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Dear ladies,
Yesterday I saw an example of a relaxed couple, i do not think there was any abuse in their relationship. She ribbed him in a jokey way, saying something like ” oh shut up you silly fool!”, he in turned laughed, raised his eyebrows and said something similar back. It was nice to see, i don’t their was anything going on behind closed doors, the woman had no fear, anxiety or awkwardness in her environment or towards her husband. He from his body language felt no threat to his masculinity or saw this exchange as any deeper than what it was. I could never ever say such words to my ex. It would have been a massive insult, i was always walking on eggshells, watching what I said, toning myself down. If i said that sort of thing to him, he would likely storm out and give me the silent treatment for a couple of days or a week. Or it would put more fuel into his action plan to mentally destroy me. How abnormal, wrong and unfair is that. I am so happy to be rid of him and getting back to myself.
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Healthyarchive,
You are doing great. You should be so proud of yourself. The cold-turkey bit of going ‘no contact’ is agonizing but you are getting more and more moments of reprieve from it. You ridded the storm and you’re coming to calmer moments ahead. You give hope to us ladies that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If we ride out the excruciating, painful feelings of ‘ letting go ‘ of that what was bad for us (our abuser, our drug) we will have peace, serenity, and our freedom and most important we will learn to live again.
Go girl Go.
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Thanks LONC, I think it’s really helpful to for all of us to constantly remind ourselves of what was going on & the reasons we left,the pain,gaslighting & daily fear we had, this is because leaving can actually be even more challenging than staying, the mental battle compounded by mind games & manipulation by the abuser to keep you hooked. Get through all of this,fight as a strong & positive woman who has made a mistake in meeting this person.
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Hi I have just joined the group today and your post makes so much sense to me, but I am just starting to go through this ‘no contact’ and I feel so bereft, I just want him to walk into the house and put his arms around me……I am in shock at how quick he left although it hadn’t been good for a number of years. I just hoped that somewhere within him he would realize what he was doing and take responsibility……but I have a sense from what I have read so far this is unlikely to happen. The thoughts I am having is still ‘is it my fault’ and that is hurting so much. I have never in my life had so much internal pain.
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If I had said that to the abuser he would have punched a black eye in my head.
Strangely I have never met a normal man in my life.
Even on a neutral basis, I cannot see any normal man anywhere.
They all have flaws, they have traits of abusive behaviour.
I think that most men are sick and only a few are truly fit for a relationship with a woman. -
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This is terrible & completely unequal, my ex used to say to me that he really wants an equal relationship, but how could it be equal if I was scared of being myself? I would say to him “but I feel that you are up there (pointing at the sky, & i am down here (pointing at the ground ).he didn’t, like it when I said that.
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Oh my goodness that is exactly what it was like for me…..he discounted everything I said, he would always turn it around….so if I asked him ‘what do you want out of our marriage’ he would immediately turn it round and in a harsh tone say ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF THE MARRIAGE’ when I answered and said, trust, be valued, respected and loved, he said ‘HOW CAN I MAKE A FRIEND OF SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T THINK THEY ARE OKAY THEMSELVES’……..when I mentioned he said this a few months later, he denied he ever said it. So I doubted my own sanity…..they are so clever aren’t they!!
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I’m so thankful to be rid of the ex, i’m having a lovely Saturday evening on my own, bliss XXXXXXXXX
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Dear Hoodwinked, thanks for your post and welcome to the forum. This forum got me through to where I am now, if it hadn’t have been for this I would have begged, pleaded, grovelled, probably stalked, and even possibly got arrested for stalking or harassment by now. (I have never been in trouble with the law and have a good job and reputation, how humiliating that would have been for me). This was all of course, carefully connived and calculated by him for me to respond this way. Its called Love Bombing, Devalue and Discard. I was disgarded. There was a lot of gaslighting thrown in with repeated manipulation, intermittent reinforcment and rose tinted spectacles. You will learn all about these abuse tactics as you go along. This forum, the sharing, listening, venting and ranting is all massively therapeutic. Even if nobody reads or reply’s to your post it is still really great to get your thoughts out into words and share them. I was emotionally where you are now 5 to 6 months ago. Had i allowed the relationship to continue I would have self referred myself to hospital for severe anxiety. (I have never had serious mental health problems before this). Now I feel happy, positive and free 97% of the time. Don’t get me wrong there are other problems like bullying at work but i’m free of the ex. It will be good if you can prepare yourself for the roller coaster of emotions that are to come to you in the coming minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. A good thing to look at online is called The Cycle of Grief. You will feel extreme loss & desperation, like a gaping black hole is in the center of your body where all of your insides have been ripped out, you will feel hollow inside. Have a look for posts by Escaped Not Free and Million Pieces. We all had this deep emptiness at the same time and our posts will probably help you. You will feel desperation and continually look at your phone or email inbox hoping and praying he contacts you. You may be desperate to contact him and may even contact him. You will feel huge doubt, deep sorrow, obsessive thoughts which you cannot get to stop. You will feel deep emptiness and loneliness and you might turn to drugs, drink or food or other men to make you feel better. He might come back promising you the world and telling you how much he loves you. You will have severe mental and emotional trauma and it takes a long time to start to put the jigsaw back together. Take it very slowly, even one hour at a time. Amazon Kindle has tons of free to read books on abuse, in the early stages I really liked 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships and all books by HG Tudor, these are all free to read. I’m currently reading N********t Free by Zari Ballard, its wonderful. Do keep posting and sharing how you are. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx
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Dear Hoodwinked, try to have a look at the file Gaslight, you can get it on Amazon. Also, please read the manipulation tactics book and HG Tudor books, I like The Devils Toolkit, it gives good explanations of abusive tactics which you experience but cant put your finger on it. You might also like,Why Does He Do That?
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@healthyarchive – I have seen many normal examples like that while i was with him and since leaving. It makes me happy (for the couple) and sad as well, for what I didn’t have. But its good to witness it to remind us what normal actually is in a relationship 🙂 Like many of the replies above I simply could not say anything that was what he considered ‘out of line’ – the consquences would be a night long argument where I would end up apologising so I could go to bed. My ex would also ask what I wanted from the relationship and I would say equality, then he would twist this up into asking why I didn’t then pay half my wages into his bank account? He didn’t work or look after our child or do anything in the house…he just did what he wanted.
@hoodwinked – a very warm welcome and I am glad you have found this forumn xxxx -
Hi there, I just wanted to say that during the first year of my relationship with my abuser I felt so deeply in love I would have died for this man. In fact, on holiday a lady actually asked if we were on honeymoon. This man raped me on our third date so I guess I’m just saying the appearances can be so very deceptive. When I see a woman, doting and looking lovingly at her partner I wonder if she has a world of hurt coming. There’s a picture of my husband on his girlfriends Facebook page. I haven’t seen it but my sister describes it a him looking straight ahead arms folded and her staring adoringly up at him, holding onto his arm. I have a photo like that from our early days. This woman thinks she has won some sort of prize. She describes him to the court as a role model for her children (he has a criminal record for assaulting me, and admits to having a relationship with her when still married and living with me and she knew it). It’s shocking brain washing. She had 4 kids when he moved in with her after his arrest. Two have now moved out to,live with their dad. This man is evil personified. But all of this behaviour, and worse, proves it. But she still thinks she’s won first prize and no amount of telling her is going to stop the world of hurt she has coming. Probably from her kids too. Months after their dad leaves, a new man moves in. I cannot believe this is the same man I married. The rose tinted glasses are well and truely off x but he still won’t move on x
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Thank you for your comments. I understand KIP about falling deeply in love (or in my case thinking i was). I ask myself if those feelings of deep love were actually not love but a mixture of persuasion, eggshells masked as love, manipulation and fear. After we split up and when I was thinking a bit more rationally I asked myself what I actually LIKED about my ex, about his personality. I could list 3 or 4 things. I think one of those things was a general characteristic that could have applied to anybody. My ex love bombed me, promising me the world telling me how beautiful I was & that I was his soulmate. When you get 2000 Plus texts like that its also flattering and makes you feel good. The sex was amazing, i wonder if all of this I thought was love. also the veiled threat which was constant that he would leave, that would make me feel desperate, i wonder if that made me think it was love. I think that I care for his well being but that is because maybe I have a caring nature and it would hurt me to see him disintegrate which is what is going to happen. KIP I pity your ex husbands new woman, she is where we have been completely blinded by him. She has got all of the abuse to come hasn’t she. It is such a refreshing and free feeling to know that I do not have all of these problems in my life any more. Dear Herindoors, now i’m out and alone I can see the difference in what normality feels like and how distorted and wrong that communication was. Your partner is meant to be your friends as well as your lover. How can he be your friend if you are frightened of what you say, it is not possible. It would have been so healthy for me to be allowed to be in bad mood, cross or angry with him or just in general. Or to feel sad and for him to comfort me. the repercussions for me if I was angry or in a bad mood toward him, he would mentally ‘flatten me’. Thinking about it now it is so dysfunctional.
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Dear ladies, I, m just going to bed, I am here by myself my house is calm & peaceful. My bed is comfortable & spacious, I have my comfy pj’s on & looking forward to a good night’s sleep ☺…my life with my ex, I would need sleeping tablets,unable to drop off still, highly anxious with racing thoughs, feeling deeply insecure & on edge, neglected & angry at his lies but unable to express that as expressing negativity was taboo. I am so much happier now that I have broken free of the mind games & manipulation,it’s not easy but it can be done x*x
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Thanks for that lovely image!
I have been on the beach all day; my shoulders are healthily tanned, I feel sun-kissed, I did no cooking today, I went out for a drink and now I am spreadeagled across the bed like a starfish!
If my ex was here, he’d have made us all feel anxious and controlled, he would have been sarcastic or made fun of me physically….
Good riddance to a horrible being.
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Thanks Serenity. I so much want the women on this forum who are currently ridden with doubt, anxiety and emotional pain to know that there is this positive light at the end of the tunnel. Life can be good, free from all of the anguish associated with abuse. You have to make that decision to get out for good and then face the trauma bonding, it takes time & determination but can be done.
https://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/
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No it is not right to feel anxious and scared every day, its just not right. I’m abuse free now, my days are normal, calm and peaceful. It is there for the taking, you just need to make that break and work through the post break up emotions.
https://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/
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What a great link that I have just watched on Coercive Control.
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