It does get so much better after leaving

[Janedoeissad]

Hi all

I left my abusive partner (detail removed by Moderator) years ago now. Some days it still feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I still have anxiety that can cripple me at times and still have bad days. I am working on that and I am having counselling and CBT which I cannot recommend enough, it’s life changing.

HOWEVER, I have met a new man who could not be more different to my ex. He is kind, considerate, quiet and gives me space and time to myself. He may not understand the mechanics of domestic abuse but he supports me when I am having a bad day and quite happily points out where my ex was wrong. He tells me I am not selfish or any of the other things my Ex believed me to be. There are no egg shells to walk on and he is clever enough to know when I am being over accommodating and calls me on it and asks me to state what I want (Its a very weird feeling to state your needs when you have been used to just “doing what you are told”, but it gets very liberating after a while).

So for all those thinking of leaving or who have just left and feel like life will never be “normal” again. I’ll just say do not chase the normal you used to have, embrace the new normal and make room for something even better. If someone would have told me when I was with my ex that I would go through hell only to find an better life on the other side. I would have left a lot sooner.

And without the ladies on this site I would have never, ever have left, I know that for certain. So that you once again ladies.

[KIP.]

Wow. Thank you for such an uplifting post. I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard work in the beginning but we are everything without them and they are nothing without us 💪onwards and upwards 💕

[MeOnScreen]

Hi Jane Doe

Thanks for sharing. I left a few years before you however stupidly went back a few times.
He’s now moved on with another woman who is pregnant with his second child (the woman’s first). He’s doing his best to hide it from me as well but someone told me in conversation.
I was feeling great before I found out the above fact. It really triggered all the emotions back again. Think I’m just imagining him having the perfect relationship whereas I’m currently not sleeping at night, have hardly any appetite and thinking about him a lot.
I too am incredibly lucky and have the most amazing man who listens to me and tries to understand, although I do feel he deserves someone better then me and my emotional flashbacks.

Was wondering how long you’ve been having CBT? I tried going to person-cantered therapy however don’t think it really helped long term.

Thinking about looking at books as well.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks KIP. I know I would have wanted motivation when I was with my Ex so thought I would give a view of a really positive day.

MeOnScreen, I have been having counselling (but not person centered as that did not work for me either) and CBT for over a year now. I was having the sessions very regularly but I have reduced them over time and plan on stopping them when I can do the CBT myself and know how to work with my anxiety and PTSD rather than against it. My counsellor has experience of working with abuse survivors and I think that is important. I am slowly learning that I am not my anxiety, that I can regain control if I catch it early enough (before it moves to full blown panic and meltdown) and that in the presence of the right people, I barely notice it as I feel loved and supported. Something I have not felt for a long time.

More importantly MeOnScreen, know that you 100% deserve all the kindness and support someone gives you. I am learning that being supported is good and asking for support is more than OK. I’ve had a few emotional meltdowns with my new man and I try to explain everything properly when the anxiety as gone again (pointless explaining when its still ongoing as reason and logic have gone out the window!).

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