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    • #163590
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      Its been a good few months since I left and its been the best time of my life for a long time. I really focussed on the positive of finally being free and away from all the horrible stuff and him.
      Its taken a while for us to feel settled and I’ve spent a lot of time and energy in making our new home feel like ours – and I guess that has also occupied my mind too.
      I guess I’m started to struggle now with the post trauma effects. For years and years I’ve lived not knowing when things would kick off, what level they would kick off, trained myself to ignore my emotions so that I didn’t react and make things worse. As soon as things settled down, I’d wipe them from my mind to cope I guess.
      Now that things are calmer, I’m finding that I’m thinking about it more and starting to remember things. And it feels like everyone else around me has forgotten what happened to me. And sometimes I want to remind them that just because I’m happy that I’m free, doesn’t mean that I’m ‘over’ what I went through for all those years. Not least because he is still there, occasionally sending passive aggressive messages and telling lies about me to our daughter which I have to explain. But sometimes I just feel like people think I should be so pleased to be free that I can forget all the other stuff. And I really want to. I’m not someone to dwell on things but b****y hell, I do feel sorry for myself and the things that I went through and I find myself underplaying it all still. But when I remember specific events or things that happened, its hard to reconcile it all.
      I’m not even sure what I came on here for other than I just feel a bit confused and alone.

    • #163596
      Intr0vert
      Participant

      I completely understand you. Unfortunately this feeling will not go away quickly.. it’s alot of trauma to process. I think it is important to speak about things with a qualified therapist. That is what I am doing now.. I only just recently got out.. whilst my friends are extremely happy for me, I feel like the level of abuse i endured has been long forgotten about.. You need to talk about it until you cant anymore. Sending you lots of hugs x

      • #163613
        tiredofitall
        Participant

        Thank you for your support. It helps knowing others feel the same way I do. I just don’t want to appear like I’m wallowing in it but it’s like I have to be ‘ok’ so everyone else can relax but sometimes I feel all messed up inside. I guess counselling is the next logical step. I’m just not sure I’m brave enough to fave it all yet. x

    • #163618
      Intr0vert
      Participant

      Do it when you are ready. In the mean time what you can do is journalling. My mind is always racing at 100mph and I will be thinking of the good, the bad and everything inbetween. Ultimately when I weigh things up I always come to the same conclusion. I was manipulated and abused for years and my fear of loneliness and attachment towards him prevented me from moving on and leaving the toxic mess behind. Everything takes time. All you have to do is take the first step once you are ready and in a few months from now you can look back and say thank god you made the decision to leave. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache and pain.

    • #163635
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Your description is spot on. Everyone around me is like you split ages ago you must be ready to move on but to me my brain is still processing stuff, and like you he’s still there due to the kids, constantly playing games. I think people must think I’m just a bitter ex when I mention he’s let his child down yet again but it’s triggering for us. Hang on there you’re doing so well x

      • #163637
        tiredofitall
        Participant

        That’s exactly how I feel, like they might think I can’t let it go but when you’ve been on the receiving end of their moods and manipulation you know how they work even if it’s not always obvious to others.
        There is a lot to unwrap and process. Years and years of trauma and emotional abuse.
        It doesn’t just go away because they don’t live with us anymore. And navigating communication over kids just gives them something they can use to get at you!

      • #163660
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I’ve gone from me sending friendly replies, to sending one word ‘ok’ type answers, to not even answering him now. It’s all lies and fairy dust and a game to them.

    • #163652
      tryingtosleep
      Participant

      Thank you for this post @tiredofitall.

      I am also no longer in my relationship. But I feel it will take a long time before I’m really ‘ok’ – whatever that is. I’m still very much processing. Xx

    • #163656
      Atsah
      Participant

      I had the same from people.you are free of him now.you don’t have see him again.it’s over..many years on and here i am still trying to escape him in my head..you keep going we are all stronger than we think we are.

    • #163664
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      Thank you all for your comments and support. As always I come on here and sometimes feel guilty because I am free and there are so many who are still having to live with and suffer the abuse on a daily basis. But hearing from you all reminds me that I’m not alone, even in this situation after leaving. Where life really is a million times better than the hell of living with him. But the price for surviving and making it through the other side is still to be paid.
      It makes so much difference to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way and that its ok to feel the way I do and I’m not wallowing in it or being melodramatic.
      Both my kids have problems getting to sleep and I’m sure that its the post trauma coming out. They are adults and they seem resistant to counselling. Maybe they feel the same way I do – they aren’t quite ready to face those memories just yet.
      I have also reduced the amount of effort I was putting in to making sure that he didn’t kick off during our discussions over our daughter. I also keep it to a bare minimum now and ignore anything that isn’t necessary communication. Its just tiring, the effort that it all takes.

    • #163682
      Polardog
      Participant

      I don’t know if you learned about the cycle of abuse when you left, but I was learning about it on the course they have put me on this week – and when life is quiet and calm is when our brains can be waiting for it all to kick off even a long time after – which is why you’re thinking a lot about it as well. So firstly I just want to say – you’re normal in what you’re thinking and feeling – it’s only natural too.

      I’ve found very quickly friends don’t want to talk about it at all and seem to have forgotten – it’s much earlier days for me at the moment (only (removed by moderator) weeks out) but I am really struggling because I need them to make an effort and often when they let me down or downplay it, it reinforces how he made me feel. I do think (and this doesn’t excuse any friend or family member in any way), that people find it really hard – they don’t want to have to think about how you might be feeling or what you might have experienced or how long it takes to recover because that’s a horrible thing – so they say move on etc because if you’ve moved on they can think well she’s doing ok. So it’s not that they are being mean, humans are inherently selfish and don’t want to feel other’s pain sometimes.

      Therapy is a key thing – and it’s scary to go and tackle BUT such a huge thing and so good for moving forward, understanding and allowing yourself to feel stuff, process it fully and heal. You can self refer through your local authority wellbeing website so you don’t even have to talk to your GP but honestly it will be such a power move for yourself allowing yourself that space.

      The most important thing is not to let self doubt creep in when people are being dismissive – and to find things that are constructive to fill those quiet periods. It may sound ridiculous, but I joined a facebook group for the specific type of dog I have and now we do regular meet ups. They don’t know any of what happened to me, but it’s something normal, healthy and we are bonded over a positive thing. Find something you enjoy that you can find a group for and can enter that group just as you as you are now – it will help a lot.

      I hope that helps. And always you have us in here to lean on!

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