It just clicked that his ‘love’ was also abuse

[fika]

I left him about (length of time removed by Moderator) ago. I’ve been constantly turning over and over the fact that I couldn’t make sense of how loving he was one moment, and then how cruel and manipulative he could be the next. As someone who doesn’t function like an abuser it felt impossible to reconcile those two versions into one person in my mind. I had a horrendous panic attack just the other day thinking about the times he comforted me, knowing now they were self-admitted false displays of care. It sickened me to think about someone being able to put on such a convincing front.

I’ve known about the cycle of abuse this whole time – the idolisation, devaluation, discard, hoover – but for some reason it just clicked in my head tonight that the ‘love’ and ‘care’ was the first phase of the cycle. It wasn’t two contradictory, irreconcilable things or people, it was just the beginning of the cycle rather than the very easily identifiable end. It was abuse.

‘love’ is not so intense, so flip-floppy, so incredibly on and then so incredibly off the next minute. It is not made of grandiose promises, it’s not like being in a Hollywood romcom.

I’ve still got a way to go, but I feel like something has been freed up inside me. I feel like I can believe myself more easily that it was abuse, that he is an abuser, because it all fits into a sensical structure now.

[Lisa]

Hi Fika,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have been processing a lot and I’m glad this has given you some clarity. you deserve to be treated with love and respect- being in a healthy relationship is also about feeling safe and this is not something an abuser can or wants to provide. Keep putting yourself first- you deserve it.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Happybelle]

Well done for getting out for starters.

When it finally hits that you realise this it is so sad. It’s also sickening when you look back and those feelings you had that were positive and those moments were a complete lie. You question everything.

You’re on the other side now and it’s hard going but in 6 months time you will feel a whole lot better. You’ve got this 🙂

[fika]

Thankyou! Honestly yes, sometimes the ‘loving’ memories are more sickening to think about than the cruel ones.

Thankyou so much for the encouragement, it’s rough but we’ve got this – sending you all the healing x

[TheMouseBites]

You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s shocking and depressing to realise that ALL of it was part of the abuse. I got a real feeling last time mine was nice and loving to me that he was trying to send the message that this was the ‘factory setting’ of who he was, and that this is how perfect our relationship could be, if only I didn’t keep wrecking it by 1. challenging his version of reality by being an actual human with feelings and opinions 2.not forgetting and forgiving immediately all former abuse, no matter how horrendous it was 3. having any needs or asking anything of the relationship.

yes, the ‘nice’ bits are part of the abuse and they’re the most painful to come to terms with.

thankyou for talking about this…it’s SO important, and SO painful.

[fika]

And that’s the thing too, in order to be ‘good enough’ by their standards you’d have to let go of everything that makes you an actual human being, it’s so demoralising to realise how they truly view you.

It’s also the fact that the ‘kindness’ or ‘love’ they give is just another manipulation tactic… still sickens me to think about. I’m just glad I don’t function like that, and will only ever understand to a degree.

I hope you’re doing okay, love – take care of yourself x

[TheMouseBites]

I tried for many years to change into the person he wanted, only to find that the goalposts kept moving and I never could get there.

By the end I think I saw him for what he was.

I understand how you feel physically sickened by the displays of love and comfort and caring when you look back on them now. I feel the same.

But we have learned something about the world haven’t we, and about some of the people who move among us.
I like to think they have made us actually more human in the end. Made us realise what a precious gift it really is to be able to love and empathize and be there, for others, for people and animals, and future generations.

 

[fika]

Sorry to reply so late – that last part is so true. I feel like I appreciate much more deeply the level of empathy and care I have for other people, and how genuine I am in relationships, because not having the ability to be those things is something I cannot comprehend. How lucky we are, in a way, not being able to to understand them fully, because it means we’re nothing like them. Thank god.

[LavenderLilly]

My husband does this. One minute saying that I’m his soul mate, he cannot live without me, that he cannot stop thinking about me, that he is nothing without me – because I don’t talk like that back to him he says I’m dead inside, romantically dead, he knows he loves me more than I love him etc. However he can flip it on its side and turn extremely nasty, pull my character apart, my parenting, threaten, he can be so cruel and talks to me with distain. He gazes at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and the next minute tells me how I’m a horrible, vile, rotten person. It’s like he’s two different people.

[LavenderLilly]

Something broke when I recognised his physical displays of affection and love bombing for what they are – manipulation. I now cannot bear when he’s overly affectionate and when he won’t stop touching me. I physically recoil at his touch and hate it when he gazes at me with puppy dog eyes.

He sulks and says I never touch him anymore. The extremes are hard to deal with.  Sometimes he’s normal, neither one extreme or the other, it’s difficult.

[Texas]

Hiya

Well done all for breaking this spell.  You’ll gain a lot of mental energy from this to propel yourself towards the happiness you deserve – and you do deserve it.

Having been out the other side for a while now, I have realised that from the experience a part of me has died.  It’s difficult to explain, it’s like part of my innocence or my faith in people overall.  It’s sad as it removes some of the sparkle from life.  Not sure if I am making any sense?

[fika]

Sorry for the late response – yes this makes complete sense to me ! I feel I’ve also lost that sense of innocence you talk about, but it’s settling in more now, it’s not such a bad thing. Being wary of other people is a feature I didn’t used to have, and I’m glad it keeps me safe now. The sparkle will come back, but it might just look a little different, you might just find it in different places

[Texas]

Yes you are right!   Luckily since my post, mine has settled too now and I am definitely seeing the sparkle in other places!  It’s like my brain has almost finished rebooting itself from the brainwashing.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Time does heal this and our brains do somehow re-set/ re-boot themselves.

I’m definitely not the same person, maybe a bit more wary but also a lot less shallow. I don’t fall for the glitter anymore and appreciate different kinds of people for different kinds of reasons.

I think I’m happier.

[survivorabuse]

With mine it would be good then sometimes I would just say something and then sulking it was always sulking I hated that. He would be walking with me with his arm around my waist and people probably thought they are a happy couple little did they know!!!!!

It’s always sad to think how we were tucked in by them but at least we got away from them. Even now I sometimes think about what he would do. He would tell people I was clumsy if they saw bruises

[Author]

Posts