It feels like it will never be ok.

[Eggshells]

It feels like I’m never going to get back on my feet. I’ve been struggling since the moment I understood that I was in an abusive relationship. First a horrendous divorce then loosing my home, my job and leaving my friends behind to escape from him. I managed to quickly get myself a job but it was only temporary – a maternity cover. I set myself up in a rented house and have had both of my children with me during the second lockdown. I really felt I was moving forward.

Now it’s all gone to pot. The lady I was covering for has decided not to come back. I applied for the permanent position and have just been told that I didn’t even make the shortlist. So in a few months time I will be homeless and jobless again and now I have the added impact that I’ve basically just been told that I’m rubbish at my job.

Where do I go from here? How do I pull myself back from this. Once I’m homeless again, I won’t even have my sons, or my much loved pet, to surround me with love. I feel utterly hopeless. This struggle has gone on for years. I am exhausted and I have no hope left in me. it’s never going to be ok.

[maddog]

Firstly, you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Your employer sounds like the rubbish one. They could have trained you more appropriately, they could have given you feedback. They could have done any number of things.

I’ve done jobs when people have wondered what I am doing in that position. If your face doesn’t fit, it’s not personal. You’re not at fault. When everything seems to be going against us, it feels as though it is our fault.

You’ve done so well reaching out here. There are people in real life who will support you as well. I’m exhausted as well. Please don’t blame yourself for the actions and behaviour of others. The sense of exhaustion will pass.

Much of it may be bound up in past experience like a kind of flashback. It doesn’t mean your feelings and experience aren’t real at the moment. You have moved on so much and achieved so much during that time.

There are some meditations on Netflix (WHAT?????) which are apparently very helpful.

Trauma may not leave us but we can find ways of coping with it. You have a light to shine in this dark place, however small. This time, you’re not falling into the abyss. You may be able to see it, and it may be terrifying. Please remember that this moment will pass. xx

[Eggshells]

Thank you Maddog. That helps.

I’ve been following your posts so I know that you are also having a rough time at the moment. Thank you so much for finding some time and space for me.

There seem to be so many people who desperately need help at the moment with massive issues going on. I feel abit bad that I posted now but I am really, really grateful to you for responding.

[Lottieblue]

Dear Eggshells,

You have been such a massive source of strength for me, I really hate to read this. Maddog is right re your employers – what a kick in the teeth.

I don’t think I’m any good at the “wise words” that so many on here are able to give, but hang on in there. I am so very sorry that things are so tough for you. You just don’t deserve it. But I know that you are an amazing person, I really do, and I believe that things will come good for you. Please keep us posted, and hang on in there.

Lots of love x*x

[maddog]

We’re all in a storm, and sometimes it feels bitterly lonely in our own little boats. We can bring our boats together and ride the waves. The storm will pass. We will get through this one. There is dry land. It’s just hard to see when we’re being crushed by the waves. We can’t make the waves go away, but by joining our little boats together, we can lessen the impact.

[Eggshells]

Thank you ladies. I have to go to work now on 4 hours sleep and feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t even like the job very much. I just wanted the safety and stability it offered. I’m going to like it even less now.

[Author]

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