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I’ve been reflecting on my marriage for the last couple of weeks as some really bad stuff has happened. The last major incident was when my husband attacked me at the top of the stairs, although he denies this really happened. It led me to calling the police which has been thrown back in my face ever since. It has made me question whether I did the right thing but reading your stories and speaking to my family has made me realise that I was well within my rights to do so.
So it’s gone from this incident a couple of weeks ago and me feeling crippled that my husband tortured my mind by practically making me beg him to come home and not accepting that he has done anything wrong and all the blame is lying with me. I wanted him home so badly that I let it go but deep down I knew I wasn’t happy with the outcome and it was just like sticking a plaster over everything rather than resolving it.
Due to the said incident, I had a call from social services to basically ask me what we had put in place to make sure this doesn’t happen again, especially if it affects the children. I told them that he was back home but has promised to get help with his drugs and alcohol intake – stupidly, I thought this was the reason/excuse as to why he has been treating me so badly. Social services also rang him the other day to basically give him a warning before they have to take things further. Well, he went absolutely ballistic at me, again blaming me for causing all this and not taking any responsibility at all.
It was then like a lightbulb moment and I had complete clarity on the abuse that I have suffered at his hands over the last few years. It’s been relatively small stuff that I have just let him get away with but in the last couple of months this has really escalated to the point where I expect something bad to happen every day.
So now I am in the other bedroom, thinking things through. Told him it’s over. So can someone please tell me why I am still wearing my wedding ring and deep down I know it’s not the end? It’s as if I think to myself, if he acknowledges what he has done then maybe we can try and move forward. But even if he does, so people like this ever change? I don’t just want to give up on my marriage.
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Google ‘cycle of abuse’.
Ring the helpline and get in touch with your local women’s aid.
Walking on egg shells. Frightened of your partner. Confusion. All due to abuse. You’re traumatised, trauma bonded. You need to talk it through with women’s aid who understand the coercive control you’re under. Even when you don’t. Would you allow your friend/sister/daughter/mother to be treated this way? -
Thank you KIP. So I looked up cycle of abuse, and that is definitely what has been happening. Milder for the last couple of years but more prevalent in the last few months, going through that cycle quicker and more often.
I can see him for what he has. We have just sat down to talk as I wanted to sort out living arrangements. This time I was so calm as I could see exactly what he was trying to do – with his manipulation. I was just laughing to myself inside thinking I know what you’re trying to do!
I am very proud of myself. We’ve made an arrangement that hopefully will work for both of us. He has gone now. I could see it in him how frustrated he was getting with me acting completely different to the usual pathetic, begging wife I am. It riled him, I could see it. But now he has gone I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I have taken my wedding ring off.
I don’t know if this will be forever, whi knows. But this is the first time in months I have felt in control of my own destiny.
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Well done for seeing through it and taking back your power. I just want to check that you are safe? Because leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. There are domestic violence safety plans online so you can plan options in case he comes back or tries to hurt you. I don’t want to alarm you, I was just thinking that it’s unusual for an abuser to leave so calmly, unfortunately they don’t usually take kindly to us trying to end things because it means they lose their power over us which they cannot stand.
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I do feel safe, maybe I am naive about it but I think he probably thinks give it a couple of days and I’ll be begging him back. That has happened before and I really hope I can stay strong this time. For the first time ever, I looked at him sat on “his” chair, and was disgusted with him, it was as if I could see right through him.
I need to stay strong but I’m worried. I need to make sure I keep coming back here and reading comments.
Thank you for your concern.
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What helped me was building up a good support network, because in an abusive relationship they isolate and dominate us to that they become our only ‘support’ making it harder for us to leave them. I contacted friends, started attending a support group, and rang the local domestic abuse support line as well as samaritans and women’s aid. Whenever I felt sad, lonely, depressed, suicidal etc I just contacted one of these people or organisations it helped me stick to no contact.
Have you written down/typed up a document of all of the abuse? In the relationship I started writing down the things he was doing to clarify if it was abuse or not, this helped me enormously and I ended up later using it as evidence for the police because he started to harass me after I left him.
If you haven’t written it out do that as soon as you can, it will help you see clearly during the sad/nostalgic and lonely moments when you are more likely to take him back. It’s easy to slip back into denial but it can be very dangerous too.
I’m glad to hear that you are safe, well done for taking these positive steps forward 🙂
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I’m struggling this morning. It’s been ( detail removed by moderator) nights of us deciding to split for good. (detail removed by moderator) since he moved out. I’ve got my 2 daughters here which is helping me through. But as I feared, I am starting to miss him even though yesterday I was absolutely fine, was glad to see the back of him. Today I woke up with a feeling of dread. Not sure how I deal with it.
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The loneliness and missing him is totally normal. After an abusive relationship you have to mourn the person you thought they were at the beginning, so it’s like a normal breakup in that way. But I found it a lot more painful because you also have to process and heal from the abuse. And the abuser has weakened you, isolated you, made you dependent on them so it feels even harder. You are trauma bonded to them and miss them, like a drug you feel like you need them.
In time the trauma bonds dissolve, you gain in strength and realise that not only can you survive without them, you can thrive which they were preventing you from doing. But it doesn’t happen overnight.
Do you have friends, family, support you can access? People to meet up with and talk?
Is the dread feeling that he is going to return or is it more about loneliness? -
I do have people but my mum is on holiday at the moment which is hard. I feel like I don’t want to tell anyone else yet as it is so new and raw. Tbh I don’t want to look like a fool neither if I take him back.
Something in me still stays he can change, but it will be too late for us once he has actually realised what he has done.
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Hi, I have recently read “women who love psycopaths” by Sandra L Brown and honestly the last few chapters about what happens at the beginning, middle, end and after these relationships hit the nail on the head for me. This author really really gets it.
When you manage to get out of one of these relationships it is not like a normal break up, you are haunted by the times they were nice and by thoughts of how things could have or could be different , confused and frightened by the abuse, your self esteem is destroyed.
I am recently out and I am fighting two battles. One to try stay safe so he doesn’t hurt me again and another battle with my own brain which keeps playing tricks on me… “He was my best friend, soul mate, love of my life etc etc”. Leaving and staying out is worth it but it’s a daily struggle. The people on this forum get it. We are all here for. You Xx -
I had the ‘lightbulb’ moment and like u from then on everything he said i was rolling my eyes at inside thinking i know what your trying to do. I have been left a while now and still sometimes crave that company and we still talk because we have a child together but i am much more aware of when to cut conversations short and i know when he’s trying to manipulate me. I have to constantly think of how it was when we were together. The anxiety, walking on eggshells, feeling isolated! Because sometimes i wonder if it really was that bad. But i have spoken to friends and my mum. I’ve written things down and i look back at that and remember how horrible i felt. I’m sure it will get easier just talk to.people and especially contact womens aid for support! They were great!! Everyone here has time for u too whenever you need to talk! X
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What you described Alicenotinchains is exactly how I’ve been feeling about my ex too. On the one hand you know they are most likely a psychopath and will probably kill you if they stay with them, but it doesn’t stop your heart from missing them at times and remembering the good times. I can understand how crazy it seems to people who’ve never experienced it as it’s so illogical.
Shouldistayorgo it sounds like you are also stuck in that confusion between knowing he’s abusive but wanting him to be different. What helped me was remembering that I’d probably end up dead if I stayed with my ex, surely we deserve more than that? These relationships are not about love, they are about control. They use every trick in the book to confuse and brainwash us, you have to access your inner truth and inner strength which will be a little voice telling you what you need to do. It is fear sadness, loneliness and confusion that leads us back to them and their world of pain, but intuition, truth and strength lead us onto the right path, we just have to access it from within and listen to its guidance.
Also, if you can tell people you trust about it it tends to help because abuse thrives in secret, I found people very supportive when I told them and they helped me to stay away from my ex because if I was feeling weak and lonely I would ring them instead and they would remind me why I ended it. x
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Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. It really has been a massive help
When I start thinking about him, I come on here instead.My sister came round yesterday when I was having a bad day. What really hit home was when she struggled to hold back her tears when I told her about the last incident. That made me realise that actually, I’m not being a drama queen that he is making me out to be. She also said something very important, and embarrassingly something I have not thought about in the last couple of weeks and my own selfish emotions have taken over. She said “I don’t mean this to sound harsh but it doesn’t really matter what you feel about him right now, it matters what is happening around your two girls and how it’s affecting them”.
My god that really hit home when she said that.
Today has been a really good day actually. I’ve spent time with family and my girls and smiled and laughed. Tomorrow I have to see him when he comes for my youngest. So no doubt I will be back on here with a range of new emotions!
Thank you all for listening to me and helping.
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This is all normal what you are feeling I have so been there too. Even after I moved out I still had feelings of it not being over. I kept thinking he could change and clinging on to hope that he would. Speak to friends, so glad you are speaking to your sister and having a better day. Get that support network around you, read up about abuse (that really helped me) also writing things down helps. I always right down what happens in an abusive episode so when I am wavering about leaving him for good I re-read what’s happened to remind myself. And when you can make some clear reasons in your head about why you are leaving. We are all here for you, stay strong big hug!
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