Is this the start of the cycle

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Hi I really need some advice and support.

Been split from my ex for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and it got terribly messy and I had to cut contact but since then he has been trying to contact me various different ways. I stupidly unblocked him on facebook and it’s all the sorry and how he is going to change and that he now realises that he’s half the problem. Which he has never admitted before and now tonight I get a message saying something on the doorstep and there’s a bunch of flowers which he never used to buy and a sorry note saying that from today he will show me how much he loves me etc my head is all over the place. I rang my local womans aid last week and I’m high risk but all this is making me think I’ve done the wrono thing. In the past when we have argued or split he never done this. But is he doing this because the only contact we have is over Facebook? I think I know the answer but he’s playing with my heart strings because no one has done this for me before. The letter was so lovely and the flowers are beautiful. Just wish I had the strength

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You do have the strength I can tell you do. He is panicking because you have exercised no contact snd you did it successfully. They will always try a way when other ones fail. I would recommend that you get onto the helpline as soon as you can so that you can discuss your options with them. Please keep talking to us because this is the most dangerous time. Don’t cut us off. He will not change I knew he wouldn’t and that’s why I left. I thought relationship counselling may help but I soon realised he could totally fake it to get me to stay snd spend the rest of his life making me suffer for it. I would rather be divorced than be with a man capable of that. They will never change they are incapable of being what we want them to be. They can switch on what they want us to believe them to be but you know my love that he isn’t what he’s pretending to be please don’t fall for it it’s a trap! He will do anything to keep his prey intact he will not want anything to get in the way of his power over you. This is far from love I’m sorry to break it to you but these men do not love anyone not even themselves because if they did they would have self respect and wouldn’t dream of behaving in this way. They literally have absolutely nothing! Call the helpline as soon as it is safe to do so xxxx

[Jennaflorrie]

My H used to buy me flowers….when we split up….when he sensed that I was on my way out the door….when he knew that I was thinking of escape. It is definitely part of the cycle. I can say that ….from my personal experience…..that they get you flowers and cards and act lovey dovey….to get you back. Once back….they soon revert to type. They probably think we are stupid. I certainly have been stupid.

You have done the hard bit and left…now…like giving up cigarettes…you have to hold on and wean yourself off him and his drama.

Just take it one day at a time. Don’t take the flowers in the house…give them to an old neighbour….rip up the care without reading it. See the wolf behind the sheeps clothing …knocking on your door.

They say the right things when they have to…but they love to live in trauma and drama and drag us into their crazy mad world. Stay out. Well done. xx

[Malaya]

Yes, it is all part of the cycle/ game.

Try and get yourself on the freedom programme to get a good insight into the abuse and the way we are conditioned. Hidden hurt is a website I like a lot too

Stay safe, stay strong. Block block block. He will be panicking that he isn’t in control and try all sorts of things to get your attention. Ignore it, all of it. You can do this x

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Thank you.
I know i know deep down but to hear it from others makes it more realistic. Like I said he’s never acted this way before in the past and he said he will do anything to make me happy. His abuse was more emotional and only really happened when we argued or when we had different views (mine being wrong of course). He said he recognised he is the problem too I suppose I’m just holding on to abit of faith and trust but silly old me feels terrible if I ignore him now especially after these flowers. I sometimes how how big hearted I am

[Malaya]

having a big heart and being loving makes you a beautiful person. Giving away all your love on someone who sucks it up like a sponge but doesn’t return it makes you vulnerable.

You deserve some of that love with respect too. He isn’t capable of giving you what you deserve, these men are missing the respect gene!

Fred west used to buy flowers for the girls he and rose brutally raped. Does that put it into perspective?

You stick to no contact and read about emotional abuse, and you’ll see more things dawn on you that he did to control you xx

[Suntree]

I think the bit that stood out for me in your post was I paraphrase. “Women’s Aid and you are HIGH RISK”

Please take notice of that.

How you would catch a frightened animal, you become calm, offer them something they want, are nice to them, tell them whatever they want or think they want to here. And slowly slowly reel them in until they can’t get away again.

Shouting and scream doesn’t work until they are so trapped they can’t get away.

Same tactics used on you.

I remember the change in tactics when my abuser didn’t get what he wanted. For the first time ever he would suggest we did things as a family, just us. I had been begging for years.

He did things with the kids, he was nice to me. That lasted all of a nano while as he was moving on to the next stage which was nasty as hell and made me look like the mad one and he was the caring normal one.

It was hell.

I have managed to have no contact for months a while back, he did it, he abandoned his kids, it was designed to hurt.
Kids went though abandonment and worry about him, was he dead etc. but with therapy help were starting to thrive.
I was breathing a sigh of relief the longer he stayed away the healthier they were.

Then out of the blue he turned up at their open day telling everyone how I had stopped him seeing them and how he was going to take them away.

Outcome of that, they knew Mummy was telling the truth, he wasn’t dead. They were emotional hurt so much one started to self harm after spending a short time in his company.

We are back in no contact, again his choice helped by me and my solicitor.

it has been explained to the children that if he wants to see them he is having to so some stuff for the courts and he is choosing not to.

This has taken away the guilt from the kids, “if they were better” “if they tried harder” etc and the responsibility of them trying to make him a “good” father to them and wondering why he has abandoned them.

Yes they still miss him, but that isn’t when they are happy, it is when they are emotional and overtired and having to struggle to do something they don’t like. Cause he would never have asked them to do it.

As For when someone says he never acted that way in the past, take it with a large pinch of salt and a knowledge that he will be acting like this again in the future.

Make it not you he keeps practicing on.

[Velveteenbun]

I think its a knee jerk reaction because he hasn’t got what he wanted.if they were horrible all the time it wouldn’t have the same effect.
They can be so charming and say all the right things and make all the romantic gestures but it doesn’t mean anything.he isn’t sorry he hurt you he is sorry you have left. It is really easy for people to tell you all this but its so hard when your ex is being so nice.
Don’t go back to him, don’t read his cards and give his flowers to someone else.
If he is anything like my ex he will be lovely and nice to you and then when that doesn’t work you will get the anger and vitriol back. It is like a mask but thry can only keep it in place so long because underneath thery are like a pressure cooker.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Stay strong hun, don’t doubt yourself as you e absolutely done the right thing and you know it. Call the helpline if you feel like you’re wobbling but you can do this!

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

UPDATE: I stupidly stupidly got back with him and fell pregnant within weeks, complelty unplanned. Weekend just gone he was arrested (detail removed by Moderator) and I have now finally realised he will never ever change. It was my birthday (detail removed by Moderator) and we went out for a meal (detail removed by Moderator) night, he done some cocaine before we ate and I confronted him he said its either that or I’m asleep by 7. He was very obnoxious, cocky, Jack the lad that night because he was splashing his cash, organised for my hair to be done the next day and make up (detail removed by Moderator). He embarassed me in front of friends and when I got home I went straight to bed. He stayed up drinking and doing coke. Next morning came downstairs and he was crashed out porn on telly so I looked through his phone and I found a message he sent to a girl of sexual content. I confronted him and the rest is history. I phoned police and he (detail removed by Moderator) but its all my fault and I’m completely to blame, apparently I messaged the girl at (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning to cause a row. I’ve stopped contact with my son and his bail conditions are to stay away which he has. Unfortunately though he hasn’t given me a wany money for rent or bills and now I’m so skint and awaiting benefit approvel. His mum is collecting his stuff (detail removed by Moderator) and I noticed a xmas card for one oof his sons from a previous relationship, I opened it and £ (detail removed by moderator) was in there, shall I keep this or not? I’m panicking about losing my home as I’m in arrears of over (detail removed by Moderator) due to his drug habit. I’m so stressed out and scared. Why did I get back with him why? Now another innocent baby has to grow up in this toxic environment. Hate myself

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