It wasn’t supposed to be this way… :'(

[Alone]

I received news this morning that my holiday grant is being reallocated as I haven’t booked anything in time. Feeling quite devastated, I have never taken a holiday before and it felt like such a big deal – my first ever chance at spending some time away from controlling and abuse. It meant a lot to me.

Since receiving the message that I have lost the holiday it’s brought back all the hurt from my other losses as well. I can’t stop thinking about how hard I worked to get through everything, and how I should be looking forward to a holiday with my friends, how I should be trying new things and really getting over the abuse.

But instead I am all alone, lost my holiday so no chance of my first taste of independence, not a person in the world to talk to, and really wishing I never bothered to tackle abuse issues in the first place. Before I did, I was successful at work, had loving friendships and was doing alright. Now I am lonely, suffering from PTSD induced nightmares, and just can’t be bothered with this so called new life.

Losing the holiday isn’t the end of the world, but it’s just brought to the surface everything else I’ve lost. Everything I was supposed to have once I’d reported my family… and I had it all for a second, but one by one I watch as they disappear and I am left with less and less.

Not in a good place today. Have to leave shortly for day ten or eleven at work in a row… I’ve lost count now.. I get to bed between 3-4am am then am plagued with nightmares. Just seriously wish I never bothered… this is not the life I want! And every step I take just takes me further from what I go want… I wanted to start a course, then find out I’m being made redundant. I try to work out finances to take the course anyway with one job instead of my current two… then I’m told hours are being cut and hourly pay also reducing in that job.

Why why why can I not even have one single thing go well in this life???

Sorry, I’ll go and stop annoying everyone with my whining now!

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs Alone,

Sorry that you have lost your holiday funding will you be able to re apply it would be harsh it you can’t.

I hope the job situation improves, I need to looking for another one as mine doesn’t pay that well.

And a moan now and again is more than justified.

FS xx

[Ayanna]

Hi Alone, sorry that you have to go through all this. Life will be better again.
Instead of focusing on the big goals, look at the little things that you can do for yourself on a daily basis.
Keep the goals, but also go with the flow.
Sometimes the energy just does not flow as we want and then nothing works out. If we step back we will be directed on the right path with much more ease. x*x

[Alone]

Hi falling skys, I wrote to the charity and was told I am not eligible to reapply for three years! So I won’t be reapplying, as I’m hoping to be stable in life by then! Good luck in your search for a new job. It seems to be very difficult to find one job that pays well at the moment, that’s why I have two jobs for now. My goal is to be on a path towards a career asap, so that I can try to settle in a job rather than having to job search constantly! I really don’t like the whole job searching process, I find it too stressful.

Thank you Ayanna, I am really trying, it just feels like things never seem to go in my favour. I noticed a pattern a while back that any time I started to move away from abuse everything would come crashing down, it felt like fate was telling me I’m not meant to get out. Last year enough was enough and I decided to go for it all no matter how hard it got, and ended up losing everything I held dear. Not entitled to housing, refused benefits… it’s as if the universe decided to compromise with me and so I was granted my own room still in the abusive home.

One of the people who discarded me got in touch recently. It was the same day I found out I’d lost my holiday, so I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to handle it. So I didn’t reply. They then wrote a public message on a social networking page asking me to stop ignoring them. But this is the same person who ignores me for months at a time, I have a delayed response because I’m working six days a week and they get upset! I replied, and have been ignored. :/

I feel like someone people always expect to be there, so they have the peace of mind that they don’t need to stay in touch. Like a tool in a tool box, only brought out when needed. I’ve only been in my new job a few months, and already I’ve been used by someone there too.

Yet another negative pattern to work out and untangle… The work to overcome abuse never ends… 🙁

[Author]

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