it seems joint means mine !

[godschild]

(detail removed by moderator)
I was going to post to ask if others have experienced their abusive parteners neglecting DIY jobs in the house etc , I have been looking round and feel despaired at the things he has neglected I can ask him over and over and he just ignores my requests, (detail removed by moderator), I know this may seem trivial to some peoples issues but its all control and doing what he wants and I dont come into it and then he cant see he has done anything wrong, he complains that he always has to ask me, well surely on joint things I should be asked, things like this have gone on for years but everything he does controlling and not considering me is like a red rag to a bull to me now , I think I will go and paint the house bright fleurescent pink now, well it is joint , so i dont need to ask !!!!!!!!!!!

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

You are not “fussing” over nothing. I have the same problem. DIY jobs galore left ignored, some really important, and when I comment on the neglect I get told off, values get turned upside down. Leading to arguments of course.
I have made lists left ignored and at the moment he is spending hundreds on something we don’t need, telling me I asked for it…really?
They think about themselves, no one else, they don’t discuss or compromise. It’s like daring to lead a team situation disregarding the team members and ridiculing them if they complain…
He also does what he wants disregarding other peoples property…it’s embarrassing.

Not doing the DIY is a way to control you by making you upset all the time causing a reaction and mocking you for reacting…

You are right, what’s joint is his…who on earth would dare to come up with something like that??????

It’s so ridiculous. I feel for you as I have to keep my mouth shut all the time…it’s abhorrent.

[Ayanna]

Yep, the ex abuser behaved like this.
Please paint your house pink. I love pink and purple, hahaha!

[godschild]

Thankyou Bridget and Ayanna for confirming it is control and typical of the abusers, im afraid I cant always keep my mouth shut now, I feel so so irritated with it all.

I do try to keep a sense of humour on it when I can thats why the pink house Ayanna, better to think this than walk away upset.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Godschild,

My abuser’s neglecting to do DIY jobs around the house really affected me. I was already exhausted and overburdened with rearing the children on my own (he was a hindrance not a help!), exhausted with taking on extra paid work to counteract his recklessness and irresponsibility with money, accumulating large sums of debt on credit cards and spending the household money on him and his interests and luxury food for him and drink.

Over the years the house became quite run-down, I was always trying to do painting here and there, did pay for new furniture at times, curtains etc but it was a constant struggle. Even though married I might have well as been single.= as regards care of our home.

I see now that he is lazy and therefore was quite happy to leave the care and repair of the house to me. Oh he would do token jobs (paint a room here and there, to keep me quiet) and I learnt to be happy and accept the ‘few crumbs of DIY’ that he did.

He didn’t love me so he didn’t do things to make me happy. He knew the state of the house upset me and I (and my children) would feel embarrassed when my friend’s and theirs would come to visit visit, as our house was definitely more dilapidated compared to others’ houses. He didn’t seem to mind living with worn out furniture and a place in disrepair and as I said it was too much for me. I was struggling with my mind and emotions as I was in the abuse cycle with him. My young daughter was in another abuse cycle so I was coping with her messed up mind and emotions and my other children were affected by his manipulative and damaging behaviours.

Abuse permeates everything. Us, our children, our finances, our families and friends, the house and the garden. Everything an abuser comes in contact with is poisoned.

But I suppose to focus on the solution rather than the problem. My house is in need of painting. Obviously my money is low due to abuser ex who has affected my finances, as they do. Last week I started painting my doors. But I plan to do just one small bit of painting a day. Small steps. Maybe just one hours painting a day and by the end of the year my house will be immaculate. That’s my plan. Focus on the solution (small steps I can take on a daily basis) not the problem (him and his abuse).

Any other suggestions ladies for getting our house in order?

[lover of no contact]

I know you are not in a position to paint or repair the house godschild but a book I’d recommend which may help the house and I found brilliant on all levels is ‘The magic life-changing art of tidying up’ by Mari-Kondo. I got it from my local library. We can’t change our abusers but we can change ourselves and take small steps to get our lives in order.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (our abusers and their behaviours).

Courage to change the things we can (us gaining support and new ideas)

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

[Serenity]

Hi All,

These posts resonate with me.

My ex withheld support in keeping the house and garden up together. Like you, Lover of No Contact, I received crumbs once in a blue moon, like the painting of a room, to keep me quiet.
It was an exhausting cycle. My life was like that of a hamster on a wheel, trying to keep everything afloat. And he would sit there, strumming his guitar.

As you say, LONC, if they loved us, they would want to give and to do things for us, but they did the opposite- they withheld support and kept us waiting as a form of abuse. They liked to keep us tired, unhappy,so they could then blame us for being so and abuse us.

I gave up trying to get him to help, bought things myself to cheer the place up, but if I tried to do any DIY you could be sure he would say what a rubbish job I had done.

It is true, abuse permeates every facet of life.

Tips to get your home back on track?

Firstly,get rid of stuff you don’t need, to clear the decks. This might involve a few trips to the charity shop/ tip/ doing a car boot sale.

But a load of paintbrushes, rollers, paint trays,paint and garden tools from a discount shop. Keep them handy. You might find you have a free morning or whole day- clear the room, lay old sheets down, put your oldest clothes on, the radio on and just get painting. I did a room in three hours.

Sometimes, you might find yourself with a free hour, or might suddenly feel a bit energetic: you can complete some jobs in under an hour. For example, one evening I suddenly felt compelled to go out and give the front fence a coat of protective stain, and another evening I tidied up a hedge in half an hour.

I always have fresh plants in my porch and in the house. Having living plants is so soothing to me. They represent something beautiful and living. Xx

[Serenity]

Lover of No Contact:

Same here- my money went on buying him luxury food. I worried so much about keeping his lordship happy. I ended up not even noticing if I ate or not.

[godschild]

Just typed a post and it dissapeared so will try again. Thankyou ladies for your input ans support on this, will look at that book LONC. I always thought if he cared about me he would do the thinsg I need or want to be done.
I can associate with the witholding and keeping us waitng serenity he does that all the time.We need a new drive I feel ashamed of it, he has the money and makes noises about gettig it done but it never materialises, also and the front door its so so scruffy and we look at doors on the internet, I give him numbers to call and he dosn’t bother.
I am trying to do little bits as and when I have the energy he has sapped it all out of me.
Thankyou both for your suggestions.
We were going to get some bedding plants but my knees have been very stuff and painful the past few weeks and he said well if it snot going to be a joint effort putting them in we wont get them !, then I heard a neighbour very very elderly man he had just put plants in pots to please his wife, she came out and said oh they look beautiful she was so pleased and I thought that man is so old yet he has done that for his wife to please her yet mine wont do it unless I help we are talking about a few bedding plants, but he does things I dont want him to on purpose.
It really is helping to have my suspicions validated on so many things being part of the control and abuse I feel liberated to be able to have your input on what I see that he white washes with excuses.
He also on a daily basis will do anything for anyone else, if a neighbour knocks the door and needs a favour he is straight out there no problem but even the smallest thing i ask is met with , does it have to be now, im busy, cant it wait, I see now that it has made me feel worthless over the years that he is is so willing to help others and not me.
He also build up my hopes maybe to get something new or a new project ,he shows enthusisam and then the next day he bring in so many negative things to drop it all. He also”punishes me by witholding or not doing things when Ive displeases him in some way. thankyou all for responsesxxx
Somcuh amkin me think tonigth and seing the truth andnedingit validate as he for years has decried webthing I say its so goos ot b obnhrenad know i am righ tinwhat I suspoect ansee.
He laso will neerv rever defend me if outiosders hiurt me or treat mebadly its always my fault, he show no compassiononky ottthe othrt perosn and nounderstanding. Is thiscomonhe wil defend anyoine andeveryone aginst me its alwys my doinf. A lady really badlyh let me doen last year after makingpromies ot me and he sadi it was myfault as I should neevrhavecontced her ,she told ne to but iot was my fault. Hevener eversees therealit of situaions whenI ma hurt at all,he is wet aginst meal theime, my opinions, my emotioonsd , my thopights, its no wonder I have lost myself so much,sorry for sop many yhoughts and questions but so much coning to light tonight and releif to know im not alone and iuts not me xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi serenity,

Great tips. I going to get busy!! I think the key is to do these jobs little and often. Its too much for any of us living with an abuser and also overwhelming coping with the bouts of abuse where they use our children as weapons. But as you say when we have a day where we have energy, buy the supplies and have them ready with the old sheets and and when the odd hour crops up, we can chanel our energy into repair and revamping of the house and garden (instead of channelling our energy into them).

Focus on our painting instead of our abuser. lol. Although very hard I admit for those who are still living with them and still in the cycle of abuse.

[Serenity]

Hi Godschild,

Yes, my ex did that too- he was always ‘devil’s advocate.’ Say that I had been in a situation where I had clearly not been treated well by someone, he would not support me but take their side, without fail. Even if it was something he himself hated happening to him.

I was thinking about that earlier today. It was so soul-destroying. I think it’s because they want us to feel unsupported so that we feel weakened, like we’re going crazy ( gas lighting) and unimportant.

Remember, it’s all part of the game, to make us feel immobilised and weak, like we are flies caught in their web, questioning our own sanity and feeling worthless.

I think they would have been like that whoever they were with. To them, a relationship is to proceed with they exerting power over their partner, so that she will stay and out up with his daily abuse and be less likely to leave. Plus, they like being cruel.

Horrible abusers.

[godschild]

Firstly so so sorry for all of the typos, I typed my thoughts out so quickly and thought I spell checked it all but the last paragraph was such a mess, so have re written it :

So much making me think tonight and seeing the truth and needing it validated as he for years has decried everything I say its so good to be heard and know i am right in what I suspected and see.
He also will never ever defend me if outsiders hurt me or treat me badly its always my fault, he shows no compassion only to the other person and no understanding to me. Is this common he will defend anyone and veryone against me its always my doing. A lady really badly let me down last year after making promises to me and he said it was my fault as I should never have contaced her ,she told me to but it was my fault. He never ever sees the reality of situations when I ma hurt at all,he is always against me all the time, my opinions, my emotions , my thoughts, its no wonder I have lost myself so much,sorry for so many thoughts and questions but so much coning to light tonight and releif to know im not alone and its not me

Thankyou Serenity for confirming yours was the same another tactic of abuse and negating us as people, I certainly have felt unsupported for years its awful the very one who should be for you and support you. I have reacted very emotionally and sometimes wrongly when he has gone so much against meas I have felt bewildered and could nto understand it now I do then he blames me xx

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