Its all happening agin…

[Liquorice]

He kept on at me for ages to quit my job,saying im always tired and grumpy and he would help more financially, anyway u really didnt want to so i reduced my hours a bit instead. Its literally just been put into place and now hes talking about changing his job again, hes had so many jobs in the years weve been together some he left because the people he worked with where apparently useless and some he was forced to leave because of violence in the work place. Hes even been unemployed for short times, i always support whatever he wants to do as long as hes happy but i thought this was the job he would stay in. I cant believe hes wanting to take such financial risks again i thought at his age he would want to settle down into a job, and why now when ive finally given in and reduced my own working hours. Ugghh more money worries we could really do without.
Am i being selfish, should i stop being a whinge and support my husband? Or am i right to be upset??

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

NO its totally normal to want financial security, its him being selfish, i think he is the reason he is leaving the job b4 he gets sacked, just shows his unreliable

[KIP.]

My abuser didnt want me to work and made me so ill i had to give it up. This was so that he knew wehre i was all day and isolated from work colleagues and became more and more dependent on him. Hes not going to change. you say its more worries ‘we’ can do without. Hes obviously not worried at all. I would always keep my financial independence as this is another hold he will have over you. Another means of escape closed.

[Suntree]

I had similar but different.

I thought you support each other through thick and thin but it was always one sided.

Mine and for me it was the same pattern more than once 🙁 kept me working lots.
Each time they were in similar or higher paid jobs and with more chance of earning money than me, then when we had a big financial commitment they became “ill”, or “lost” their job.

Where I worried about paying the bills, they could happily go out with friends and do what they wanted and came home with new toys.
For me it was work and sleep, unless they wanted me there, most of the time they didn’t and then they would complain if I wanted to go out with friends that I never spent any time with them.
If I wanted to go out somewhere with them for us it would be all good until the time came and then they were “ill”.

In the end every time I broke, I broke because when they stopped working I had to take on more work. They always wanted me to do things with them when they wanted, never something for me. The house was always left to me to tidy up or fix, unless it had a “ego” factor for them.

I was controlled through money and exhaustion because I was brought up to pay bills first and with a strong work ethic. They had neither, yet funnily enough they never seemed to be short of jobs if they wanted or short of cash for things they wanted, but never for the bills or important stuff.

[pink rose]

My abuser didnt want me to work either as he wanted me isolated and alone so he could have full control over me.

[Serenity]

Hi Liquorice,

If I could give any young woman embarking upon a relationship any advice, it would be to hold onto their career, job and earning power.

A job gives you financial security, a sense of identity and freedom- things abusers don’t want you to have.

Of course, I would also tell them to be careful of their partner taking their money and hiding their own!

Whether your partner is just unreliable or is doing it on purpose ( enjoying having you worry about money and making you anxious- I wouldn’t put it past an abuser to enjoy the power of doing that ), or whether his employers want to sack him, the fact is he’s left you feeling anxious and disempowered.

Don’t let him try to make you feel guilty for expressing worry. These abusers always make us feel guilty for expressing our feelings. You’re entitled to want financial security: this makes it easier for you to enjoy your life.

I wish I had been more direct with my ex husband about money- questioned his earnings, involved myself in financial decisions…but then again, I wasn’t allowed: my ex would get angry if I dared speak about finances. I now know it was because he was hiding money and mdnioukqting the situation to come out with money behind him. If these men get angry when you mention money, they are hiding something, or they aren’t being completely truthful about their motives, I think.

My ex also tried to make me earn less, and took my money off me when I began to earn more- because he wanted to make me dependent and stuck. Maybe he even wanted to ensure that I would have no money to divorce him and so have a fair share of assets. Maybe his sick plan was to leave me destitute in the end.

I always hated the idea of money, talking about it and so forth. I wasn’t money-minded. Now, I realise how essential it is, in terms of having enough to give you choice and freedom and a feeling of safety. I think men are very aware of the fact that if we feel financially dependent upon them, we won’t leave as we will feel weakened. Never again will I let a man limit my earning power, take my money without being transparent about his own, and to make me feel guilty for wanting financial security.

[Serenity]

PS:

I read something interesting about how one way that abusers keep us there is by abusing- but then doing something good to ‘salvage’ the situation- so they are the abuser, but then do something to appear like they are the ‘rescuer’ and then you feel compelled to feel grateful.

So, your partner might have a job, then lose it, which makes you anxious, and then find another one, which makes you feel you should be grateful, and so it goes on…

All the while, the never knowing what’s round the corner is creating in you an increasing feeling of anxious dependence. You’re feeling completely at the mercy of his earning power, and having your own limited.

I suppose that in a healthy relationship ( which I didn’t have ), there is openness and honesty, mutual discussion and responsibility, and the encouraging of both people achieving their potential. There shouldn’t be a power imbalance, where one feels dependent upon the other and not permitted to voice their worries. A partner would want you to feel relaxed and secure, to achieve your potential and to feel
empowered in your own right.

You are right to feel that something’s wrong and to feel uneasy. His antics of getting a job, losing it etc whilst trying to keep your earnings down are taking up so much of your energy – not least by making you anxious- that it’s easy to not have the headspace to look st the situation objectively: that you should have the ability to earn in your own right, to have daily choices and a partner who is responsible and helps you to feel secure, who allows you to question things and to discuss finances openly.

( So far off from the reality of my marriage! )

[Mankys]

Back here again
Can’t believe back on here again
Why do we believe their lies again again
He was a heavy drug user stealing money off me and my son finally got the police involved and got him arrested and out of my place. Then he gave up drugs made me promises that he would treat me better.so took him back. (detail removed by moderator)years along the line back to old self not taking drugs but threatening me throwing things at me nearly broke my arm smashing up my things now latest saying I have to find another job or he will put me in hospital as I now have friends at work place and Is jealous. Don’t know what to do x*x can’t talk to any one as they will say my thought for going back

[Lisa]

Hi Mankys,

Thank you for your brave and honest post. Please do feel free to start a new post in order to ensure you get as much support as possible. I am sorry that you are in such a horrible and stressful situation. Please try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. The helpline can help you to safety plan to find a way to end your relationship safely. Please don’t let him know that you are thinking of leaving as it could put you at risk. The helpline can help you to find a refuge where you will be safe and he will not know where you are. It is very common to return to an abuser and it doesn’t make you a fool, hopefully it will mean that this time you will be strong enough to go no contact and not be tempted to think that he will change so please don’t be too hard on yourself. The important thing is to look forward to a life without him not punish yourself for returning to him before.

We are all here for you so please keep posting and welcome back to the forum.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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