It just NEVER EVER Stops

[DustyWhiteRose]

Hi, this is my first ever post and its taken me a long time to even get the courage to come here, right at the beginning I literally begged for help, but I have been let down by the system all the time, so I don’t often ask for help or support anymore, because even when I do its a complete waste of time then I struggle even more afterwards. I know we are all going through similar situations, so we should feel like we are not really alone, but to be honest, I have never ever felt so alone and trapped in all my life.

I have family and at the start were brilliant but they don’t bother with me anymore, cuz they don’t know what to say to me or how to be towards me, my parents are very very old and getting support from them is so very hard cuz they forget what I have told them the previous day so I have to answer the same questions over n over again, which then just reminds me of everything again, I have no friends cuz ‘it’ saw to that, wasn’t allowed friends, I have been in touch with some since we split but we will never be the same again, they say they will come back into my life but they don’t message, so I don’t want to go to them with all my worries and moans cuz its not fair on them and why should they help me when I was made to remove them from my life for years and I let ‘it’ do it.

Everyone tells me to stay strong, that I can do it, I got to think of the future, tomorrow is another day, I have already won cuz ‘it’ are out of your life, but since we separated, which is a while ago now, there STILL is rubbish thrown at me every single day and I don’t know how to cope. If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t be here, but I can’t cuz I have already let ‘it’ ruin their lives, without doing that to them but I feel like I am in a massive hole n there is no way out n I’m running out of air, I do not know how to cope anymore, but I have to, for my children, I WILL NEVER let them down ever again, but I am all alone and I just can not see an end to any of this in sight…

[Anonymous]

Hi Sweetheart and Welcome here!! It is hard to do it the first time, isn’t it? Well, we are very lively, welcoming bunch here, with tons of experience, our own life stories of abuse, etc. Those who are still in, getting out and are out! So you just come on in and take a seat or lounge on the couch or do whatever you want or need to do here. Visit the Sanctuary Cottage because we are all sister there!

Soooo……..let’s start with……..what is it “exactly” that you are finding difficult? You did a broad sweep here. Let’s zero in. Sounds as if he has too much control still even though you are gone. Yes? And that would be using the kids…? Just want to clarify. Because this shouldn’t be happening and there are ways to end it, for you to get control on it from your end. How old are your children and don’t have to be specific just around how old? Does he have visitation, I’m guessing he does. What are the legal arrangements for that, if any? Just a bit more info so people can help you on here without being ultra specific…

Unfortunately friends are not always forever. They come they go. We change, we grow, we outgrow them, they outgrow us and it’s okay. You need to have friends that – fit you now. I’ve had to discard so many in my past and they have discarded me as well. Sometimes my best friend is actually – me or whatever pet I have at the time. And sometimes you just have to be alone.

I hate the platitudes by the way. I’m like seriously….can you say something authentic or maybe not speak at all? Amazing how people can talk and say nothing. That means they are shallow and good to be rid of them. I always hate the one when you have a death in the family “I am so sorry for your loss.” I will vomit on que with that one, even if it’s not my loved one and I hear it. Wow, how plastic can you be??? How unoriginal. Or…..when you stump your toe or your finger or hit your head or whatever….”Are you okay? Want a glass of water?” Uhhhhh, no and no! Can you just Poof and disappear????

So let’s talk about what exactly is “never stopping”? Obviously this man is overstepping his boundaries and making your life and most likely the lives of your children miserable still. So he’s not out of your life… Being on the bottom of the hole isn’t a bad thing because the only way is up and you’re not falling anymore so then there’s that. You sit. You collect yourself and you come here and we start to problem solve. Yes?

[Eggshells]

@DustyWhiteRose You sound so,so low. It can be so hard sometimes to see the positives.

First you love your children, that so so clear from your post. Hold that love in your heart. Is that love a physical feeling in your body? If so, where do you feel it? Focus on it, really fix on that feeling. Let it bring you warmth and strength.

Next, you haven’t ruined your children’s lives. “It” might have had a good go at ruining it for them but you’ve thwarted that by leaving.

And you have friends. You have us. Welcome. Yes we are virtual friends but isn’t everyone these days? We may feel like strangers to you at the moment but we feel like we already know you because we already understand so much of what you are going through. There’s always someone floating around. There are quiet times but we seem to come to life in the early hours of the morning. You can say whatever you like on here and we will get it. You can pop in and out, we won’t dump you if you want to disappear for a bit. Please don’t go for good though. We’d love to get to know you better.

We can listen, empathise, give you information, we even do virtual hugs and kisses. Here’s one right now. 😘

Hope to hear from you again soon. Take good care of yourself. xx

[Same-again]

Hey there DustyWhiteRose,

I like the ‘it’ bit. It actually made me lol. Good one.

Does it feel like you are fighting through quick sand and sometimes it get’s deeper/firmer like you can’t fight through it?

I’ve felt the same in the past, I had PTSD. Numb? No pleasure in anything? Barely alive?

I’m rubbish with advice but just wanted to say Hi and welcome and send you a hug. You’re not alone now 🙂

[DustyWhiteRose]

Hi, thank you all so so much for commenting and I hope you are all well today xx

A year has nearly past since we split but because the system is slower than snails, this seems to of given ‘it’ more power and confidence to throw more and more things at me to continue to try control and harass me, so yes, unfortunately ‘it’ still has control and everything ‘it’ throws at me, just breaks me, every single time I end up hitting rock bottom, then it takes me days and days to get back up and find my fight again and ‘it’ knows that this is the effect it will have on me, that’s why ‘it’ does this all the time, ‘it’ is very very crafty and clever in what ‘it’ does.

I have older children from my previous marriage and school age children from ‘it’, my children hate ‘it’ and our children hate ‘it’ too, which I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, its good cuz I don’t have to be the nasty parent trying to stop them having contact but bad cuz it just shows how bad ‘it’ has affected them all and what they have been through, I stopped all contact, ‘it’ is fighting me to get some access, even though ‘it’ never bothered with our children when we were together. Again, this is ‘it’ trying to take control over me and hurt me through our children. This is one major issue that I am struggling with.

Regarding Friends, I should be used to not having friends as I haven’t had any for all the years I was with ‘it’, but its like a winning lottery ticket being dangled infront of your face then have it ripped away again, it would of been better for me if I hadn’t got back in touch with them cuz its just harder to come to terms with it all again. I totally get what you said about having friends that fit now and to have just one friend to understand, I am hoping some of you from here may want to be friends with me cuz I really do need any help I can get, for my childrens sakes.

Someone said to me, that ‘it’ will continue to harass and try and take back control until ‘it’ finds someone new, that’s another of the reasons I can not give up this fight cuz I could not live with myself if ‘it’ did this to another person or their children.

My children are my life and even more so now, especially as I let ‘it’ destroy some of our relationships to absolutely nothing, and I try so so hard to focus on that feeling, I totally get that but then that warm feeling gets drowned out almost immediately cuz all that comes flooding back is how I have let them all down in such a bad horrible way, then I feel even more heartbroken, its like ‘it’ literally hypnotised me and I went against my children cuz I believed ‘it’ over my own flesh and blood

Every day I dread receiving any post, I dread checking my emails and I completely panic if my phone rings, I am just overwhelmed by it all and I have three massive things that ‘it’ has thrown at me to try and fight and I am literally petrified what the next thing will be, cuz there will be a next thing

xx

[diymum@1]

Would you like a hand to fight him ? In terms of child contact. I know your feeling really down and it’s hard to take back control. But you can there are ways to do this the right and proper way. That’s where we come In the women who are the forerunners 💕💪I felt exactly the same as you a number of years ago but I managed to get it stopped xx this IS doable xx we’re here to talk you through if you would like ? Xxxx love diymum 💕

[DustyWhiteRose]

I have literally begged for help and support but I just get no where, I would literally cut off my right arm for someone to help but I can’t see how its even possible anymore, I have had so many knock backs, Social Services have closed the case three times now, cuz I am doing enough to protect my children, the police do not help at all, they can’t even see its harassment and their investigations are still ongoing and never ending, nobody seems to care anymore, not enough staff, too much paperwork, then this whole covid thing just set everything back even further, I could list over 50 things that have happened since we split, some more serious than others, I search things up on the internet and every time it comes up with its illegal, its against the law, there are people out there to help, so I ask for help and get no where so what do I do, the whole system is broken and I am scared, completely and utterly scared, that ‘it’ will win cuz I am physically and mentally not strong enough anymore to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep getting knocked back, to keep having all this thrown on me every single day, not knowing who I can or can’t trust anymore…sorry for going on… 🙁 x*x

[diymum@1]

it sounds like your getting very triggered by his antics,no wonder. i was exactly the same the only way you can really start to take control is to learn to manage your anxiety first. are you getting counselling. i ended up taking anti anxiety meds. i was the same some of the doors were getting closed in my face school for one social work. the dr and a therapist helped me they wrote for court. once our strong enough to deal with him and stand up to him you can yourself go no contact. obviously the kids cant unless u prove he is abusive xx have you got a womens aid worker? xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @DustyWhiteRose
Just want to say hello . It sounds like you feel very down but just remember you have a come a long way! And if you ever want to chat just come to the forum, Its been a massive help for me, i can ramble and say whatever I want without any judgement and everyone is so supportive and kind. We are here for you xxxx

[Author]

Posts