22nd April 2016 at 8:12 am #14882StarmoonParticipant
I’m so confused I no doubt absolutely everything I’d started to believe.
On (detail removed by Moderator) my dad got my baby back (after my ex said he wasn’t giving her back and called ss to say I wasn’t stable) by convincing my ex that contact could be arranged threw him. I was under the impression he only did this to get her back. After that I’ve had so much to deal with and I’m awaiting an appointment with a social worker to try and prove My mental state Is down to my his abuse and I am capable of looking after my children.
I didn’t feel inclined to hand my child over to him until I was confident the social services could see this for what it is. Otherwise he can call them up again next time he’s got her and tell them I’m unstable and they will believe him and I won’t get her back again. At the time he had her he made out to ss and his parents that I wasn’t fit to look after her… My emotional turmoil is always because of him.
Yesterday he text my dad asking to arrange contact and obviously I’m trying to stall as much as possible until I’ve seen the social worker and possibly even set things up via a solicitor. I’ve been adviced by victim support not to do anything until then and my social worker too. How ever my dad said he was going to reply and wanted to arrange contact and that he personally trust my ex. There was a bit of toing and froing where both me and my mum were asking what he meant by saying he trusted him.. And he kept saying he believed him and trusted him and it wasn’t fair that I was asking him not to reply. I suddenly felt totally reminded of being with my ex… I understand we enter fight or flight- My head was totally spinning. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him I was disgusted that he trusted him… After all he’d said and done in keeping my baby away from me, after my parents have said my ex is an abuser- my dad was saying he trusted him. I got up To leave the room and my mum followed my dad attempting to explain my side and why I was hurt over him saying he trusted my ex. He started screaming and swearing at her. Saying that I was a selfish self centered b***h that had bought nothing but trouble to the family… That he couldn’t believe his daughter was forbidding him from replying to the text after he’d given his word and promised. I just sat silently in the living room. He then said he was sending a text saying he’d been forbidden to reply and that he was sorry but id gotten my own way. I’m totally stumped. My dad usually stays out of stuff but now I guess I see why… Because all along he’s been siding with my ex.
If I’m to believe what I’ve read about abuse… My dad siding with him will only make him feel stronger. But now I just don’t know at all. The way my dad acted is exactly how my ex would act. I’d think I was having a normal conversation and if I didn’t agree with something or something needed talking about- I wouldn’t be able to get a word in because he’d be furious. I’m starting to think I’ve gotten this all wrong… Maybe the way I try and discuss things is totally wrong after all. If everyone responds to me in the same way… Then surely I am the problem after all. I don’t understand what it is that I do that makes everyone so infuriated and angry…. Maybe i really just don’t know how to communicate like a normal person. The weekend my ex left… I was facing the impending termination (although I miscarried later that week). He wanted to go and get beer from the shop and instead of say I needed him and wanted him not to drink, I got in a huff and said he should go to his brothers to drink… When he got annoyed at that I did then say that id just wanted him to be here for me and sober but it was already too late as he was angry at me for how I’d communicated what I wanted. Then he said it was over and I begged him to stay. Then he did get a drink and I sat alone in bed all night while he got drunk then fell asleep. But maybe if I’d been able to say what I wanted strait away and properly he wouldn’t have gotten so annoyed… Just like my dad.
For the rest of the day yesterday my mum tried to convince me my dad wasn’t on my exs side but I don’t think it matters any more because I feel I am the problem anyway… And what confirmed it more was that he sent my mum some screen shots of the text him and my ex were having and my ex had mentioned how my dad shook his hand last week when they agreed to arrange contact over the baby. I just feel so hurt and confused that he’d shake the hand of the man that others say has been abusing me.
22nd April 2016 at 9:04 pm #14960AnonymousInactive
Star moon – take a breath!
I have been reading your posts and I don’t think it’s you at all! Even your mum doesn’t believe it is you! Could it be an ego thing with your dad? Doesn’t want to go back on something he shouldn’t have said to start with.
Talk to me Hun xx
23rd April 2016 at 7:13 am #15001StarmoonParticipant
I don’t know how I will ever get clarification in my own head over this… Just as I start to think that maybe the way he treated me was wrong- this happens. I was instantly reminded of my ex. That feeling of confusion and frustration. How he’d suddenly seem to lose his cool and make me feel small and not heard and then he would say it was how I expressed myself or how I tried to talk to him. I just don’t know where it all started now. It’s the chicken and the egg.
There was me thinking it was normal to get in a huff that he wanted to drink.. I try and defend it by saying that he drank every weekend, was often drunk and then hung over and for once I just wanted him to be there for me and level headed. My response to him was the problem though wasn’t it. If I’d just calmly tried to explain why I didn’t want him to drink instead of getting in a huff.. Then he never would’ve gotten so angry. As he’d always said to me ‘he’s not a mind reader’.
It’s clear it’s been me all along isn’t it? Is it normal that I got in a huff… Are the reasons I’ve been giving myself justification enough? I just don’t know any more. I don’t know what’s acceptable. I try and think how I’d have felt if the tables were turned. If he was going threw something equally as awful and stressful then I think I’d have had endless patience… I think if he’d been in a huff with me over me wanting to drink, I’d have tried to see why he was in a huff and then I’d have understood and I’d have stayed with him and supported him. But am I really so messed up to expect that of him??
Is it understandable that he got angry at me and then wanted to leave? He got mad saying he’d been working hard all week and deserved a drink and it was selfish of me to try and stop him. I tried to explain they it wasn’t because of I didn’t think he deserved a brake. I don’t know any more. I’m sorry I keep going on and on. I just wish I knew the answers. Ss are now totally involved because of him saying I’m an unfit mum and now I’m left feeling awful about keeping the kids away from him. I didn’t want this- I just don’t trust him now. But then if it’s me that’s so messed up then maybe I’m really not fit to have them
22nd April 2016 at 9:07 pm #14961LisaMain Moderator
I am so sorry to hear about what has happened with your dad. It is understandable you feel confused and hurt by this. Please believe it is not your fault and you haven’t done anything to cause any of the abuse.
Keep posting to us when you can, I hope it helps to offload about what you are going through and how are you feeling.
23rd April 2016 at 2:08 pm #15063AyannaParticipant
Can you go to a refuge? I think you should not live with your parents. Speak to social services how to get a place in a refuge with your kids. You need to get away from everybody and collect your thoughts and start thinking for yourself without anybody interfering.
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