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    • #135900
      anotherlife
      Participant

      I just feel like I need to post in here, to say that our mindset can change for the better. I think for me it is mainly time that helps and when I can get peace and quiet.
      I’ve been apart from my abusive ex husband for several years now, after over (detail removed by Moderator) together. All my love for him was gone after the way he’d treated me and the kids, the way he scared us, intimidation, such a long list. I know he’s an insecure n*********. I still have too much contact because my kids see him, other stuff that shouldn’t happen, feels like I’ll never br free.
      But hey, I do actually feel free. He’ll never touch me again. I can look him in the eye and not be scared (admittedly he’s on a nice spell at present). I have problems with my youngest who is rather like him and sometimes life feels like hell. But I have not missed him fir one minute since he finally left, I can smile every day knowing I am not with him and will never be, the heavy feeling in my head is finally starting to lift. I have dreadful anxiety but I know this is due to him and the after effects with the kids. I know I can sing and dance at home, that I can talk about love and happiness with mh friends and family, that I can praise people and see the good things about them, I can listen to music I love, wear what I like (finally, very slowly, feeling I can wear something a little nice or want to look good formyself), I’ve found a part time job at last, somewhere I love, not spending years and years in my old job because he didn’t want me to leave. I don’t believe any of the nasty things HD used to say about me or my family. It’s almost like none of it matters as I can really see now what kind of man he was all along, and all the red flags at the start of our life together that I just didn’t know were red flags or insecurity or jealousy.
      I’ve gone on a bit here. I just wanted to day really (somehow! 😊), that although it was awful, and I thought I’d never get out, and that it’d just never feel better, it can and it does. Please believe it lovely ladies. Days will go up and down and so will life, but there can be immense peace of mind and clarity once they are gone. If it wasn’t for my kids, I’d move and completely cut ties, but I’m doing better than just surviving, I’m living and laughing and loving (my family & friends, no partner, no way!).
      Wishing you all strength and joyous moments x

    • #135903
      Bestchance07
      Participant

      Thank you for this, such a positive post!

    • #135908
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      What a beautiful post thank you so much for sharing. Some days this is so hard so very hard and we cant see ahead wont allow ourselves to believe what life could be out there i guess shod we choose to leave. I needed to be reminded that there could be hope out there today.
      Thank you stay strong and keep healing xx

    • #135947
      anotherlife
      Participant

      Thank you both 💓 It truly is hard nbumblebee, but the moments of peace are priceless. Just simple things, gosh they keep coming back to me, how nasty he was when I thought it was just his temper and trying to keep things calm. Instead of loud violent TV or films, I cam have music on and dance around! Literally bop or float around the lounge! It’s honestly the feeling of joy that this is my life and he’s not here!
      I really need to stop being nice though and tighten my boundaries. Just because he’s pikote and in a good mood, doesn’t mean I’m his friend and he can message me (detail removed by Moderator) years after separation! But I let my guard down, think it’s for the kids, but I’m letting him control me still, him pretending he’s co-parenting.
      Never getting in my head though. One saying is ‘ no sense, no feeling’, but I’ve got sense and no feelings!
      I don’t know what I’m going on about really, think just processing a bit.
      Oh the joy though, he’s not here! Joy every day!
      Keep going ladies, it’s our only way to find where we can actually get to. Strength and comfort to you both x 💗

      • #135949
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Anotherlife its posts like yours that keep me going. Hope that i can one day get out hope that one day I will be me again.
        I can sense its not easy and my gosh im sure you have many hard days but i also feel the joy in your heart when you talk about your freedom, I so want that joy.
        You are an incredable lady keep being strong keep righting keep loving yourself and keep living that amazing free life and please keep posting Its giving me hope and im sure many others on here too.
        Sending you much love and hugs xx

    • #135975
      anotherlife
      Participant

      nbumblebee, only just seen your reply. I can’t imagine what you’re living with and coping with, but I really feel for you and wish you so much strength, insight and love. If I had only seen the women’s aid display in a local centre manh years ago, I’d have known I was being mistreated, every time I see it I can hardly believe I had no idea & that I thought it was just bad temper etc. So many women need helping and supporting.
      I hope you have support and are finding your way. Thanks for your lovely comments, it’s honestly so nice to share such moments in life, as the only people that really understand what I’ve been through & still am, are the friends I made through women’s aid groups a few years ago. I honestly love these women, our bond is strong and supportive, but there’s also such laughter and humour.
      I think my ex is a really insecure person and still can’t let go. I’ve had a nice Christmas card from him, first since since we separated, why the h*** would I want that and his condescending words, passed on to me by my youngesr after a day with him. I can tear it up with the kids around as I try to be level and calm and neutral. But it’s going in the recycling very soon. Seriously, such a controlling ego maniac. Gosh why am I writing this on Christmas day?!
      I’m writing it because I’m awake and thinking. But hey, for you, some love & support, and talk of some joys for a few mins before I go to bed. I wear necklaces now, after years of covering my neck with scarves as I had got so nervous and anxious about being touched, I love my necklaces that I’ve had for years and years but rarely worn. I occasionally paint my nails now, but hadn’t bothered much with myself the last few years. I’m actually going to wear a dress on Christmas day (today!) and not worry what anyone else thinks, just a casual laid back charity shop find, but will make me feel good.
      I had a lovely walk a few days ago, all wrapped up and peaceful, and could spend as long as I wanted watching a kingfisher (I hadn’t seen one in years), just standing and smiling, it really Brought me joy.
      I struggle at home as this was our family home & such bad memories,but we’re safe here for a few years and I’m thankful for that and that I am managing. I’m so thankful for life and just the peace I can feel. I hope I’m not going on too much, I just wanted to share to inspire you again. I hope you are seeking support where you need it and can see a way forward somehow. I know every situation is different snd when I look back to how it was for me, it was unbelievably hard just trying and trying to split up and getting him away from me. I honestly don’t think he’ll ever let go, but it’s up to me to keep my guard up and not give him any headspace, as just the card is enough of a way for him to try to get my attention and into my mind.
      Thinking of you with love & heartfelt strength wished to you. I’m so strong with my feelings that other women, every woman, deserves peace and freedom. One day at a time. Be safe and I wish you a lovely day today, thr best it can ve at the moment 💗🌸

    • #136361
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Thank you so so much for this @anotherlife.
      The peace and joy from the simple things you describe (although wow a kingfisher! So beautiful, they are a rare thing to see, it must have known it was safe in your company) I’m so so looking forward to the time when I can feel at peace and free.
      Sending love xx

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