It happened a long time ago! Am I the problem?

[Mumtopaws]

When I was just (detail removed by Moderator) years old my uncle strangled me until I went unconscious. I told my parents at the time and I wasn’t believed. I even became the laughing stock of the family. Got told numerous times by different family members that I was a lier and I should be ashamed of myself. I’ve suppressed my emotions about it for (detail removed by Moderator) years and forced myself to be around him at family gatherings etc. It’s made me feel worse about him and the situation as a whole.
(detail removed by Moderator) someone told him I was referring to him as an abuser. I still don’t know who it was. It created an issue and I’ve again been told how I’m a disgrace for lying and bringing up ancient history. As well as being told I should’ve said at the time instead of bringing it up all these years later. I’ve also been told that he never made other family members feel unsafe.
I’ve been made out as if I’m the issue and my family of origin seems to think because it’s easy for them to pretend it never happened it’s easy for me. It’s the elephant in the room and I have no support for it at all. I don’t want him near me but my family expect me to be near him.
(detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t get him a Xmas present because I didn’t see the point anymore but my mother got him one in my name. Even after I told her I didn’t want to get him anything. She went behind my back and got him something in my name anyway. Even after seeing how upset I was in Christmas Day over it continued to give it to him because it was easier for her.
Dreading this Christmas as I know he’ll come around (detail removed by Moderator)
I want to go no contact with him but I know my family aren’t going to respect it and will force me to have contact. My family are only interested in what is easier for them. They don’t care how I feel and are more concerned about how he feels.
I’m considering getting a restraining order but don’t know if I’d get one as there isn’t any evidence and not sure if I’d want to go to court either.
Help! I’m confused, lost and I don’t know what to do.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Mumtopaws,

Welcome to the forum. You are in the right place and no, you definitely are not the problem. I remember that feeling well when a whole family group takes the side of the abuser. It’s awful, and it’s added emotional pain on top of the abuse by the abuser. Know that you are not alone and this seems to be the typical pattern of family members when they are in close proximity to an abuser. They usually align themselves with the abuser. Not all families, but in my experience it seems to be the norm. The pain of being not only abused but then dismissed by others when we need their caring and support. The family should be ostracizing the abuser,not you who was abused so dangerously by him. You could have died. The family members who have aligned themselves with the abuser can’t be reasoned with, it’s a reflection of them. It’s who they are. They have let themselves down. If your daughter came to you and told you she’d been strangled by your brother or your husband’s brother, you know you would not have reacted like your family and made fun of your daughter and not offer any support but actually abuse her further. You can’t change them, you can only reach out to people who will support and believe you so you can heal from this double abuse from a whole family system. So keep posting on here all your thoughts and feelings about it all.

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
So I was abused sexually by a close family member (detail removed by moderator) Over the years my mum has tried and tried to get us together to be a big hapoy family and i ised to try but i couldnt get the rage the hurt out of my head. I was also raped by another family member and never told a soul as i wasnt believed the first time. Since seeing a counsellor ive now learned that i dont have to see these men i can say no and I do.
I have no contact with either family parties etc i dont go to unless i want to and then i avoid them i stay away its not always easy nor possible these men dont believe they did anything wrong but I know I know what they did and to me thats what matters.
I am living with a not so nice husband and have never told him or anyone out of this forum and my counsellor and i dont think I ever will shame doubt fear will always follow me but I can help myself like you can by saying No by staying away your family like mine want whats easy they want that picture perfect family life which isnt real you dont have to allow them to have it. Set boundries believe that you deserve to feel safe and heard sweetie because you do xxxxx

[Mumtopaws]

Thank you both,

I feel incredibly angry about their response to it. I’m aware that this is the norm response for many families being aware didn’t prepare me for it. I’m angry that I’m even angry about their response or lack thereof.
I’ve tried to seek support but couldn’t find it anywhere. I’ve bottled up so many emotions over the years that I don’t even know how I feel half the time. It’s not quite numb but like I can’t describe how I feel. Don’t know if it’s because I was numb for so long and don’t remember how each feeling feels or just a different type of numbness.
I’m not hoping to change my family as they’ve made it completely clear that they just don’t get it and are happy for him to continue to be around me and me to be at greater risk.
I would just like to not worry so much about how they’re going to react to my boundaries and feel like I’m not so alone; fighting an army.

[lover of no contact]

Yes you are fighting an army. So unfair how the majority always side with the abuser. That’s my experience, I see it in the workplace,the family etc. I think they lack courage to do the right thing. Yes abusers usually have an army of people supporting them. But with time I’ve managed to accept this. I lost a whole family system (my ex’s). It hurt alot and it’s taken me alot of time to heal from it but now I’ve accepted it. That’s their choice. Anger and rage are natural responses. You will work through them. Keep reading the posts on here and posting. It really does help.

[swanlake]

Thinking of you, I’m so sorry that this is happening.
I’ve had trauma focused counselling for abuse and I’m waiting for another round. It felt different to other counselling that I’ve had as breathing exercises, thinking ‘will this matter in 6 months time’ etc I did not find helpful for dealing with massive life altering trauma though good for dealing with other things. I’m also not sure how I feel about my abuse, maybe numb, maybe just desperately sad.

[StrongLife]

I’ve had this happen twice where a family group does this. It appears that it is common I’ve been told.

First time I left after being blamed endlessly for yrs with no help. Finally the abuse became my fault. They did not realise who the perpetrator was and blamed the innocent party.

Same thing occurred the 2nd time but I did not leave my kids.

Abuse was the reason, I recognised it and sort help myself.

With the present, as a child I got the present (not allowed that I did not get present) – I signed it my name only no “love” or signs of affection- present was generic present. Cannot remember what the present was now.

I gave counseling a go.

I hope this helps.

[wildgeese]

I have recently decided to go no contact with my parents. It has been a very difficult decision and not one I took lightly. Sometime ago i went to counselling and it emerged that my mother had physically and emotionally abused me. I was in shock but things all started to make sense- i began to see why i was like i was, why i struggled with self esteem, anxiety, friendships and so on. Then i realised I needed to make a decision – should i tell her or just carry on as before? At first i went grey rock. I continued to be a good daughter, phoning, listening but giving little away. However, i ended up in tears when i put the phone down everytime I had contact. So i decided to write a letter explaining gently about the abuse and how it had affected me. A letter came back which told me off for accusing her, she was in disbelief. At the end she apologised in a very general way which left me very confused- which did she mean? I then waited for her to contact me to sort it out properly. But she never did. I attempted to phone her once about it, but she just said that i wanted to blame her for (detail removed by Moderator) I could see that this conflict was not going to be resolved. I tried to go minimum contact and hardly saw my parents. And then she started to send friendly texts. I was happy at first until i suddenly thought- hang on, we are not reconciled. You just want to sweep this under the carpet. I was outraged. I sent a text back explaining and then i blocked her. I still held out hope that she might send me a loving letter, saying sorry and wanting to make amends. Nothing. Then at (detail removed by Moderator) I felt bad and decided to phone (detail removed by Moderator). I had a 2 minute chat with my mum and during the conversation she managed to behave like the victim and i ended up feeling sorry for her. The next day I felt so low- like what was the point in anything. I realised that this form of gaslighting where the abuser creates the dynamic where you are the abuser and they are the victim is very, very destructive. I reluctantly decided that i could not do this any more. I wrote them both letters explaining that i could not have any more contact- that their choice to not deal with the past had left me with only one option. I have heard nothing since and I am happy that there will no longer be that confusing gaslighting, but of course I’m sad too. It’s hard to let go of your family and it’s hard to be seen as the villain. I would be interested to know from others who have decided to go no contact with parents and how they have coped with the grief and guilt etc

[swanlake]

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. I didn’t have contact with my dad for many years and he passed away some years ago. That was more him ignoring me and my siblings rather than my choice to not have contact.
I guess that I just feel sad rather than feeling guilty. For me feeling sad from no contact is better than being harmed by having contact. It’s baffling that some people choose to harm others and we deserve to protect ourselves by staying away.

[Author]

Posts