting him out. If the house is yours and he isn’t on the mortgage/lease then you can have him removed by the police and get the locks changed. If he has a share in the house in some way it may have to be you who leaves. Women’s aid will be able to advise you on options. If you can’t get through on the national line it might be worth checking your local one if it has useful opening hours.
-
ive had a text from him in other room saying how much he loves me “more than i could imagine” and that we should get sleep now and sort tomorrow.
I dont want to sort any more. Im done sorting as that’s me just shutting up and i know i sound heartless and non compliant but how can you sort .
I feel sickthank you good advice i have left details for a call back from womens aid as i know in morning when safe to speak i will chicken out but when someone calls ill answer. This time i must ask practical advice. we rent jointly so i cant do anything
-
You can’t sort with an abuser. Only capitulate. It took me years to realise that. But it was always me who apologised. He could hit me and I would end up apologising for overreacting!
I left a joint tenancy – it wasn’t easy, I had to pay rent for a month or so after I left, but it is doable. You normally only have to give a couple of months notice to end a tenancy. You will be liable until the tenancy ends, but that shouldn’t stop you leaving. And women’s aid may have a way round the being liable thing. See what they say. Abusers put up all sorts of defenses to keep us where we are – joint contracts, lack of money, etc. But they can all be overcome. And even if you end up in a less financially stable place, then it’s worth it because you can regain an emotionally stable state, and from there you can rebuild. Once you are out, things get better – I haven’t heard of anyone who regrets leaving an abuser once the trauma bonding is overcome – but with an abuser things always get worse, and there are plenty of us out there (me included) who regret not getting out sooner.
-
Ahh yes thats exactly what I’ve done in past and even today . I’ve ended up apologising for not knowing when to shut up 🙁 I’m aching today where I fell when thrown and I actually realise he’s like reading a script from everything I’ve read and crammed in last few weeks yet I still hug him and say sorry. I have Gp on Friday for my depression but I’m worried now cus of bruising I can see appear I’m scared he will ask me and I’ll cry and they report me about children in home. He’ cme home early he started doing all the “ jobs “ that needed doing around house .
-
Seriously, photograph the bruises. Tell your GP. They can help you get out. It will help keep you and your kids safe when you leave. This man is physically hurting you, he’s putting you through emotional torture. You do not have to protect him by keeping silent and covering up for him. I am not necessarily advocating involving the police at this stage (I never summoned the guts to report my abuser), but you can reach out and get help. Your GP and Women’s Aid are good places to start. You deserve so much better than what you are going through now and unfortunately the only way it can get better is if you get out.
-
Dear Anonon
These are the exact same weird behaviours of my ex when he realised my eyes were opening and i did start speaking to some. He was suddenly offering to do things round the house, was setting up play situations with the kids and taking photos which he sent to his family, loads of stuff that all i experienced it as was he’s being really weird, why is he doing this, why that, just really really confusing, and only some long time after being out did I realise, and from reading posts like yours!
you are well ahead of me in the awareness stakes! good on you, you are doing so well to see all this stuff and know it for what it is.
Its going to help you so much to get all the advice and support you can now that he is more aware, as it can make the abuse escalate if he thinks he might be losing you. It might be good to talk about having distant plans together to throw him off a bit, might help to calm things a little for you all.
warmest wishes TS
-
Thanks ladies . I took pics I’ve half written something but I’m feeling .. well just not really feeling much if you get me. Like when things happen I’m either sad confused shaking and at least have a slight determination to 1: establishing if abuse 2: do something about it but I’m in this place mentally today of just ah it’s not that bad , back to just thinking ah he’s just in pain and in bad mind set. The years I’ve known him I’ve seen him slowly deteriorate and hate me more now I think of it . that makes me think I’ve contributed to his unhappiness like he says. He’s sat being so lovely with the kids right now albeit drinking as per normal but seeing that makes me just want to keep my mouth quiet everyday and just keep shutting myself in a room on the floor every night if it means that I don’t ruin the kids happy family .
-
make the most of some happiness wherever you can get it i say. Its great you’ve managed to take some pics and record things.
Your awareness is growing now, but the strength of feeling or thoughts you have will change from day to day, minute to minute, depending on his mood!
I am not saying you have to leave, only that what he’s doing isn’t right. Its damaging to you, like you say, over long-time it changes you hugely, and its damaging to the kids, despite all your best efforts to protect them, sadly, they will be thinking all this is normal.
we’re here for you whenever, and whatever you feel.
warmest wishes ts
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
