26th February 2016 at 9:16 pm #10513
It never ends he never goes away, i want it all to stop. After he was found guilty and sent to prison that it would be the end, of that case anyway. But he decided to appeal his sentence. I was told that when it went to court it was dismissed, with great relief from myself. However i have now had a call to say his sentence was reduced, only very very slightly but still reduced. It feels like a kick in the gut, i could hear him laughing at triggered me into think all he has put me through, not that it takes much, sorry if this all sounds stupid. So i got really upset abd angry with myself. I’m also feeling really stressed and petrified that we are looking at leaving the refuge into our own home, i know i will have lots of boubles things put in place but still scares me.
I feel guilty that he’s imprison and inbetween worrying that he’ll be angry with me, i worry about if he’s ok and coping.
So i got so angry and upset with myself and about everything today, i ended up self harming, which made me feel better fir a short while, and i was able to give myself permission to take care of myself.
I just wish it would all go away, i want to forget, and tonight i have turned to alcohol to block it all out, to make me forget. I just wish it would all stop sometimes i wish i had never left, it all seemed easier some how and it all keeps playing over in my head it never stops. How do you make it stop?!
26th February 2016 at 10:02 pm #10515KIP.Participant
Hi there and I am sorry for your setback. We are so trauma bonded to these men we actually worry about their wellbeing! It’s a crazy kind of brainwashing. All of this is his own fault. His lawyer can appeal but he’s still found guilty. Mine was found guilty too but it’s still a roller coaster. All I can say is it will get easier. I survived by reading as much about domestic abuse that I could to try to understand the dynamics. The trauma bonding, the guilt we are programmed to carry. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will bounce back. We always do. Tomorrow will be a better day so please enjoy the peace and quiet meantime. You have a bright future in your new home. Think of all the nice things you will be able to do there👍
26th February 2016 at 10:16 pm #10518
I just don’t want to think any more. I don’t want to remember everything still reminds me of him, i tried to paint my nails earlier i couldnt because i wasnt doing them red and i knew he’d be angry, it had to be always red nail varnish underwear clothes always red! And above everything else i don’t want to feel, i want to be numb block everything out and just feel numb
26th February 2016 at 10:17 pm #10519MoonParticipant
I wanted to give you some support to let you know I totally understand your coping mechanisms and how you want it all to stop.
I’m in a pretty bad place myself at mo so feels wrong giving advice when I can’t seem to take it myself!!!
But …… Don’t be so hard on yourself for a blip tonight you are an incredibly brave lady who has escaped and survived.
Don’t let him take the freedom now after all this fight?
Do you have any support? The helplines great for getting things off your chest aswell
27th February 2016 at 7:56 am #10550
So it didn’t work, maybe i didn’t drink enough, but i still remembered, i still dreamed. I still feel stupid! I wish my councilling would start but i know when it does it will get worse before it gets better. May sound stupid but i feel like the years i spent with him killed a part of me. I had faught long and hard to over come alot (childhood abuse) to become the person i was, i son know if i’ll ever get her back. He knocked her out of me in everyway imagine able.
27th February 2016 at 8:09 am #10552SerenityParticipant
We won’t ever get back to being the person we were before we met them.
That is because the person we were was naive and unable to set healthy boundaries, not looking out for out own interests enough.
We have been traumatised, virtually destroyed and injured beyond belief.
But we have learned so much, we have battled through and we are still here. It is him who is behind bars, not you. It is him who society recognises as having done wrong. Remember this every time you let him into to your head and feel guilt.
Abusers bully because they are weak cowards. They hunt out people who they think are- or hope will become- weaker than them, so that they can feel powerful. But you aren’t weak. You are amazingly strong. He picked the wrong person if he thought he could destroy you or make you a victim. Look at how far you have come and all that you have achieved.
That his sentence is reduced has more to do with the crowdedness of prisons than the acceptance of his crime. The fact he has been inside is your proof of the fact he is an unacceptably bad person. You owe him nothing.
Get all the advice you can and make yourself feel as secure as you can upon which to move forward. Share your worries and concerns, as you are doing here. Please don’t close on on yourself and self-harm. You can do this. You are stronger than him. Believe this x
27th February 2016 at 11:12 am #10568
Thankyou serenity. Sometimes i my get so angry with myself, to the point of feeling only hatred towards me. But i have to find away of overcoming this for my childrens sake.
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