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    • #140383
      Rainydays
      Participant

      So sorry to burden you all again – another week of cruelness, my heart is raising, my arms ache, I feel sick and I just don’t want this life anymore.
      Everything is my fault and I mean everything – from the doctors not writing his prescription on time, to government initiatives for the poor soles in the Ukraine – it’s my fault, my government and I’m so tired.
      Tired that not once does he see I am at breaking point – constantly bombarding me with demands that I cash in my pensions so he can move and not work, demands of an ‘intimate’ nature that make me feel physically sick. I’m scared to talk because what I say will be wrong and I can’t stand the aggressive shouting – I’ve nursed him through (detail removed by Moderator) years of medical hell but not one acknowledgement – just how bad I am at it – when those around me are amazed at how well I’ve managed.
      I can feel my heart thumping in my chest as I write this – dreading returning home this evening, more shouting, screaming, abuse, being told how bad I am, what a useful human being I am – it goes on and on, it’s relentless – I can’t cope and I’m scared

    • #140384
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      My heart goes out to you it really does i can feel your pain I do feel your pain, am here too and i know that feeling i often just sit in my cartake a moment to just be, breathe calm yourself as best as you can.
      This cant go on it isnt good for you sweetie have you tried to reach out get some help and advice?
      A gp friend family member or even womans aid?
      You really dont have to live this way and you certainly dont have to face this alone.
      You are never a burden this is what this forum is here for so keep reaching out here and keep talking to us, we all know understand and feel your pain.
      Im rubbish at advice I really am but i didnt want you sitting there thinking you are alone cause you are not we got you.
      Deep breathing calm your racing heart and think about reaching out.
      Sending you so much love n hugs x*x

    • #140387
      Cornflake
      Participant

      Please seek advice and support from Women’s Aid and anyone in your family or friends that you can trust. You can do this and you are definitely not alone.
      Sending you love and strength. Xx

    • #140389
      Auriel
      Participant

      Rainydays you’ll never win with an abuser they’re extremely selfish, entitled creatures and have to have control at the expense of others (they’re either non caring of others wants/needs and dislikes or have an enjoyment of a really dark nature) this ‘is’ the way your life is right now but it doesn’t ‘have’ to be. you ‘can’ change it. Abusers use us in the same way parasites live on/in their hosts (they get all the benefits, we get the pain/draining and projections) don’t suffer anymore, speak to or message a domestic abuse support worker, it’s never too late never think that because you’ve been married a long time that your obligated for the rest of your life to tolerate him ✨🌟⭐️

    • #140415
      Rainydays
      Participant

      Thank you for your support.

      Feel so devoid of anything this morning, so deflated and just want to cry. I drove to work, sent him a text saying (detail removed by moderator) I was just trying to be nice, just trying not to say anything that would inflame him or cause more screaming and I failed again.

      Seems I fail at everything. The only thing I am managing to do is hold my job together (but then they don’t see me in tears in the toilet, sobbing quietly). I’ve even started wearing waterproof mascara so the tears are not so obvious.

      What did I do that was so wrong – I’m so scared and scared of being scared – think I am loosing my mind, I must be because I have no idea who I am – and now I have to go because I’m crying at my desk at work again and I can’t let people see ……..

      • #140442
        Auriel
        Participant

        Have a switch around and ask yourself does he deserve me? What he do for me/the relationship? Is he valuing me as the amazing kind sweet person I am? What is he doing to make this a balanced happy supporting relationship? And do I really need to be with a man who’s actions/lack of actions and blame shifting have reduced me to breaking down/suffering and trying to hide it and do I really need to be with someone who’s gaslighted me into state of identity loss? (This is really common in abuse) when you lose who you were and told your this that and the other and that you have to change (which is usually something they benefit from). He also sounds like a victim player which also plays on the guilt and obligation feelings. don’t suffer anymore no more 💖💞💖

      • #140479
        searchingforhope
        Participant

        So much of what you said @Auriel is so valid and helpful, thank you. xx

      • #140505
        Auriel
        Participant

        🥰🤗💖

    • #140416
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      He has worn you down rainydays, you haven’t lost your mind (I remember feeling what you describe and it is all consuming). No matter what you do it will not be enough, nothing you do or say will make any difference as he knows what he is doing and it is working. You are NOT responsible for him, his shortcomings, nothing. If you are being extra appeasing (I used to appease my soon to be ex husband and I nearly lost my own identity, for decades I believed that I was mentally unstable and I couldn’t survive in this world without him… how wrong was I, turns out I am not mentally unstable, his abuse made me feel that I was.

      You need support, do you have a GP you could talk to? Or Womans Aid chat live on here? Also Google FOG cycle, it is an abusive cycle they keep us in (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), once you get out of the fog you can see so much more.

      Keep posting ❤️

    • #140417
      Rainydays
      Participant

      Thank you ‘hereforhelp’ – I just want to get it right, so tired and drained all the time, forgotten who I was and, oh I’m going to cry again – I’m so scared and scared of him – I’d run but where do I run to and will I just be looking over my shoulder forever. Why is he doing this to me. I’ve given up years of my life to get him back to health, and I don’t want huge demonstrations of thanks – just a cuddle and to be told – ‘we’ll be okay’ – but that won’t happen will it because it’s never going to be okay. Life will never be okay again. Constant horrible texts telling me how rubbish I am at everything, the way I look, the way I dress, the way I speak and now demeaning how I was brought up, where I was brought up, everything I’m rubbish at – can’t cook, can’t drive, get the wrong things when I go shopping, (detail removed by moderator) don’t wear enough make-up, don’t keep the house clean – it just goes on and on and on, it never stops just never stops, so tired, so so tired

    • #140418
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      You can’t win lovely. Nothing, I repeat nothing will change and appease this man. You’ll just lose your own identity, money, friends, life basically. I’ve been there, as have so many of us on here we just keep trying, thinking what have I done, what can I do to make it better but again the answer is nothing. You are clearly a very caring, loving person and deserve so much more. If you can’t reach out just yet then please read books like Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’ or watch Dr Ramani on YouTube, life shouldn’t be like this but it takes time to recognise, accept, remove and recover- one step at a time. x*x

    • #140425
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      You don’t deserve to be treated that way. It doesn’t have to stay that way. You are clearly worn down and exhausted from it all. But you can change it. Please talk / chat to someone at Women’s Aid. They will help you and guide you.
      I know what it’s like to do your best and give everything you have to give and yet be told it’s wrong. It does feel like you are losing your mind, but I promise you you aren’t. You will get through it. You are strong enough. Minute by minute, hour by hour. You’ll get there.
      Sending you strength and love x*x

    • #140427
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      If you are waiting for him to eventually realise that you do love him, you are worthy and for any form of acknowledgement to hiw much you ha e done (because you are bonded to this man) it will NEVER happen. When I separated (it took 3 attempts) I couldn’t have done it without the support I put in place. Please contact you GP, Womans Aid. You can get help and they will listen to you and will not judge you.

      When mine first left I was terrified just like you, I was looking over ny shoulder (he threatened to kill me and the police were involved). Then he became a victim 🙄 suicidal etc…. I have now been told, by him, that he has been with someone else for some months (including when he was pretending to be suicidal).

      Do not trust your partner and do not underestimate him, your most powerful weapon is YOU know HIM and you know what he is like
      Lots of love ❤️

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