it is boring to say

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

but I feel low, really low.
I will be ok tomorrow. I will bounce back.
No one from social services has rang me. My child spoke to someone my child was due to see and I don’t know what was said, I don’t dare ask, I normally don’t as it is private but this time I would love to know to make sure my child is not retracting.
I spoke to the solicitor who took note of what happened. I have to wait till x day for another visit somewhere.
I have had so much to deal with due to so much happening. I don’t have time to take care of myself and I am ready to lash out. I am also ill now. It will pass. But it doesn’t help.
Oh well, let’s wait for another day again. At least I will see my counsellor tomorrow. She will help me a little bit. I have so much to tell her.
I feel like a bad mother because of the difficulties my other child is experiencing.
I feel like a mad daughter because of what I told my parents today, stop making me responsible and as if I was committing a crime by wanting to divorce. I am not responsible. I held on for far too long.
Why did my father raise me the way he did? Bear, bear, bear some more, take, take and take some more, all the time, as if it was my role to accommodate other people’s ways… why?
My mother, the shell, the utter shell, says nothing, absolutely nothing, I lashed out at her today as well saying for heaven sake (I used stronger swear words) do you want to see blood before you start believing me?????????????????????????????????????
My friend told me the other day to make a list, and call it the ”F.ck it list”. She is right, and today I told my parents to go and get lost. I am not listening to them any more. I shouted so much on the phone…

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey there Bridget I can see you are really really struggling. Please do one thing for me. Breathe. Take a step back and do the following:

Acknowledge that it is only natural for you to feel all of these emotions
Accept that as a mother that you are bound to feel responsible but remember that you have not done this to your children he has
Acknowledge that your parents are struggling to understand what is and has been happening to you. Control and manipulation in a marriage is only now being recognised as severe as physical abuse
You are human you are going to have days like today but you will also have better days
Be kind to yourself. You are going through a tremendous amount and being ill is your bodies way of getting all the filth of him out of you
Do keep posting and do keep talking to us.
Please be gentle with your parents they may not understand what level it has gotten to. You are living it you know you have to explain to them slowly in your own time one step at a time

I am sending you a massive cuddle and a huge dose of love, strength and perseverance. You can and you will do this I promise you. Each step of the way we are here xxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Bridget,

You’ve had massive changes taking place in your family recently, plus the ongoing stresses.

It sounds like you are at breaking or boiling point, and I can completely understand how to that feels.

To help you cope with what is happening at the moment, please look up Distress Tolerance techniques. This isn’t just a link- it saved me. I thought I was going mad with all my ex’s cruelty, court, Cafcass etc- and it really helped me.

Keep your parents at a distance right now. It sounds like it is too much for you to speak with them at present.

X*x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dear Positiveandlookingahead and Serenity,
I thank you for your posts, I am at breaking point and I do feel like lashing out. I have lashed out already. And I understand nothing any more.
I was watching the news on tv and I started wondering why all this happened and why I can’t cope in comparison to what happens in Syria for example, it brought me an immense sense of shame.
But soon after I watched another piece of news with a film director speaking about his latest film and one scene depicting a mum losing her child and it upset me, it started creating in my mind the same as the recent nightmare I had a few days ago where I was surrounded by people from ss and the police etc and they all seemed to have come to help me and all of a sudden they all ganged against me to take me to an asylum. It woke me up in total terror.
I was watching all this while in my bed, unable to go to sleep and I have had to come to the pc, I am full of nervousness, anxiety for nothing, I just want the morning to come, to be busy and to see my counsellor, to speak to someone, all I have done over the past few days/weeks is look after some horrible stuff involving my children and I feel alone and isolated. That is why I lash out. I will reconnect soon with reality but for now I feel it is all too much to the point where nothing makes any sense.
I came back to face a child in total despair, followed by total hoovering back, raising my hopes high that I could go ahead knowing I would not loose my ”baby”, to knowing it may not happen because xyz going on in his head, to having to sort out my other child and feeling like I can’t take any more while this horrible man gives no toot about anything but himself and confuses my children even more.
I feel disconnected from real life, from work which I can ‘t even do at the moment so I am earning nothing and all my savings are disappearing at speed, I feel unsure of the future and I feel so nervous and anxious, wondering if what I have said to some people will turn all against me like in my nightmare.

Even my neighbour warned me about a potential turn around from my child who may say ”it” didn’t happen in order to protect his dad. The more time goes by and the more horrible I start to feel.
I felt ok telling the therapist earlier and now I wish I had not. Minimisation and normalisation to the max, for each and every one of us. I get told to call the helpline, Women’s Right, I ring SS and my solicitor and the therapist beats me to it in a way as he is the first one on the phone for sheer curiosity as to why I was not at a particular meeting and I feel guilty and I start explaining what went on…I don’t know if what I explained is that important any more because I feel like a total numbness and disbelief of my own sanity and perspective. I feel like mother duck wanting her chicks not to learn to float, I don’t know how to describe it, it is a horrible feeling of almost being insane, ready to sound like a l*****c and as I watched tv I was playing a scenario in my head as I tried to cry that I was being asked by the therapist to talk to my husband and I started saying to him why the hell did you have to cause all this, why, why, why, and why when you see these poor Syrian kids dying did you have to hurt your family, your own kids, drink and frighten people, me included, why????????????????

I want to cry and I can ‘t anymore, I want to talk to people and I feel I am disturbing everyone, I feel 150% isolated and lonely, useless and absurd. God knows how this will end up…
My parents? I spent years telling them how this felt, they never reacted the right way and even though my dad admitted today on the phone all this was his own fault for not providing the right education, though he educated us to Degree level, he never provided the right education to make us make the right choices in life when it comes to relationships, yet he treated my mum like a slave and an idiot. He did that to me too, sexist, prejudiced, mocking towards me, never a single compliment ever in my life, so why?????

Why is life so stupidly difficult, why do people treat each other that way, why does it take society so long to learn and react and repair and educate? Are we all that stupid? I hate the human race, I hate everything at the moment, everything!

[Escaped not free]

I’m so sorry to hear where you are just now. I can relate. I’m sorry at how alone you are. I’m also in a similar place with parents. I don’t have the added pressure of ss involvement but I do doubt myself constantly and feel like I’m losing my mind and losing perspective. Dealing with kids completely on your own is difficult enough but add in the terror of your ex and it’s just overwhelming. I wish I could give more advice. All I can offer is empathy. I understand when you are in this place any kind of self care seems impossible. Talk to your counsellor, your not crazy you are coping amazingly well in a hothouse of pressure that would break the majority of people. Sending you hugs. Wishing we could get together for a coffee but you aren’t alone. We are here. We do care. I promise xxxx

[Eve1]

I feel for you Bridget and I understand everything you say, about being brought up to be a certain way, without realising it or it actually being said. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling. and I echo your question, why are people so horrible to each other? Why did my ex feel, does he feel, that because I left him, he had to try to destroy me, still tries. I know now that he is pathetic and underneath it all deeply insecure. But at the time of leaving him, I knew nothing about psychopaths and n*********s and just wanted away from him.

You have such a lot of knowledge and some support, especially on here, I wish you the very, very, best for what comes next. It’s so hard to go against our parents. Take note of your replies here and know that you are not a bad person at all.
Warm Hugs

Eve
x

[SaharaD]

Hi Bridget

So sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s hard to suppress these feelings about abuse as they eventually come bubbling up to the surface. Your mother like my mother probably knows it is safer to keep quiet around your father. Both my parents are in complete denial about how they raised me having an impact now on my life.

However you anger is misplaced on your parents. They did the best they could and with the knowledge and resources they had. Your abusive husband is the one to be angry at and that anger should be channeled healthily to get him out of the house and get the divorce moving forward.

After an angry exchange with my parents while I was in the refuge, I decided to keep my conversations with my parents to a minimum and only state positive facts. I recently sent them a postcard about a nice little trip I had into the countryside.

As humans we are fallible. But there is some good. I went to a lovely exhibition yesterday and I had two lovely dates last week. My mental health support group is amazing and in contact every day. My managers are forced by head office to support me at work and my colleagues although young are funny and brighten my day.

You feel like this Bridget because you are stuck. I know that feeling of being stuck in a horrendous situation but make plans to get out Bridget. I recommend feel the fear and do it anyway and the book also. Lol! We only have fear itself to fear. fear makes you paralysed or do unhealthy things.

You are on a sinking ship Bridget, if you want to survive you have to let go and go over the side. If you don’t let go, you will go down with the ship. You also have to show your children how to get off the ship. No point shouting at the captain and other passengers now. No point trying to save the ship. Time to cut your losses and go over the side. Your choice of course. A chance at survival in a life jacket in a life boat with your children and a rescue or everybody goes down with the sinking ship. There’s no right or wrong just a choice. Survivor or (fatal) casualty.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello there Bridget. I hear what you are saying. What happens around the world is traumatic to those involved and what has happened to us is also traumatic. Please do not feel like you are making a fuss of nothing what’s happening to you is very traumatic too.

Please try to refrain from watching anything negative on tv it isn’t good for you it makes you feel down especially the news. Keeping busy is a great distraction I think you maybe afraid to deal with what is happening and that is absolutely fine. I was exactly the same at the beginning but throughout your journey you will come to feel that you need time to process it.

Please remember that none of this is your fault and that there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. I believe that if something is going to happen in life it will and there is nothing that you can do to avoid it. I think it may benefit you to speak to the helpline because you are very anxious and they can break things down for you. Have you telephoned them? You have a tremendous amount going on with social services and your Solicitor you are on autopilot and are highly charged all the time because of it. Try and light some candles, get some down time put some quiet slow music on to relax your senses and try a bubble bath or a short walk or stand in the garden if you have one that always helps me. I promise you it will get better you are at the early stages. Always here if you need me x

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