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Hello. Please please can somebody shed some light on this for me.
My daughter is staying with us for a few days. I see her very little as she lives a long way from me. Last night my partner and I were sitting in the living room (detail removed by moderator) All had been fine. Then my partner starts moaning yet again about the dog getting under his feet how he can’t move around the house without somebody or something getting in his way. Then he starts at me. I vape as does he and he smokes. He is also a recovering alcoholic. He said I am addicted and he doesn’t want to be around it. I ask him what I can do to help him and he gets funny with me. Says he doesn’t want me to do anything I have to want to help myself. I said I’m not ready to give up but will help by not vaping around him. (detail removed by moderator) All I saw was him trying to cause a problem as my daughter is here. He has done this before. Anytime I have something good going on he changes. He tries to cause a problem in his clever way. I went into the garden to have a vape so I didn’t feel uneasy doing it around him and to respect what he’s said. He came out. He then asked me why I’m outside and aren’t we spending anytime together. (detail removed by moderator) He said i should shut up and that he shouldn’t have opened his mouth and that he cares and doesn’t want to be around a partner who vapes all the time. I said so I’m out here trying to help. He said I cause a problem and he’s going to bed.
Please I don’t understand. I have always vaped he has always smoked. Why is it now a problem? Telling me I’m an addict and he doesn’t want to be around it. Am I missing something? I say what can I do to help? He didn’t like that? I go in the garden that’s wrong as now I’m not with him spending time? All I see is him trying to ruin my good mood having my daughter stay. He does it so often. Ambushes my happiness. His daughter comes every other weekend and I’m as good as gold struggling with my own emotions as I can’t see my daughter very often. Am I being unreasonable? What would you have said to what he said? He doesn’t want to be around a partner who vapes? I understand that that’s why I went in the garden. That’s wrong. -
You’ve hit the nail on the head when you said he’s trying to ruin your happy moment. It’s what they do. They can’t stand others being happy and they can’t stand not being your primary focus. The vaping is just a red herring, it’s the random item he’s jumped on to pick on you about, it could’ve been anything. He’s gaslighted you by denying what you know he said, he’s gone to bed sulking knowing you’ll sit & worry, and he’ll probably make it uncomfortable for your daughter and/or make a big show next time his child comes over.
He wants you to feel nervous, to adjust your behaviour- he’s toying with you like a cat with a mouse to see what you will / won’t let him get away with. Ignore him if you can and focus on your precious time with your daughter xx
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Oh thank you so much. And yes I am sat here this morning worrying. He’s now consumed my thoughts all morning. Worrying how he’ll be later when he gets home. He hasn’t messaged as he does every morning to let me know he’s got to work safely. I would usually have sent him a message by now trying to appease telling my side. I haven’t. I’m in knots. If I had caused a problem while his daughter was here my god he would fly at me. I know what’s happening. But it will all be my fault. He told me I was acting like he’d caused a problem opening his mouth that I was slamming around acting differently which I know I wasn’t. I’m now worrying that I can’t enjoy a vape in my own home I don’t know how to act or be around him yet again. I was upset as it had all come on the back of a moan about the dog. Scrambling for things to find to cause upset. Why couldn’t he just have spoken to me about it?
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Oh yes I remember all this, it causes such anxiety inside, describing it as knots is your stomach is a good description. He’ll either come home later and act like nothing has happened which will mess with your head and make you think you imagined it all or over reacted, or he’ll come back moody & blame you for something- again to mess with your head. Mine used to use all this as an excuse to go out drinking and taking drugs. Like you, all hell would’ve broken out if I’d dared been upset when his child was around.
Don’t text him, don’t pander to him when he does get home, do not beg for some kind of forgiveness or say sorry without knowing what on earth for. Go to bed early if he carries on, don’t sit there hoping he’ll be ok if you do. I know how hard all this is, we just want a quiet happy life but I learnt nothing I did would stop his tantrum so just do you. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ it helped me xx
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Yes I have the book and read it often. Tonight I acted normally when he got home. He acted normally too. While sitting in the garden he said he doesn’t have a problem with me vaping it’s just I do it all the time and there is always vape juice left all over the house. I had bought a disposable vape today and he said that won’t last a day and just picked and picked at me about it. I ignored it. He said he can’t say anything without me getting upset. I again ignored it. Now he’s walking around the house humming. I want to tell him how I feel. How I feel he could have had a conversation with me about this instead of the way he went about it. About how he picks looking for a reaction. I’m screaming inside. Crying inside. It’s the same pattern time after time. I’m trying so hard to stay in my lane. X
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Well done for staying calm. That humming is another common yet horrible action, it could be whistling or singing too – it’s so intimidating and a reminder they’re here don’t relax. You won’t be able to reason with him or have a logical/reasonable conversation sadly, that’s another of their cruel methods. If you try he’ll twist it all as you being the bad guy. Look after yourself. Hopefully this part will pass soon and you’ll get the nice part of the cycle for a bit xx
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Yes this is what they do, sabotage any happy moments we may have. You’re an adult who should be able to vape to your heart’s content (I do!) without feeling on edge about upsetting someone. He is being unreasonable and using anything he can to prove that you’re the problem (when you absolutely are not!). As you said, you tried to be considerate and vape outside yet you’re then accused of not spending time with him! My ex was exactly the same and I didn’t feel like I could ever do anything right. I just felt helpless.
I hope you manage to have some quality time with your daughter xx -
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