It just clicked that his ‘love’ was also abuse

[fika]

I left him about a month ago. I’ve been constantly turning over and over the fact that I couldn’t make sense of how loving he was one moment, and then how cruel and manipulative he could be the next. As someone who doesn’t function like an abuser it felt impossible to reconcile those two versions into one person in my mind. I had a horrendous panic attack just the other day thinking about the times he comforted me, knowing now they were self-admitted false displays of care. It sickened me to think about someone being able to put on such a convincing front.

I’ve known about the cycle of abuse this whole time – the idolisation, devaluation, discard, hoover – but for some reason it just clicked in my head tonight that the ‘love’ and ‘care’ was the first phase of the cycle. It wasn’t two contradictory, irreconcilable things or people, it was just the beginning of the cycle rather than the very easily identifiable end. It was abuse.

‘love’ is not so intense, so flip-floppy, so incredibly on and then so incredibly off the next minute. It is not made of grandiose promises, it’s not like being in a Hollywood romcom.

I’ve still got a way to go, but I feel like something has been freed up inside me. I feel like I can believe myself more easily that it was abuse, that he is an abuser, because it all fits into a sensical structure now.

[Lisa]

Hi Fika,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have been processing a lot and I’m glad this has given you some clarity. you deserve to be treated with love and respect- being in a healthy relationship is also about feeling safe and this is not something an abuser can or wants to provide. Keep putting yourself first- you deserve it.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

Posts