Isolation…

[NotYourMaid]

I keep hearing how abusers isolate their victims.

But my husband never did.

But I feel like I isolated myself. Especially these past few days, when I’ve been feeling worse and worse. More scared, more depressed…

I just… don’t want to see people anymore.

Even small, harmless things hurt now.

Seeing people being happy hurts so much.

I just… want to curl up in a ball… away from all humans…

At first, when I realized my husband was abusive, all men slowly started to feel like monsters… so I stopped talking to my father and my brother. A part of me knows that they’re not monsters… my brother especially is really nice. And he and I used to be close.

But now…

I just don’t want men near me…

But recently, I’ve started to feel the same way about women…

And it’s make me isolate myself.

I don’t want to be around anyone.

I mean, I was already pretty isolated because my husband doesn’t really give me money… so even if I DID want to, I can’t.

It probably doesn’t matter, since I don’t have money, and therefore can’t really interact socially with people…

…I just don’t like all these new mental health problems that my situation is creating…

[lover of no contact]

Hi there,

Please keep posting, that’s so important. You’re feeling the way you do because you’re being badly abused, mentally, emotionally, financially etc. None of this is your fault. It’s natural when you are being abused (and especially because he’s starving you) to have no energy to do anything except survive. You’ve ended up in this abusive situation feeling trapped.(As I did many years ago). He’s not going to change. You’re the only one who can change the abusive situation by walking away. It’s how to get to that point. I know you don’t want to leave the country you’re living in with him and get a flight back. I remember you said your family may not help you. Is there anyone at all you could couch surf for a while. Have you much clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments, miscellaneous stuff that you need to take with you. How would you feel if you walked out the door away from your abusive husband never to come back and never to see him or the place you’re living in again. I’m not asking you to answer these questions to me I’m just bringing the obstacles to leaving out onto the table to be looked at. Any of us can walk out the door and never come back but there’s certain things that are harder to let go of that we can all explore and give our experience on today.

Keep posting and I hope you have enough food to eat today and this week.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Just seconding everything lover of no contact has said.
Thinking of you, and wish you weren’t going through this. X*x

[NotYourMaid]

@ lover of no contact,

I can leave all my things. While something have sentimental value, I have come to value my safety and food much, much more than things. I know he isn’t going to change. I know that things will only get worse. They are getting worse.

Because they did get worse, I asked my family for help again. They said no. My mother told me that I just need to think more positively! So I recently decided that I no longer have the emotional capacity to talk to my family. Not right now. If I survive this, I’ll probably talk to them again. But not right now. Not when everything inside of me feels like it’s bleeding.

The only reason that I haven’t left is because of the visa. It’s directly connected to him. I need a job to change visas. But I’ve failed all my interviews because of language reasons. But because of the isolation and lack of money, I’m having difficulty immersing myself in the language enough to get better. I am taking free classes though.

I was going to explain my plan for escape, but after I wrote it here, for some reason it scared me, so I erased it. It was such a basic plan too, with no details. The problem is, things are getting worse, rather quickly, so I need a new plan.

But I just… sort of lost hope recently… so I haven’t made a new plan yet…

@EvenSerpentsShine

Thank you! This forum is the only thing right now that is helping me get though each day.

Thank you both for reaching out.

[lover of no contact]

It’s good you had a plan and yes good you listened to your gut to keep your plan to yourself. That’s good you feel you could walk away from where you’re living and the abuse but it’s a real blow that you can’t get support from your family. You mentioned your brother being supportive, I’m sure you’ve explored that option too.

Just wondering if you have the money for the flight away from him as it seems you’ve tried for supports in this different country you’re living in to no avail. Then the visa being tied to him does this mean you can’t leave the country or is there a way around that? I’m sure you’ve checked with the embassy.  Could you ask your embassy for advice on what to do in your situation. I mean he hurt you a while ago and with that and his other abusive behaviours you’re in real fear of him and your gut is telling you you’re very much not safe. It might be worth asking for help from them. Please keep persevering and asking for help. Maybe try the live chat on here also. And keep posting.  Could your brother lend you money for food or is that not an option. Please keep posting your thoughts & feelings on here as often as you need to maintain your strength.

[NotYourMaid]

I’m thinking of contacting the embassy. I just don’t really want to. It’s kind of stupid. I feel like if I go back, it will be admitting to failure. That I couldn’t overcome anything, and that I am weak.

I know it’s a stupid thought…

This is why I’ve been putting off contacting my embassy. I just don’t want to feel more weak and broken than I already feel.

[lover of no contact]

You don’t have to act until you’re ready, but I think it’s essential for your safety to be getting all your ducks in a row. And getting in touch with the embassy is another bit of action. When we feel trapped & stuck taking any bit of action keeps us moving forward. Acceptance is hard, that things were not as we thought they were. That the ‘nice’ side of them is fake, that our hopes & dreams of the future we thought we’d have is not how we thought. So much grieving & letting go we have to do. It’s not easy but we have this safe place here to talk about it and yes so hard the accepting that we couldn’t make it work. But it’s nothing on us & everything on them as they have contempt for us(& all others) so a relationship with them can never work.

[NotYourMaid]

Yeah… you’re right. I need to keep trying. Some days, or to be honest, some months, are just harder, to find the will to keep pushing forward.

Anyway, I just contacted another domestic violence NGO, so hopefully this one will actually help. But I’ve had that hope crushed so many times that, I donno, I’m trying to not have any strong hopeful feelings.

[StrongLife]

I understand this. I to at times have felt isolated. It is isolating as the ex’s drama takes over this even after you have left. It calms down. I went out to cheap social things ie coffees etc. Met people on and off on my terms. It’s different life afterwards.

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